Zalo Marie Rococo-themed G-spot vibrator review

Everything about Zalo's vibra­tors and their Versailles-​inspired pre­sen­ta­tion embod­ies "extra." Not least, the Zalo Marie's ornate box almost looks like there should be paint­ings of hap­py cherubs all over it. Inside the box, the vibra­tor itself gleams with its intri­cate han­dle and 24K gold-​plated pendant.

Let's be real about why I pounced at the Zalo Marie, though. First, a friend who works in a brick-​and-​mortar sex shop told me that Zalo's vibra­tions are about par with the LELO Siri 2. That caught my atten­tion. Second, the Zalo Marie is avail­able in both a Baroque red and a dis­tinct­ly Rococo blue. And pink, I guess. But you can't name a vibra­tor after Marie Antoinette with­out a soft blue some­where. No, your hon­or. I had to have that blue.

In this review of the Zalo Marie

• The Zalo Marie's shape
• Vibrations (Zalo vs. LELO)
• Control pan­el and app
• My ver­dict on the Zalo Marie

Who does the Zalo Marie's shape serve?

Befitting of the Zalo's trade­mark airy aes­thet­ic, the Zalo Marie's insertable por­tion is dec­o­rat­ed but del­i­cate. It's 8" long total with a sub­tle swell from 1.2" to 1.4" wide, with the slight­est undu­lat­ing tex­tures. At its fat­test, the Marie is about the girth of the aver­age penis.

G-spot stimulation with the Zalo Marie

Its cur­va­ture fits against my G‑spot well, though I wouldn't go as far as call­ing it a "G‑Spot expert" like the prod­uct infor­ma­tion page says. That's not because of any lack of mind-​blowing G‑spotting. To the con­trary: the Zalo Marie was the toy I used when I infa­mous­ly had an esti­mat­ed 18 orgasms (prob­a­bly more) while think­ing about a crush. It's more of a ver­sa­tile gen­er­al­ist for my hot spots than a G‑spot spe­cial­ist. As some­one who enjoys deep pen­e­tra­tion and pin­point cli­toral stim­u­la­tion, I find it refreshing.

Unlike say, the We-​Vibe Nova, the Zalo Marie isn't a dra­mat­ic G‑spotting shape that hooks and digs at its tar­get. It's more gen­er­al, let­ting the mat­te sil­i­cone fin­ish pull at my front wall as the swell tes­sel­lates against my pubic bone.

Deeper penetration: A-spot and cervix

In the past, I have said that I pre­ferred intense G‑spot toys I could ram into my G‑spot. That's not the case any­more, though. Not when the Zalo Marie's elon­gat­ed head means I can pull on my G‑spot and push the point­ed tip into my A‑spot (in front of my cervix) in the same stroke. Its head car­ries a sim­i­lar appeal to the BS Atelier Max's: heav­en for my whole front wall.

My cervix is also a fan of the Zalo Marie's almost entire­ly silicone-​covered body. Even though the prod­uct specs say there's 5.12" of insertable length, there's no dis­tinct bound­ary of where the shaft ends and the han­dle begins — no plas­tic han­dle seam or mid-​shaft charg­ing port to trap my vagi­nal secre­tions. If I'm will­ing to use only the gold cap as a han­dle— and I am because the Zalo Marie's under­ly­ing plas­tic is firm for aim­ing— I can insert just under 7" inside me.

Vibrators that allow me to use more length are noth­ing short of a bless­ing for my deep eroge­nous zones. My cervix appre­ci­ates it. My A‑spot, just a bit shal­low­er than my cervix, enjoys it. Everybody's hap­py. I am but a whim­per­ing, human-​shaped flask of oxy­tocin and dopamine. As you can imag­ine I would be after los­ing count of orgasms.

How I feel overall about the shape

It wasn't until I tried the Zalo Marie that I could put to words why I don't often use oth­er G‑spot vibra­tors. If I go through the effort of wash­ing an insertable toy before use, then dammit, I'd rather not neglect my cervix or A‑spot! I want to go deep. And G‑spot-​specializing vibra­tors are often too harsh­ly steep or have too lit­tle insertable length to cater to my cervix.

Though there are times where I'm in the mood for only shal­low pen­e­tra­tion, they're rel­a­tive­ly few and far between. So when it comes to ver­sa­til­i­ty, the Zalo Marie's gen­tle bulge is a sol­id pick for me.

But are the Zalo Marie's vibrations rumbly?

Let's revis­it my friend's claim com­par­ing Zalo to LELO. I haven't tried a LELO Siri 2, but I do have a Mona 2, which is the most pow­er­ful of LELO's insertable vibra­tors. When used exter­nal­ly on the high­est set­ting, the Mona 2's and Marie's pointy tips and con­cen­trat­ed motors deliv­er very sim­i­lar vibra­tion qual­i­ty. The orgasms are ample, intense, and mild­ly uncom­fort­able (if I don't turn the speed down).

Both the Mona 2 and Marie are mod­er­ate­ly rumbly, with a slight buzz that gets a bit pinchy after a while on the high­est set­ting. But it's nowhere near as high-​pitched as the FemmeFunn Bougie Bullet. Power-​wise, the Zalo Marie's fastest speed is com­pa­ra­ble to the Bougie Bullet's lowest.

