Review: SelfDelve Corn, Hole Punch Evolver, Moonshiner silicone dildos

Two alliterative words sum up these three dildos: Midwest ‘murrikah.

What could be more Midwest than corn and moonshine? And what could be more tongue-in-cheek American than dildos shaped like guns and nuns in the same shop?

You’d be forgiven if your initial reactions to the SelfDelve Corn dildo, Hole Punch Toys Evolver, and Moonshiner were a.) “Those are dildos?” or b.) laughter.

Because, damn right, they’re funny as fuck — but also oddly effective in use. And the dildo artisans know it. Colin from Hole Punch Toys calls himself a “maker of small-batch, local, seasonal, cruelty-free, organic, artisanal sex toys for the discerning pervert.”

SelfDelve quips about their veggie dildo line, “Every fruit now comes into your bedroom without the natural disadvantages. Also, where else can you get corn in February?”

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SelfDelve Corn on the Cob dildo review

“City girls buy vibrators. Country girls make do.”

— the internet when they discovered a particular drawing by Toni Greis

I’m not sure what people anticipate when they hear “corn dildo,” but the SelfDelve Corn on Cob’s realism blows expectations away. As with all of SelfDelve’s vegetable-shaped dildos, their Corn on the Cob was cast from actual maize ⁠— grainy bulges and all.

(Did I Google “lifecast vegetable” to clarify whether “lifecasting” would be a proper term? Yes, I did. And no, it’s not.)

Butter up this corn dildo with your favorite cum hybrid lube. Let’s make some creamed corn.

I must also admit: I giggled at the corn dildo’s canonical product description.

“The SelfDelve Corn On The Cob Large Silicone Dildo is a particularly exciting creation of nature because the knobby surface provides extreme sexual pleasure when the corn kernels pass over the vaginal walls.”

How does the SelfDelve Corn dildo feel in use?

Once I get past the initial novelty factor, I can sum up my review with one repeated letter: “AAAAAAAAAAAA.”

SelfDelve’s designs consistently feel fucking good. I’ve already lost count of how many orgasms the Corn on the Cob dildo has given me.

Damn right, the textures dazzle my front wall and grind against my clit. And watching me fuck myself with the more massive maize size option is enthralling. Even I wondered, “How the hell does that fit inside her?”

The version I have measures about 8.3” long and 2” across — thicker than my wrist — while the smaller option is 7.9” by 1.6”.

What can I say? The SelfDelve Corn on the Cob dildo is visually impressive. And it doesn’t have to be anywhere near the biggest dildo I’ve used to make a colossal impact. (If you want a behemoth of a veggildo specimen, consider the SelfDelve Aubergine/Eggplant instead.)

Delicious for deep penetration and cervix stimulation

The SelfDelve corn dildo’s tapered tip readily slips into my posterior fornix, and the firmness makes my cervix feel like the ahegao overheating emoji. Hard enough to gratify but soft enough for comfort and to conform to my G-spot. Clenching around it is “oof.” Insta-cum.

I don’t know how they always nail it, but SelfDelve’s silicone is always a delicious balance of intense and flexible. Want a tough curve? Try their cucumber dildo. Or to feel like you’re being fucked by a cloud deity? Try the SelfDelve Marshmallow.  

Closing thoughts on the SelfDelve corn dildo

The SelfDelve Corn on the Cob Large dildo will delight you if you’re seeking an insertable with:

• Filling girth
• Intoxicatingly adaptive springiness
• Textures galore
• Endless comedic potential
• A starring role in a farmer fantasy

… maybe give this corn dildo a good (something that rhymes with shucking).

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Hole Punch Toys Evolver gun dildo review

So much for trigger discipline.

This revolver dildo’s design features a 5.5” long barrel, G-spotty tip, and — an unexpected perk — a trigger that can grind up against the clit for dual stimulation, depending on your anatomy. 

