To Rock My World, Stop Asking, "Did You Cum?"
Your partner deserves better than flattening intimacy down to a pass/fail grade. Go deeper.
You deserve playful teasing and banter like, “Tell me what you want. Use your words. I know you can do it,” while watching the other person gasp and whimper.
(That’s definitely a way to ask for feedback while heightening the dynamic, by the way.)
“Did you cum?” Yes, I did — and at the same time, it's not exactly the most lively pillow talk. It’s akin to an “Is this okay?” but post-mortem. Ideally, I’d want a partner to do better than “okay,” — wouldn’t you?
"Did you cum?" is just a drop in the sexual communication bucket.
Go beyond, “Did you cum?” for better sex
In my world, check-ins during and after sex are opportunities to:
- Build the trust it takes for closeness and intense connection
- Surface the type of mind-bending sex you’d like to have
- Explore more of what it might take to get there
There’s nothing wrong per se with asking someone, “Did you cum?” Plenty of times that I’ve been asked, I did cum.
And it’s a fair question, considering that some people:
- Are quieter than others when cumming
- Stay still and get off on roleplaying a life-size sex doll
- Clench hard before the climax
- Like using strap-ons, which won’t give the penetrating partner much sensory feedback when the other clenches
- Are loud and expressive throughout the session
You get the idea; it’s very individual. However…
Asking, “Did you cum?” afterwards and nothing else is pointless. Why?
- There are way more fun, open-ended, and relevant questions you could be asking!
- It glosses over so many other things that make sex great.
- You could be dirty talking and checking in throughout the experience.
- His pants don't come off until after I cum anyway — but that's just me.
You can get more valuable insights if “Did you cum?” is just one facet of your bedroom banter.
Sexy questions to ask a partner besides “Did you cum?”
Here are just a few options to get the juices flowing again and ready for round 2:
- “Do you want more?”
- “It was so hot when we ____. Did you feel that, too?”
- “What did you like?”
- “What do you think? Better than last time?” (And follow up with a compare/contrast.)
- “I noticed your face ____ when I ____. Can we talk about that?”
- “Did you prefer ____ or ____?” (…) “What makes that feel good for you?”
- “I loved ____. Can we do that again soon?”
Each of these questions has a story, a memory behind them for me. I’ve been asked these, and I appreciated them far more than, “Did you cum?”
What do these questions have in common?
- They’re open-ended, giving room for more detailed answers and follow-ups.
- You learn about what to do more of or less of.
- They encourage a mental replay of the most recent session, scanning for the hottest clips and soundbites to savor the memory.
- The focus is connection — understanding the other person’s pleasure cues and responses.
Building on that last point, asking if your partner came is okay, but follow-ups are far more functionally favorable. You can work backward to distill what’s most enticing.
If they came, you could ask them when they did. If not, you could find out the following:
- When they were the closest
- What made it so hot for them
- What adjustments or additions to make
- An example of where that could go: “How about next weekend, let’s play with more dirty talk and a slower build. I’ll bring warming flavored lube to lick off each other.”
Of course, this blog post is just a start.
There are endless ways to seek feedback with dirty talk during sex and discuss fantasies between sessions.
Lucky for you, I have a book recommendation for precisely that! Read my mini-review of Stella Harris’s Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships — or get a copy from Come As You Are.
Now that that fantastic book is in a new tab in your browser, let’s get back to post-sex debriefs. Here’s another reason why “Did you cum?” doesn’t mean much to me.
Orgasms aren’t the only relevant metric to great sex
Me saying, “Yes, I came,” is not entirely synonymous with, “Yes, you did a good job.”
The peak(s) can be significant, but they don't define the experience. And that's coming from someone who averages 10 of mine for every 1 of a partner’s.
When sleeping with someone, I want orgasms, but…
I also want something my smorgasbord of sex toys can’t give me. Dildos don’t:
- Dirty talk
- Build up the tension all day with spicy texts
- Put hands all over you
- Toss you around
- Read your glazed expression and tell you, “Look at me when you cum”
- Push their hips against you while grabbing yours
There’s no reaction to biting or scratch marks that break the skin. Sex toys don’t pull back to edge you (intentionally) — nor do they laugh when you’re about to cum, but you eject them from your vagina and pout. (Don’t worry; the partner in that case quickly put it back in, fucked me some more, and filled me with cum.)
I can cum four times in one session and think, “Whatever. They were an embodied dildo.” That’s not a compliment.
At that point, I’d rather stay home and play with myself. (Is it a coincidence that the guy who kept asking, “Did you cum yet?” also asked, “Better than your toys?” Nah. He didn’t understand the assignment.)
I can cum once or even be edged and still be over the moon
It's a thrill revisiting how we played and riffed on each other's turn-ons. I can make out and nothing else and still think it was great.
Then again, I usually cum multiple times, long before intercourse even starts.
By the time we’re having intercourse, I’ve likely already cum
And I’m direct as fuck about it. This last section is about my very individual experiences rather than advice directed at anyone.
There’s no need to ask me in particular, “Did you cum?” because I’m a brutal Pillow Princess by policy.
If I’m sleeping with someone — especially a cis man — their pants probably aren’t coming off until after I cum.
And I’m clear about being a Pillow Princess in my online dating bios. Service toppy subs and pleasure Doms emphatically swipe right. Prospects who don’t understand kink dynamics or don’t care about female pleasure either swipe left on me or tell on themselves very quickly. And I want them to filter themselves out of my dating pool.
With the right people for me, there are so many opportunities for orgasms long before penetrative play
And that potentially applies before even entering the bedroom. For one, sexting can blend together kinky negotiation, mutual masturbation, and turning up the heat.
I also tend to wear skirts and dresses out, allowing easy access if we’ve already been flirting for a while — and that’s before anyone’s clothes come off. Kissing, rubbing, fingering. In a secluded forest. Under a blanket in the movie theater. Dry-humping in the car. You get the idea.
My pleasure is a priority from the start.
If they can’t please me, I have no problem saying, “This is doing nothing for me,” whether it’s modified with “Let’s ____ instead” or ends with a full stop.
If someone’s super eager for me to cum, it won’t be an afterthought; they will actively seize the chance and find ways to make it happen.
If they follow directions well, they'll show how good they are before our clothes are off.
And if they can serve me in a way that a sex toy can’t — or use my favorite steel dildos on me — then hell yeah. Let’s fuck all night.
FURTHER READING: 7 Steamy Skills For Soft Dominant Dirty Talk
This post contains a sponsored link. Opinions expressed are my own!
PLEASURE PRINCESS. COMPACT, HIGH-CAPACITY HUMAN. CERVIX SORCERESS.
I've tested over 350 sex toys and love diving deep for cervical orgasms, A‑spot stimulation, and kinky odysseys into the subconscious.
Mesmerizing mindfucking or physical fisting? Blowing men or minds? Opening books or legs? Why not all of the above?
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