Review: SelfDelve Corn, Hole Punch Evolver, Moonshiner silicone dildos

Two allit­er­a­tive words sum up these three dil­dos: Midwest ‘mur­rikah.

What could be more Midwest than corn and moon­shine? And what could be more tongue-​in-​cheek American than dil­dos shaped like guns and nuns in the same shop?

SelfDelve Large Corn dildo, Hole Punch Toys Evolver revolver gun-shaped dildo, Uberrime A-Spot Avenger, and Moonshiner wine bottle-shaped silicone dildo
Left to right: Self Delve Corn on the Cob Large, Hole Punch Toys Evolver, Uberrime A‑Spot Avenger, Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner

You’d be for­giv­en if your ini­tial reac­tions to the SelfDelve Corn dil­do, Hole Punch Toys Evolver, and Moonshiner were a.) “Those are dil­dos?” or b.) laughter.

Because, damn right, they’re fun­ny as fuck — but also odd­ly effec­tive in use. And the dil­do arti­sans know it. Colin from Hole Punch Toys calls him­self a “mak­er of small-​batch, local, sea­son­al, cruelty-​free, organ­ic, arti­sanal sex toys for the dis­cern­ing pervert.”

SelfDelve quips about their veg­gie dil­do line, “Every fruit now comes into your bed­room with­out the nat­ur­al dis­ad­van­tages. Also, where else can you get corn in February?”

SelfDelve Corn on the Cob dildo review

“City girls buy vibra­tors. Country girls make do.”

— the inter­net when they dis­cov­ered a par­tic­u­lar draw­ing by Toni Greis

Sensuva Erosense cum lube on SelfDelve Corn on the Cob Large dildo
Sensuva Erosense Hybrid Moisturizer on SelfDelve Corn on the Cob Large dildo

I’m not sure what peo­ple antic­i­pate when they hear “corn dil­do,” but the SelfDelve Corn on Cob’s real­ism blows expec­ta­tions away. As with all of SelfDelve’s vegetable-​shaped dil­dos, their Corn on the Cob was cast from actu­al maize ⁠— grainy bulges and all.

(Did I Google “life­cast veg­etable” to clar­i­fy whether “life­cast­ing” would be a prop­er term? Yes, I did. And no, it’s not.)

Butter up this corn dil­do with your favorite cum hybrid lube. Let’s make some creamed corn.

I must also admit: I gig­gled at the corn dildo’s canon­i­cal prod­uct description.

“The SelfDelve Corn On The Cob Large Silicone Dildo is a par­tic­u­lar­ly excit­ing cre­ation of nature because the knob­by sur­face pro­vides extreme sex­u­al plea­sure when the corn ker­nels pass over the vagi­nal walls.”

How does the SelfDelve Corn dildo feel in use?

Once I get past the ini­tial nov­el­ty fac­tor, I can sum up my review with one repeat­ed let­ter: “AAAAAAAAAAAA.”

SelfDelve Corn on the Cob silicone dildo in red white and blue ceramic "basket"

SelfDelve’s designs con­sis­tent­ly feel fuck­ing good. I’ve already lost count of how many orgasms the Corn on the Cob dil­do has giv­en me.

Damn right, the tex­tures daz­zle my front wall and grind against my clit. And watch­ing me fuck myself with the more mas­sive maize size option is enthralling. Even I won­dered, “How the hell does that fit inside her?”

The ver­sion I have mea­sures about 8.3” long and 2” across — thick­er than my wrist — while the small­er option is 7.9” by 1.6”.

What can I say? The SelfDelve Corn on the Cob dil­do is visu­al­ly impres­sive. And it doesn’t have to be any­where near the biggest dil­do I’ve used to make a colos­sal impact. (If you want a behe­moth of a veg­gildo spec­i­men, con­sid­er the SelfDelve Aubergine/​Eggplant instead.)

Delicious for deep penetration and cervix stimulation

The SelfDelve corn dildo’s tapered tip read­i­ly slips into my pos­te­ri­or fornix, and the firm­ness makes my cervix feel like the ahe­gao over­heat­ing emo­ji. Hard enough to grat­i­fy but soft enough for com­fort and to con­form to my G‑spot. Clenching around it is “oof.” Insta-cum.

SelfDelve Corn on the Cob Large silicone dildo on heart-shaped blue willow plate

I don’t know how they always nail it, but SelfDelve’s sil­i­cone is always a deli­cious bal­ance of intense and flex­i­ble. Want a tough curve? Try their cucum­ber dil­do. Or to feel like you’re being fucked by a cloud deity? Try the SelfDelve Marshmallow.  

Closing thoughts on the SelfDelve corn dildo

The SelfDelve Corn on the Cob Large dil­do will delight you if you’re seek­ing an insertable with:

  • Filling girth
  • Intoxicatingly adap­tive springiness
  • Textures galore
  • Endless comedic potential
  • A star­ring role in a farmer fantasy

… maybe give this corn dil­do a good (some­thing that rhymes with shucking).

