To Rock My World, Stop Asking, "Did You Cum?"

Your part­ner deserves bet­ter than flat­ten­ing inti­ma­cy down to a pass/​fail grade. Go deeper.

You deserve play­ful teas­ing and ban­ter like, “Tell me what you want. Use your words. I know you can do it,” while watch­ing the oth­er per­son gasp and whimper.

To Rock My World, Stop Asking, "Did You Cum?" 1

(That’s def­i­nite­ly a way to ask for feed­back while height­en­ing the dynam­ic, by the way.)

“Did you cum?” Yes, I did — and at the same time, it's not exact­ly the most live­ly pil­low talk. It’s akin to an “Is this okay?” but post-​mortem. Ideally, I’d want a part­ner to do bet­ter than “okay,” — wouldn’t you?

"Did you cum?" is just a drop in the sex­u­al com­mu­ni­ca­tion bucket.

Go beyond, “Did you cum?” for better sex

In my world, check-​ins during and after sex are opportunities to:
  • Build the trust it takes for close­ness and intense connection
  • Surface the type of mind-​bending sex you’d like to have
  • Explore more of what it might take to get there

There’s noth­ing wrong per se with ask­ing some­one, “Did you cum?” Plenty of times that I’ve been asked, I did cum.

And it’s a fair question, considering that some people:

You get the idea; it’s very indi­vid­ual. However

Asking, “Did you cum?” afterwards and nothing else is pointless. Why?
  • There are way more fun, open-​ended, and rel­e­vant ques­tions you could be asking!
  • It gloss­es over so many oth­er things that make sex great.
  • You could be dirty talk­ing and check­ing in through­out the experience.
  • His pants don't come off until after I cum any­way — but that's just me.

You can get more valu­able insights if “Did you cum?” is just one facet of your bed­room banter.

Sexy questions to ask a partner besides “Did you cum?”

Here are just a few options to get the juices flowing again and ready for round 2:
  • “Do you want more?”
  • “It was so hot when we _​_​_​_​. Did you feel that, too?”
  • “What did you like?”
  • What do you think? Better than last time?” (And fol­low up with a compare/​contrast.)
  • “I noticed your face _​_​_​_​ when I _​_​_​_​. Can we talk about that?”
  • “Did you pre­fer _​_​_​_​ or _​_​_​_​?” (…) “What makes that feel good for you?”
  • “I loved _​_​_​_​. Can we do that again soon?”

Each of these ques­tions has a sto­ry, a mem­o­ry behind them for me. I’ve been asked these, and I appre­ci­at­ed them far more than, “Did you cum?”

What do these questions have in common?
  • They’re open-​ended, giv­ing room for more detailed answers and follow-ups.
  • You learn about what to do more of or less of.
  • They encour­age a men­tal replay of the most recent ses­sion, scan­ning for the hottest clips and sound­bites to savor the mem­o­ry.
  • The focus is con­nec­tion — under­stand­ing the oth­er person’s plea­sure cues and responses.

Building on that last point, ask­ing if your part­ner came is okay, but follow-​ups are far more func­tion­al­ly favor­able. You can work back­ward to dis­till what’s most enticing.

If they came, you could ask them when they did. If not, you could find out the following:
  • When they were the closest
  • What made it so hot for them
  • What adjust­ments or addi­tions to make 
    • An exam­ple of where that could go: “How about next week­end, let’s play with more dirty talk and a slow­er build. I’ll bring warm­ing fla­vored lube to lick off each other.”
Of course, this blog post is just a start.

There are end­less ways to seek feed­back with dirty talk dur­ing sex and dis­cuss fan­tasies between sessions.

Lucky for you, I have a book rec­om­men­da­tion for pre­cise­ly that! Read my mini-​review of Stella Harris’s Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships — or get a copy from Come As You Are.

Now that that fan­tas­tic book is in a new tab in your brows­er, let’s get back to post-​sex debriefs. Here’s anoth­er rea­son why “Did you cum?” doesn’t mean much to me.

Orgasms aren’t the only relevant metric to great sex

Me saying, “Yes, I came,” is not entirely synonymous with, “Yes, you did a good job.”

The peak(s) can be sig­nif­i­cant, but they don't define the expe­ri­ence. And that's com­ing from some­one who aver­ages 10 of mine for every 1 of a partner’s.

