Top 10 Best Sex Toys of 2019 & Year-End Recap

My 2019 read like the premise for a Netflix Original sitcom: the trials and tribulations of a nomadic sex toy review blogger.

For extra spice, throw in:

  • …the Millennial angst of an unused bachelor's degree
  • …the end of a year-​and-​a-​half relationship
  • …scream­ing match­es with an old-​fashioned immi­grant family

The insta­bil­i­ty of my liv­ing sit­u­a­tion gave some busi­ness part­ners a chuck­le. "Oh, wow! You're still at the same address?!" It's under­stand­able— I need­ed two hands to count the num­ber of times I had moved since July 2018.

After an epoch at my par­ents' house, I once again relo­cat­ed at the begin­ning of December 2019. And I think this is going to be the last time for a while.

Top 10 Best Sex Toys of 2019 & Year-End Recap 1
Gone are the days of cock concealment in my car trunk, feeling like a black market dildo dealer.

Goodbye to plan­ning my prod­uct test­ing and pho­tog­ra­phy around my par­ents' work­days. I no longer look at oth­er sex toy review­ers' col­lec­tion pho­tos in envy. "Ugh!" I'd think, "I wish I had the lux­u­ry of sprawl­ing out my per­vert­ibles at any time— not just when home alone."

Now, my bed­room is the belle of the ball. Its osten­ta­tion com­pound­ed with a cobalt con­dom gob­let and vit­rine vas­es to hold upright my njoy Eleven, Velvet Thruster, and Magic Wand Plus. There are vir­tu­al real­i­ty head­sets in my liv­ing room. My house­mate gives zero fucks if I run a fuck­ing machine at 1 AM.

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2020 marks the begin­ning of spring for my blog. But I have to give my 2019 self some cred­it— I kept cre­at­ing, in secret, through­out sev­er­al sui­ci­dal spells, with my col­lec­tion of sub­ject mat­ter stowed in a suit­case. That's not a small accom­plish­ment, so let's cel­e­brate the high­lights of my past year's work.

Table of contents

The worst sex toy of 2019

…is unequivocally the Emojibator Chickie!

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In 2019, I roast­ed the THICC AF Butt Chicken Emojibator Chickie and dis­cov­ered a new hob­by: watch­ing people's reac­tions as they read my review. Some friends and I, at one point, turned it into a drink­ing game. If you laugh, you take a shot.

I had to start my year-​end recap with my Emojibator Chickie review because it's a fuck­ing mas­ter­piece. It ref­er­ences the Good Place, Ariana Grande, and cli­toral butt sex with Satan. How could I top that? It's hard to pick a favorite quote when the entire review is quotable.

Other snippets I loved from my Emojibator Chickie review:

I’ve heard of iso­lat­ed inci­dents of cli­toral suc­tion toys mak­ing users bleed. The rumors sound­ed dis­tant, like urban leg­ends or stats that I’d nev­er per­son­al­ly encounter. It wasn’t until I tried the Emojibator Chickie that shit got too real.


I’m not ashamed to admit that I Googled, “can chick­ens do squats?” But what is Google’s pur­pose, if not for asi­nine inquiries you’re too embar­rassed to ask a human?

SheVibe, the shop I received the Emojibator Chickie from, no longer stocks it. Good rid­dance! They do have the orig­i­nal Emojibator vibra­tors, like the Eggplant, Pepper, and Banana, but I'm stick­ing to my SelfDelve veg­etable dil­dos.

Runners-up for my favorite quote

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From my Pipedream Fantasy For Her Ultimate Pleasure review:

No oth­er sex toy has sent me on as much of an emo­tion­al roller-​coaster as the Fantasy For Her Ultimate Pleasure. I have gone through every stage of Kombucha Girl.

From my Vixen Creations VixSkin Gambler review:

The aver­age American spends 6 months of their life wait­ing at red traf­fic lights; I’ll prob­a­bly spend more time than that com­ing on the Gambler.

Top 10 best sex toys of 2019

These are the toys I reviewed in 2019 (though some came out before this year, and there were oth­er toys released this year that I'll write about in 2020!). Most impor­tant­ly, though, they're all among the sex toys that I most excit­ed­ly flaunt when giv­ing tours of my abode.

