4 Mental Hang-Ups About Vibrators I've Gotten Over

I've used hun­dreds of sex toys, and that has made me more sen­si­tive, more hyper-​aware of what steps on my "arousal accel­er­a­tor," and more eas­i­ly able to orgasm with a broad­er range of stimuli.

What mate­ri­al­ized was the total oppo­site of what my past self — and many oth­er peo­ple — were afraid would happen:

• "What if a vibra­tor desen­si­tizes me?" — My orgasms, both with and with­out toys, have expand­ed and become more intense over time.
• "It's bet­ter that I don't need a vibra­tor." — I still don't need one, but I love hav­ing the option!
• "What if it takes away from my enjoy­ment of sex with a part­ner?" — My part­ners find it hot to watch me use toys, and it only adds to our satisfaction.

Here's what I would tell my younger self — or some­one who has men­tal hang-​ups about using a vibrator.

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Hang-Up: "Isn't It Better if I Don't Need a Vibrator?"

First things first, it's okay if you need a vibra­tor to reach orgasm and you find that the intense release enhances your qual­i­ty of life. Second, it's okay to enjoy a vibra­tor even if you don't need it.

Would you deprive your­self of :

• Glasses that help you see every­day tasks?
• A sleep mask and sooth­ing sounds that help get deep­er rest?
• Music that gets you hyped for the day?

You don't need these lit­tle com­forts and plea­sures to have a fan-​fucking-​tastic day — but life is short.

Do you think car­pen­ters fret about using pow­er tools for speed and precision?

Didn't think so.

Buy your­self the fuck­ing lilies (fig­u­ra­tive­ly).

Hang-Up: "What if My Vibrator Desensitizes Me Long-Term?"

Maybe you're more wor­ried about a vibrator's long-​term effects.

You can get accus­tomed or habit­u­at­ed to using a vibra­tor, but numb­ing your nerve end­ings doesn't hap­pen in the way peo­ple seem to imagine.

What's the difference?

I liken it to dri­ving vs. trav­el­ing on foot. Running a mile might seem like a lot if you're used to dri­ving every­where. You might find it less con­ve­nient — but many peo­ple could walk that far with enough time and energy.

Likewise with going from a whirl­wind wand mas­sager to using your fingers:

• It might take longer — though it doesn't have to because, sim­ply, it's a very dif­fer­ent sensation
• Your hand or wrist might get tired — in which case, again, it's okay if you'd rather ride a bike or dri­ve a car because you have far­ther to go
• You might feel your­self get­ting more turned on but find thoughts of "How long is this going to take?" distracting.

That last point is not about the vibra­tion sen­sa­tion or your nerve end­ings' sen­si­tiv­i­ty, as much as being in your head about where you "should" be on the journey.

And being in your head is one of the most reli­able brakes to plea­sure; stay­ing present is key to enjoyment.

You can try a gazil­lion ways to move and find that you enjoy walk­ing, jog­ging, sprint­ing, park­our, bik­ing, and dri­ving, alone or with a part­ner or a group. Your pref­er­ences may also shift with experience.

… with rep­e­ti­tion, you can train your brain to strength­en sev­er­al path­ways to plea­sure — keep play­ing with a wide range of stim­uli and mak­ing those con­nec­tions. Cum via fin­gers, cum via tongue, cum via vibra­tions. … Mix it up and enjoy all of the above for what they are.

What Does the Science Actually Say?

I can use ad hoc analo­gies all day, but you don't have to take just my word for it. Kate Sloan dis­cussed some­thing sim­i­lar in her newslet­ter:

Numerous stud­ies have shown that vibra­tors improve sex­u­al sat­is­fac­tion, increase gen­i­tal sen­si­tiv­i­ty, and can even treat sex­u­al dys­func­tions.

And in my expe­ri­ence, I've found the take­aways of increased sex­u­al sat­is­fac­tion and increased gen­i­tal sen­si­tiv­i­ty to be true.