Both the Zalo Marie and LELO Mona 2 splash a lit­tle when dipped in water. The size and num­ber of water droplets show a com­pa­ra­ble lev­el of rum­ble, but the Zalo Marie has less over­all pow­er. If the Mona 2's high­est speed is a 10, I'd say the Marie's is prob­a­bly a 7.5

The most striking downside: the price

My brain says that the Zalo Marie could have a bet­ter motor for the price, but my body knows what's up. I can't lie— yes, I usu­al­ly turn it up to the high­est set­ting, but I've also nev­er had a ses­sion with the Zalo Marie that wasn't mind-​blowing. Especially when I used it inter­nal­ly. This vibra­tor is pow­er­ful enough that I'll clench around it on a thrum­ming pat­tern and orgasm from that alone. And A‑spot vibra­tions? Yeah, I dig that.

Externally, there's no way in hell my Zalo Marie could ever super­sede the deep purr of my BMS Factory Pillow Talk Sassy. The Sassy costs far less than the Marie, and I'm usu­al­ly quick to rec­om­mend a more rumbly and afford­able vibra­tor. But inter­nal­ly, the Zalo Marie DOES THINGS TO ME that the Sassy and Mona 2 can't. It serves a slight­ly dif­fer­ent pur­pose. I CRAVE deep pen­e­tra­tion with the Marie.

Maybe a less morally shitty alternative to LELO?

My ardor for the Zalo Marie is nei­ther a case of a bland form res­cued by a pow­er­ful motor, nor a pointy tip that bare­ly redeems a mosquito-​like buzz. The Zalo Marie's shape works for me, even if it's a bit bland. And the motor isn't the best of its size class, but it's sol­id. The fea­tures' syn­er­gy is explo­sive for my body. I'm delight­ed to rec­om­mend the Zalo Marie as a lux­u­ri­ous vibra­tor par with LELO. But with­out LELO's shit ethics.

Zalo Marie settings and remote control app

The Zalo Marie's 8‑speed range and con­trols are also top-​notch, as they should be. Three but­tons allow me to cycle through the pat­terns and, more impor­tant­ly, turn the inten­si­ty up and down as my orgasms peak and dip. That much is par for the course. This vibrator's smart­phone remote con­trol app, how­ev­er, is about 25% use­ful and 75% eye-​roll emoji.

What does the Zalo app Tease/​Flirt mode do?

Let's start with the 25%. Ever edged a part­ner and said, "What if I just stopped?" Or "Stop pout­ing and I'll give you more. You poor thing." Yes? That's what I thought. The Tease/​Flirt mode's screen shows a blank rec­tan­gle. Touch the screen with­in the bound­aries and glide your fin­ger up and down to change the speed in real-​time. Watch your part­ner get flus­tered. It's beau­ti­ful. Or use it for some tight­ly con­trolled solo play.

Beyond that, my feels toward the app can be summed up with one word: "No."

Even if some­one want­ed the "calo­ries burned" fea­ture, it'd still be use­less. The Zalo Marie could be con­nect­ed on stand­by, or on the high­est set­ting, or I could be jack­ham­mer­ing it, and there would be no dis­cernible dif­fer­ence. The cal­cu­la­tion is always sub­stan­tial­ly more than my seden­tary meta­bol­ic rate. Find me scoff­ing in Pillow Princess.

Also, I've mas­tur­bat­ed to The Weekend's sexy voice, so I'm down for a music-​sensing vibra­tion func­tion. But on the Zalo app, two quirks ren­der the pat­terns unrec­og­niz­able unless you're lis­ten­ing to repet­i­tive EDM with a tight kick. For one, there's a time delay. And two, there's very lit­tle sub­tle­ty in vibra­tion speed— the gen­er­at­ed pat­terns are prac­ti­cal­ly all-or-nothing.

So if you want the vibra­tions to con­vey the dif­fer­ence between fuck­ing to "Angels" by The XX and fuck­ing to "Rocket Queen" by Guns N Roses, you're out of luck. The Zalo Marie vibra­tor itself is sol­id, but the app is most­ly gimmicks.

My verdict on the Zalo Marie G-spot vibrator

When I'm lost in an end­less sea of bul­lets and G‑spot vibra­tors I COULD be try­ing, the Zalo Marie stands out as a wel­come respite. It packs a punch, has a pointy tip, and its long and ele­gant curves are ver­sa­tile for what­ev­er pen­e­tra­tion depth I crave.

The speed range also suits a vari­ety of moods, eas­i­ly acces­si­ble via the full con­trol pan­el on the app. And it car­ries aes­thet­ic appeal unpar­al­leled even by LELO. What more could I ask of the Zalo Marie?

Maybe it could be more rumbly for those who crave a deep purr. Power queens should con­sid­er the We-​Vibe Nova, We-​Vibe Rave, Swan Wand orig­i­nal, or BMS Pillow Talk Sassy instead. And the Zalo Marie's swell would be more intense if it was off-​center like the (non-​vibrating) Desirables Dalia.

But it's out of love that I say "Well, it could be a bit more." Until there's a rum­bli­er lux­u­ry vibra­tor that: 1.) has a pointy tip for my cli­toris, and 2.) can also sat­is­fy my deep spots, I'm envi­sion­ing the Zalo Marie's place in the shrine in which I'll be buried.

UPDATE: I like the Cloud 9 G‑Spot Slim 7 Inch a lot as an A‑spot vibra­tor, and it's under $35!

Take it from a deep dil­do lover: there's a rea­son the Zalo Marie has ruined oth­er insertable vibra­tors for me.

Find the Zalo Marie G‑spot vibrator in blue, red, or pink at SheVibe.

SheVibe sent me the roy­al blue Zalo Marie in exchange for my hon­est and freely-​given opin­ion. If I hate a sex toy, you'll know. Trust me.