I got a silicone corn dildo to clear concerns of agricultural pathogens or pesticides in my pussy. And the fully-silicone Hole Punch Evolver frees my mind of:

• Whether a gun is loaded
• Whether it’s pointed at anything I’d like to destroy
• Trigger discipline
• What’s behind my target

You get the idea. If you’re looking for a gunplay kink prop, the Hole Punch Evolver dildo might fit the bill.

Hole Punch Toys Evolver gun dildo colors and firmness

Hole Punch Toys’ silicone artistry with the Evolver gun dildo is melting face emoji. Even my therapist commented, “That is beautiful,” when I showed her the shimmering pearl cylinder and faux-wood marble grip. (Other color options include blue or black with “mother of pearl” accents.)

There are two silicone firmnesses in the Hole Punch Toys Evolver. Overall, it has very little “give” when you squeeze into it but will still flex at the thin point in the handle and all along the barrel.

How the Hole Punch Toys Evolver dildo feels in use

The Evolver dildo’s mushroom tip flares out a lot. It’s by no means abrupt, but the bevel is quite sharp. Between the exaggerated coronal ridge and firmness, it’s very G-spotty.

It’s not a toy that you push into the G-spot on the “in” stroke, so much as one that pulls on it during the “out” stroke, so keep in mind your thrusting preferences.

If you want to use it for butt stuff, great news: the handle makes it safe for anal play!

Depending on your anatomy, the Hole Punch Evolver’s dimensions might be better suited for digging into the A-spot. It measures a remarkably average 5.5” long by 1.5” wide, which can bottom out some users. It’s not the perfect length for me, but it goes deep and hard enough to hit the front wall below my cervix. The orgasms are boundless and effortless, especially while clenching.

And, again, the trigger can serve as a clitoral stimulating node if your C-V gap is on the short side. Suppose there’s less than 1 inch between your vaginal opening and clitoral glans.

In that case, you’ll have an extra layer of appreciation for the Hole Punch Toys Evolver — moderately deep penetration and external grinding with one hand. It’s like hitting the “eject oxytocin” button repeatedly.

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Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner bottle-shaped dildo

Legend has it that the Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner originated with porn star Proxy Paige asking for a silicone wine bottle dildo, to which the maker responded, “How big?”

The canonical description made me laugh way harder than anything I could have written myself:

“Do you love the idea of a bottle inside you without the pesky fear of jagged shards of glass lacerating your tender flesh?  Well, look no further.”

Silicone wine bottle dildo measurements and colors

This wine bottle-shaped silicone dildo is a hella niche product. The formidably blunt end measures 2.5” in diameter, while the “neck” on the other side is about 3” long and 1.2” wide. (And look at the cork texture detailing. So cute). Meanwhile, the “shoulders’” maximum diameter is about 2.85” across.

You can get this wine bottle dildo in sea glass green or hot pink (Proxy Paige edition) with purple “moonshine.” 

It’s bigger than the Fist Trainer and Bishop but smaller and squishier than the Pawn. At Shore 0050 density silicone, it’s gummy-like but still has plenty of bounce when it’s this thicc. Let’s just say there’s a compelling reason the Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner wine bottle dildo was in my huge dildo mega-guide.

Is it possible to insert a wine bottle dildo vaginally?

I can barely get the Moonshiner bottle dildo’s “shoulders” in deep enough to fold the neck. And don’t bother hand-thrusting it. At least, I wouldn’t do it that way; it’s far easier to sit on this huge dildo while using a double-sided suction cup to hold it in place on the ground.

When I can get it in, it’s just a ceaseless squeeze/clench, cum, repeat cycle with no further effort. When I can get it in. I definitely can’t use all of it, but the bottle’s neck and shoulders have to count for something.

“That’s the biggest part, though!” a friend responded when I told him that.

“Yeah, it’s another dildo that makes me want to be extra nice to my mom for bringing me into the world.”