10. Hot Octopuss Digit (Buy)
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The Hot Octopuss Digit is one of the rum­bli­est com­pact vibra­tors you can get. In my review, I described it as pos­sess­ing "rad­i­cal jump— the elu­sive com­bi­na­tion of low pitch and high ampli­tude." Plus! Unlike the We-​Vibe Tango, the Digit fea­tures an intu­itive, three-​button con­trol panel.

Its only down­side is that the wear­able fin­ger loop is designed for right-​hand use. If you're a left­ie, you might want to grab a Hot Octopuss Amo instead. Both the Digit and Amo's motors purr with deca­dent depth.

9. Zumio S Caress (Buy)
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In my Zumio S Caress review, I wrote:

Zumio has some­how topped their orig­i­nal cre­ation[, the Zumio X Classic]. You know, the one I described as “the absolute clos­est a cli­toral toy has ever come to being an ‘instant orgasm’ but­ton for me.”

What's new with the Zumio S Caress that makes it so great? It fea­tures a short­er, more flex­i­ble stem and soft­er head than its pre­de­ces­sor, ton­ing down the oscil­la­tions a bit. That takes it from "for pow­er queens only" ter­ri­to­ry to some­thing with more mass appeal.

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8. SelfDelve Curved Cucumber (Buy)

In my SelfDelve veg­gie dil­do round-​up, I wrote about the curved cucumber:

The curvi­er end is deli­cious­ly G‑spotty, while the shaft is flex­i­ble, allow­ing for deep­er front wall stim­u­la­tion. It’s super easy to aim, whether I want the curve to point for­ward and away from my cervix, or pressed up against my cervix to mas­sage it. And if I still don’t want as steep of a curve, that’s okay— I can use the oth­er, rel­a­tive­ly straight end …

Whichever inter­nal hot spot I want to charm, the Curved Cucumber can get it.

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7. Oxballs Ergo Super Soft (Buy)

The Oxballs Ergo Super Soft comes in five sizes and has all of the fea­tures of the per­fect pussy plug: fill­ing, com­fort­ably squishy, a for­ward tilt for G‑spot pres­sure, and a round­ed tip that won't irri­tate the cervix. Whichever ori­fice you put the Oxballs Ergo in, its super soft sil­i­cone con­forms to your body instead of the oth­er way around. It's every­thing that I wish the Tantus Ringo would have been.

6. NS Novelties Firefly Glass G‑Spot Glow Wand (Buy)
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This glass G‑spot dil­do looks like an ele­gant ici­cle, glows in the dark, tar­gets my A‑spot like no oth­er, and super afford­able. It was one of those dif­fi­cult reviews where all I want­ed to say was, "It's amaz­ing. Just buy it. Words words words words words," but I had to write more to do jus­tice to it. If your eroge­nous zones love deep fin­ger­bang­ing, you must try the NS Novelties Glass G‑Spot Wand.

5. Uberrime Aqua-​King
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I've tried many of Uberrime Dildos' art­ful cre­ations this year, but the girthy Uberrime Aqua-​King is my favorite among them. Its tip is tapered for cervix mas­sage, and the triple-​crown design mas­sages my A‑spot and G‑spot at the same time. I described it as "like the gasp of the ini­tial inser­tion, over and over again … slid­ing back-​and-​forth an exag­ger­at­ed coro­na, on repeat" and "orches­tral dopamine magic."

4. Fun Factory Volta (Buy)

There are cli­toral vibra­tors that get the job done, but then there are those that can knock me out.

With the Volta, I fuck­ing need to catch my breath. And take a nap after­ward, when I’ve some­how decid­ed to stop using it. And set aside the squirt-​soaked laundry.

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The Fun Factory Volta is so far the only recharge­able cli­toral vibra­tor to make me squirt. I owe that to its rumbly Fun Factory G5 motor and the back-​and-​forth oscil­la­tion of its flut­ter­ing flaps. It's also ver­sa­tile! Play with the flat faces for broad stim­u­la­tion. Or spread the tips apart to use the vibra­tor on a penis.

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3. Magic Wand Plus (Buy)

The cord­ed Magic Wand Plus has giv­en me much dopamine in my depres­sive episodes this year. I don't love the Magic Wand Original, but the Plus ver­sion comes with rum­bli­er vibra­tions and more speed options for an over­all deep and thud­dy feel.

