Midwest ‘Murrikah SEX TOY GIVEAWAY!

America-themed sex toy giveaway prizes, left to right: SelfDelve Corn dildo, Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner wine bottle dildo, The Realm Silver Bullet, Funkit Hackjob Axe Dildo, Hole Punch Toys Evolver gun dildo, Chaotic Kink Hunter & Cruciform acrylic blades,  Fox Tactical Handcuffs, Uberrime A-Spot Avenger in Patriot color scheme, Silc Arts Eagle dildo and Silc Touch Handle

I only use Facebook for three things nowa­days: event pages, Weirdly Specific Playlists, and the “Oh wow, that is VIOLENTLY American” meme tag group.

That last vibe is what I want this sex toy give­away to evoke.

With NINE quasi-patriotic prize packs worth over $1100, there’s a lit­tle something-something for every ‘Murrikan here. ON TO THE PRIZES!



America-themed sex toy prizes

Uberrime A‑Spot Avenger dildo ($99 retail value)

This girthy dil­do was explic­it­ly designed for depth play. If you like being bot­tomed out with cervix mas­sage and front wall stim­u­la­tion, the Uberrime A‑Spot Avenger is for you. There’s ridged piz­zaz galore with mul­ti­ple coro­nas and waves near the base.

Uberrime A-Spot Avenger Patriot girthy squishy silicone dildo for depth play

G‑spot, A‑spot. 2″ THICCness. You can have it all with the Uberrime A‑Spot Avenger. I nev­er don’t want to play with a heav­i­ly tex­tured dil­do by Uberrime. And those super­hero col­or palettes? Drool. Fittingly, the one in this give­away is called The Patriot, inspired by none oth­er than Captain America.

Hole Punch Toys Evolver dildo + handcuffs ($274 value)

You can get a nun dil­do and a gun dil­do from Hole Punch Toys. That’s pret­ty tongue-in-cheek American, I’d say. Hole Punch Toys does­n’t take spicy toys too too seri­ous­ly (in case you could­n’t tell). Their oth­er offer­ings include the Ass Cram Cone and Vagetable.

Hole Punch Toys Evolver silicone gun dildo

The par­tic­u­lar Evolver gun dil­do I have is a gray pearl col­or with a mar­bled “wood” grain grip. Its bar­rel insertable por­tion mea­sures 5.5″ long by 1.5″ wide.

Per read­er request, I also includ­ed a pair of chained double-locking hand­cuffs donat­ed by Noir Leather. They’re a local (to me) and POC veteran-owned sex shop staffed by peo­ple who give a fuck about plea­sure and con­sumer education.

Close-up of Chaotic Kink Hunter acrylic play blade with mirror finish and Fox Tactical double-locking handcuffs

SelfDelve Corn on the Cob dildo + Sliquid Silk hybrid lube ($100 value)

Cue jokes about “Country girls make do,” “Creamed corn,” and some­thing about but­ter­ing. Choose between the “stan­dard” and “large” size Corn on the Cob dil­do from SelfDelve! I reviewed the lat­ter. It’s more mas­sive, and it’s squishi­er and feels deli­cious on my cervix! 

I paired this corn dil­do with a bot­tle of hybrid lube because it looks like… well. You know what it looks like. And it’s per­fect for the innu­en­do of but­ter­ing your corn. Thank you to SheVibe for donat­ing the corn dil­do! Check out their badass art­work (includ­ing my super­hero trad­ing card) and unique selec­tion of sex toys. 

SelfDelve Corn on the Cob dildo with hybrid cum lube

Hunter and Cruciform acrylic blades by Chaotic Kink ($70 value)

Chaotic Kink makes laser-cut acrylic blades for safer kinky knife play. They have a vast range of blade styles, col­ors, and han­dle options for a wide range of aes­thet­ics. Cybergoth? Pastel princess? There’s some­thing for you in the shop.

Currently, cus­tom orders are on pause, BUT you can still look at their port­fo­lio of past designs. They also have plen­ty of ready-made blades, flog­gers, and whips.

These Hunter and Cruciform play blades fea­ture a reflec­tive mir­ror sur­face and resin han­dle. One is mod­eled after (duh) a hunt­ing knife, and the oth­er is a pre-release spe­cial with lil cross­es in the neg­a­tive space. Look how cute they are!

Funkit Toys Hackjob silicone hatchet ax dildo and Chaotic Kink Hunter and Cruciform acrylic play blade detail view

Hackjob hatchet dildo by Funkit Toys ($45 value)

Continuing the hunt­ing theme, we also have a fuck­able hatch­et with a shim­mery brown han­dle and sil­ver blade. (On Halloween, there’s also a ver­sion with red drips.)

Its flex­i­ble, insertable por­tion is about 7″ long by 1.4″ diam­e­ter, with ridges near the top. The Funkit Toys Hackjob ax dil­do can also serve as a thumpy impact toy for spanking.