Hang-Up: "Sometimes I Feel Numb After Using a Wand. Is That Normal?"

This tem­po­rary numb­ing dif­fers from the long-​term habit­u­a­tion peo­ple are wor­ried about above. It's like when you hear the sound of a fan at first, but as you get set­tled in, you start to tune it out as back­ground noise.

But you can come back to the room lat­er and notice the ambi­ent sound again.

Turning up vibra­tion speed as you pro­ceed dur­ing a ses­sion and crav­ing more stim­u­la­tion is nor­mal. Later, you can return to your base­line and enjoy the sen­sa­tions again.

That said, I've found that the type of pow­er and move­ment on my clit mat­ters a lot. With some­thing buzzy like a Bodywand or Magic Wand Original, I either insta-​cum or numb quick­ly, almost like I find the high pitch to be a bit much, and sub­con­scious­ly back away.

In the lat­ter case, my expe­ri­ence has found that it's not a mat­ter of gen­er­al toy use but how well it match­es my per­son­al pref­er­ence. My Doxy Die Cast is reli­able and usu­al­ly plugged into the wall, but some days, it doesn't quite do it for me.

Sometimes, I crave some­thing rum­bli­er — less intense but with deep­er vibra­tions — and switch­ing to that gets me off quick­ly. Sometimes, I switch to an air pulse mas­sager or fin­ger myself or switch to deep dil­do dick­ing — and that gets me off faster than the wand would have.

In oth­er words, while falling into a rut with a wand is easy, raw pow­er isn't the only rel­e­vant fac­tor. Choose the right vibra­tor for you. Pay atten­tion to what you're crav­ing, and you might find that you're in the mood to cum faster with less brutish but more focused stimulation.

Hang-Up: "What if It Affects My Ability to Orgasm With a Partner? No Man Could Compete With That."

If expe­ri­enc­ing orgasm with a part­ner is essen­tial to you, and you love your vibra­tor or want to try one, you have some options:

• Show them what you like by look­ing into each other's eyes while masturbating
• Use a vibra­tor before hav­ing sex to bring your­self to the edge and fin­ish with your partner
• Use a vibra­tor dur­ing sex and enjoy the best of both worlds!

But I know that when peo­ple ask about vibra­tors' effects on plea­sure with a part­ner, what they real­ly mean is, "Can you still orgasm by oth­er means, such as a partner's mouth, fin­gers, or penis?"

My short answer is that, yes, I can orgasm via deep pen­e­tra­tion (thanks to long dil­dos and vibra­tors and well-​hung part­ners) and fin­ger­ing, and I'm not into oral. But that's only my expe­ri­ence and has lit­tle to do with your preferences.

My more nuanced answer is that, with rep­e­ti­tion, you can train your brain to strength­en sev­er­al path­ways to plea­sure — keep play­ing with a wide range of stim­uli and mak­ing those con­nec­tions. Cum via fin­gers, cum via tongue, cum via vibrations.

Vibrations feel very dif­fer­ent from bend­ing fin­gers and slid­ing penis­es! Mix it up and enjoy all of the above for what they are.

Closing Thoughts on Vibrators and Pleasure

My part­ner finds it hot to watch me fuck myself and play togeth­er, some­times using vibra­tors on him. And the repeat­ed, intense orgasms I've expe­ri­enced yield­ed repeat­ed, intense con­trac­tions — like a built-​in work­out incen­tive, mak­ing me able to squeeze tight­ly for long peri­ods of time.

That feels fan­tas­tic to both my part­ner and me; once I let go of my men­tal hang-​ups, sex toys have only ever added to my plea­sure and my partner's.

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RELATED POSTS:

• 11 Ways Glass Dildos Changed My Sex Life
• Dildos vs. "The Real Thing": Which One I'd Rather Have
• To Rock My World, Stop Asking, "Did You Cum?"

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