It has almost the same motor as the Magic Wand Rechargeable, mak­ing it far supe­ri­or to the Original, with­out cost­ing much more. As with the Fun Factory Volta, its pow­er often knocks me out— a rar­i­ty when there's no deep pen­e­tra­tion involved.

2. Velvet Thruster Teddy (buy) & VixSkin Colossus (buy)
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It's a win­ning com­bi­na­tion: a fuck­ing machine with a suc­tion cup base and a plush exten­sion sleeve for a flesh-​like feel­ing. The Mini Velvet Thruster Teddy is more com­pact than its pre­de­ces­sor but kept all the fea­tures that mat­ter: a real­is­tic thrust length and a max­i­mum speed of over two thrusts per sec­ond. Upgrades include more eas­i­ly acces­si­ble but­ton place­ment and, again, the suc­tion cup! Unlike the Jackie, the Teddy can stand upright on its own or mount to smooth and flat sur­faces. That means easy, hands-​free positioning.

10/​10 for fuck­ing my brains out with prac­ti­cal­ly no effort on my part.

1. njoy Eleven (Buy)

"This one's my favorite. I could lit­er­al­ly kill some­one with it," I told count­less friends. The njoy Eleven is a fill­ing 2.75 pounds of stain­less steel with an ele­gant S‑curve for pound­ing my G‑spot and pos­te­ri­or fornix into oblivion.

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My reunion with my toy suit­case wouldn’t have been com­plete with­out kiss­ing my njoy Eleven and sob­bing. “I’ll nev­er leave you again. Be with me. I want to be buried with you when I die.” (To my future chil­dren who have to arrange my funer­al: I’m only a lit­tle sorry.)

If a fire burned my house down, I’d return to the rub­ble to retrieve my njoy Eleven after­ward. Maybe some oth­er dil­dos, but the Eleven would be the top pri­or­i­ty. Its stain­less steel body is sub­jec­tive­ly irre­sistible and objec­tive­ly, near­ly indestructible.

…I’d be con­tent with it being the only sex toy I use for the rest of my life.

A list of lists

In 2019, I also wrote many themed round-​ups and fast blasts of oth­er sex toys I've loved— many of them clas­sics from past years' reviews. A list of amaz­ing dil­dos for cervix stim­u­la­tion has long been in demand, but this year, I final­ly com­piled it! If you haven't read about why I fuck­ing love cer­vi­cal orgasms, you haven't read my blog.

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Favorite Tweets & 'Grams

Maybe some guys would feel inse­cure mak­ing out and dry-​humping next to my wall of dicks, but here's the thing:

If I'm doing that, I'm still choos­ing you over them in that moment, soooo? That could be spun as a bit flattering?

— Super Smash Cache (@supersmashcache) December 13, 2019

And I wish I had some grand, noble plans for the next decade, but I don't. I want to do more of what I'm already doing, with com­pas­sion for every ver­sion of myself, at every step.

Everyone from your past knows a shit­ti­er ver­sion of you that no longer exists.

But those ver­sions did their best, learned, and fought to evolve into to what you are now. They deserve your love all the same.

— Super Smash Cache (@supersmashcache) September 25, 2019

I'm okay with not being okay. I'm fine-​tuning my writing's bal­ance between my emo­tion­al cathar­sis and oth­ers' enlight­en­ment. I'm spend­ing less time intel­lec­tu­al­iz­ing and more time just doing and being.

Ironically, the best thing I can do for myself is to not wor­ry about what the best thing to do is. I'm always doing my best with what I am and have and I lit­er­al­ly can­not do any more than that.

— Super Smash Cache (@supersmashcache) December 16, 2019

Besides… nobody can argue that mov­ing to my area's gay­bor­hood is a small change. I'm now basi­cal­ly neigh­bors with Spectrum Boutique!

What about you?
Where have you been in the 2010s?
Where would you like to be in the 2020s?

2 Responses

  1. Sylvan Sterling says:

    This review is prob­a­bly what’s going to con­vince me to get the mag­ic wand

  1. January 2020

    […] am not the only blog­ger who has put Uberrime either on their list of favorite toys or just out­right as num­ber one. For me, it was not just the qual­i­ty of the toys that Uberime put […]

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