When sleep­ing with some­one, I want orgasms, but…

I also want something my smorgasbord of sex toys can’t give me. Dildos don’t:
  • Dirty talk
  • Build up the ten­sion all day with spicy texts
  • Put hands all over you
  • Toss you around
  • Read your glazed expres­sion and tell you, “Look at me when you cum”
  • Push their hips against you while grab­bing yours

There’s no reac­tion to bit­ing or scratch marks that break the skin. Sex toys don’t pull back to edge you (inten­tion­al­ly) — nor do they laugh when you’re about to cum, but you eject them from your vagi­na and pout. (Don’t wor­ry; the part­ner in that case quick­ly put it back in, fucked me some more, and filled me with cum.)

I can cum four times in one session and think, “Whatever. They were an embodied dildo.” That’s not a compliment.

At that point, I’d rather stay home and play with myself. (Is it a coin­ci­dence that the guy who kept ask­ing, “Did you cum yet?” also asked, “Better than your toys?” Nah. He didn’t under­stand the assignment.)

I can cum once or even be edged and still be over the moon

It's a thrill revis­it­ing how we played and riffed on each other's turn-​ons. I can make out and noth­ing else and still think it was great.

Then again, I usu­al­ly cum mul­ti­ple times, long before inter­course even starts.

By the time we’re having intercourse, I’ve likely already cum

And I’m direct as fuck about it. This last sec­tion is about my very indi­vid­ual expe­ri­ences rather than advice direct­ed at anyone.

There’s no need to ask me in particular, “Did you cum?” because I’m a brutal Pillow Princess by policy.

If I’m sleep­ing with some­one — espe­cial­ly a cis man — their pants prob­a­bly aren’t com­ing off until after I cum.

And I’m clear about being a Pillow Princess in my online dat­ing bios. Service top­py subs and plea­sure Doms emphat­i­cal­ly swipe right. Prospects who don’t under­stand kink dynam­ics or don’t care about female plea­sure either swipe left on me or tell on them­selves very quick­ly. And I want them to fil­ter them­selves out of my dat­ing pool.

With the right people for me, there are so many opportunities for orgasms long before penetrative play

And that poten­tial­ly applies before even enter­ing the bed­room. For one, sex­ting can blend togeth­er kinky nego­ti­a­tion, mutu­al mas­tur­ba­tion, and turn­ing up the heat.

I also tend to wear skirts and dress­es out, allow­ing easy access if we’ve already been flirt­ing for a while — and that’s before anyone’s clothes come off. Kissing, rub­bing, fin­ger­ing. In a seclud­ed for­est. Under a blan­ket in the movie the­ater. Dry-​humping in the car. You get the idea.

My pleasure is a priority from the start.

If they can’t please me, I have no prob­lem say­ing, “This is doing noth­ing for me,” whether it’s mod­i­fied with “Let’s _​_​_​_​ instead” or ends with a full stop.

If someone’s super eager for me to cum, it won’t be an afterthought; they will actively seize the chance and find ways to make it happen.
If they follow directions well, they'll show how good they are before our clothes are off.

And if they can serve me in a way that a sex toy can’t — or use my favorite steel dil­dos on me — then hell yeah. Let’s fuck all night.

FURTHER READING: 7 Steamy Skills For Soft Dominant Dirty Talk

This post con­tains a spon­sored link. Opinions expressed are my own!

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5 Responses

  1. Alex says:

    I agree. Reducing sex to a pass/​fail grade real­ly does a dis­ser­vice to such a com­plex expe­ri­ence. I wish more peo­ple would under­stand this.

  2. D. Dyer says:

    There is for me also the stress this ques­tion can bring because some­times an orgasm just isn’t going to hap­pen for my body and I’m after oth­er things from phys­i­cal connection

  3. Trix says:

    Guys should pur­sue plea­sure, not validation!

  4. Erin says:

    Honestly, this is such val­i­dat­ing and help­ful info! I'm tired of sleep­ing with guys who can't even do the bare min­i­mum of what my toys can do for me. This total­ly res­onates and empow­ers me to speak up for myself more 💪

  5. LJ says:

    I so thor­ough­ly agree with this! Reducing a sex­u­al inter­ac­tion to orgasm(s) is miss­ing 95% of the point.

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