Kenton from Funkit Toys’ mar­ket­ing copy is fun­ny AF. What’s more, he makes low-cost sil­i­cone nofrill­dos for those who want body-safe toys at an afford­able price. In his own words:

If you can afford a fanci­er dil­do, sup­port the cre­ation of fanci­er dil­dos. It’s worth it. If not, though? I think you should be able to buy a safe, non-toxic sex toy with­out wor­ry­ing about rent.

Golden Eagle dildo + Silc Touch Handle by Silc Arts ($240 value)

Uberrime A-Spot Avenger and Silc Arts golden Eagle dildo

I’ve reviewed the Sparrow by Silc Arts, and the Golden Eagle dil­do’s plumage is just as intri­cate­ly feath­ered. This one is super squishy and mea­sures 8.6″ long (7.5″ insertable) and 2.1″ max diam­e­ter. Its base also has some adorable flo­ral detailing.

Large Silc Arts Golden Eagle dildo with medium Silc Touch Handle next to Eagle lamp

Silc Arts also makes a detach­able han­dle for users who strug­gle with reach or aim­ing their dil­dos. That could include peo­ple with dis­abil­i­ties, short arms rel­a­tive to their tor­so, or lots of body fat to nav­i­gate dur­ing playtime.

I’m includ­ing a Silc Touch Handle as part of this prize pack to go with the Eagle dildo!

Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner wine bottle dildo ($215 value)

Where there’s corn, there’s moon­shine. Or rather, what would have been moon­shine in the roar­ing (19)20s. In the 2020s, we have the lux­u­ry of squishy, insertable “wine bot­tle” dil­dos.

You’re prob­a­bly a lit­tle curi­ous about huge dil­dos if you’re fol­low­ing my blog. The Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner is strad­dles my lim­its, but you do you if you can han­dle 2.9″ of diam­e­ter. I’m more impressed than any­thing else.

Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner silicone wine bottle dildo and SelfDelve silicone corn dildo

Blush The Realm Silver Bullet from SheVibe ($34 value)

Super afford­able. Pretty rumbly. Maybe big dils aren’t your thing, and you want to stick to the exter­nals. Orrrrrrr per­haps you want a bul­let to make the gar­gan­tu­an Hankey’s Toys Topher Michels vibrate.

The Realm’s Silver Bullet can do both. And at only $34, the bang-to-buck ratio is hard to beat.

Blush The Realm Silver Bullet next to Funkit Toys Hackjob handle

Clitoris print apparel (DESIGNED BY ME!)

I want­ed cli­toris print dress­es to exist, so I made them hap­pen. They’re inspired by pin­ups from the late 40s and ear­ly 50s with an all-over print in lieu of pol­ka dots. AND YES, there’s a ver­sion with a red and white striped skirt, because I must be extra in all regards.

The cli­toris print dress­es come in three col­or options (red and white, blue and white, and of course, RED WHITE AND BLUE). They go up to a 2XL. UPDATE: There’s now a long-sleeve cot­ton skater dress that goes up to 6XL. Those will take quite a bit longer for deliv­ery, though. 

My merch store also fea­tures a graph­ic tee if you’d rather have one of those instead. The black one goes up to a 5XL. Other col­or options go up to a 4XL.


Thank you to all the donors who made this giveaway possible!


Rules for entering this giveaway

Must be 18 or old­er to enter. This give­away goes live on May 20th, 2022 at 19:15 ET, and ends at 23:59 ET on June 18th, 2022. Once entries close, I’ll con­tact the win­ners by email to get their ship­ping info and (col­or, size) preferences.

Respond with­in 48 hours to claim your prize. Otherwise, I’ll pick a new winner.

Most of the give­away prizes are avail­able to read­ers with US address­es only, with one excep­tion. I can ship the cli­toris dress inter­na­tion­al­ly! I’m not respon­si­ble for VAT or cus­toms fees, though.


Giveaway entry widget

Midwest ‘MURRIKAH Spicy Toy Giveaway

If you’re on mobile and hav­ing issues with enter­ing, try this link to go to the give­away wid­get directly.


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13 Responses

  1. KIMMY Ripley says:

    Damn so many awe­some things here. THAT CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Ali Peaches says:

    The blades *heart­eyes* Alas, I’m in NZ so will be enter­ing for the dress which would have been my next choice anyway!

  3. Cheyenne Reeves says:

    Thank you for the oppor­tu­ni­ty to enter and win!! The corn dil is one that I have aaaaal­ways wanted!!

  4. Yam says:

    Thank you so much for the oppor­tu­ni­ty! This give­away is even bet­ter than the last!

  5. Chelsea says:

    This is SUCH an amaz­ing give­away! All these prizes are so good

  6. Cate says:

    Thanks for the opportunity!

  7. B says:

    This is tru­ly a dream of a give­away thank you ?

  8. Lee Anthony says:

    Rock on ? thanks for host­ing this awe­some giveaway!!!!

  9. John Patterson says:

    Keep for­get­ting to com­ment r for entry

  10. Sm says:

    Yay. I hope I win ?

  11. Sptfan says:

    This is so gen­er­ous! Thank you!!

  12. Sptfan says:

    Posting here again for the con­test lol!

  13. John Patterson says:

    Self delve looks super enjoyable

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