Hole Punch Toys Evolver silicone revolver-shaped toy gun dildo next to Moonshiner and corn dildo

Hole Punch Toys Evolver gun dildo review

So much for trig­ger discipline.

This revolver dildo’s design fea­tures a 5.5” long bar­rel, G‑spotty tip, and — an unex­pect­ed perk — a trig­ger that can grind up against the clit for dual stim­u­la­tion, depend­ing on your anatomy. 

I got a sil­i­cone corn dil­do to clear con­cerns of agri­cul­tur­al pathogens or pes­ti­cides in my pussy. And the fully-​silicone Hole Punch Evolver frees my mind of:

  • Whether a gun is loaded
  • Whether it’s point­ed at any­thing I’d like to destroy
  • Trigger dis­ci­pline
  • What’s behind my target

You get the idea. If you’re look­ing for a gun­play kink prop, the Hole Punch Evolver dil­do might fit the bill.

Hole Punch Toys Evolver silicone revolver-shaped toy gun dildo cylinder close-up

Hole Punch Toys Evolver gun dildo colors and firmness

Hole Punch Toys’ sil­i­cone artistry with the Evolver gun dil­do is melt­ing face emo­ji. Even my ther­a­pist com­ment­ed, “That is beau­ti­ful,” when I showed her the shim­mer­ing pearl cylin­der and faux-​wood mar­ble grip. (Other col­or options include blue or black with “moth­er of pearl” accents.)

There are two sil­i­cone firm­ness­es in the Hole Punch Toys Evolver. Overall, it has very lit­tle “give” when you squeeze into it but will still flex at the thin point in the han­dle and all along the barrel.

How the Hole Punch Toys Evolver dildo feels in use

The Evolver dildo’s mush­room tip flares out a lot. It’s by no means abrupt, but the bev­el is quite sharp. Between the exag­ger­at­ed coro­nal ridge and firm­ness, it's very G‑spotty.

It’s not a toy that you push into the G‑spot on the “in” stroke, so much as one that pulls on it dur­ing the “out” stroke, so keep in mind your thrust­ing preferences.

Hole Punch Toys Evolver silicone revolver-shaped toy gun dildo mushroom tip close-up

If you want to use it for butt stuff, great news: the han­dle makes it safe for anal play!

Depending on your anato­my, the Hole Punch Evolver’s dimen­sions might be bet­ter suit­ed for dig­ging into the A‑spot. It mea­sures a remark­ably aver­age 5.5” long by 1.5” wide, which can bot­tom out some users. It’s not the per­fect length for me, but it goes deep and hard enough to hit the front wall below my cervix. The orgasms are bound­less and effort­less, espe­cial­ly while clenching.

And, again, the trig­ger can serve as a cli­toral stim­u­lat­ing node if your C‑V gap is on the short side. Suppose there’s less than 1 inch between your vagi­nal open­ing and cli­toral glans.

Hole Punch Toys Evolver silicone revolver-shaped toy gun dildo trigger and barrel

In that case, you’ll have an extra lay­er of appre­ci­a­tion for the Hole Punch Toys Evolver — mod­er­ate­ly deep pen­e­tra­tion and exter­nal grind­ing with one hand. It’s like hit­ting the “eject oxy­tocin” but­ton repeatedly.

Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner bottle-shaped dildo

Legend has it that the Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner orig­i­nat­ed with porn star Proxy Paige ask­ing for a sil­i­cone wine bot­tle dil­do, to which the mak­er respond­ed, “How big?”

Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner silicone wine bottle dildo next to SelfDelve Corn on the Cob Large dildo

The canon­i­cal descrip­tion made me laugh way hard­er than any­thing I could have writ­ten myself:

“Do you love the idea of a bot­tle inside you with­out the pesky fear of jagged shards of glass lac­er­at­ing your ten­der flesh?  Well, look no further.”

Silicone wine bottle dildo measurements and colors

This wine bottle-​shaped sil­i­cone dil­do is a hel­la niche prod­uct. The for­mi­da­bly blunt end mea­sures 2.5” in diam­e­ter, while the “neck” on the oth­er side is about 3” long and 1.2” wide. (And look at the cork tex­ture detail­ing. So cute). Meanwhile, the “shoul­ders’” max­i­mum diam­e­ter is about 2.85” across.

You can get this wine bot­tle dil­do in sea glass green or hot pink (Proxy Paige edi­tion) with pur­ple “moon­shine.” 

Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner silicone wine bottle dildo neck flexibility and cork texture close-up

It’s big­ger than the Fist Trainer and Bishop but small­er and squishi­er than the Pawn. At Shore 0050 den­si­ty sil­i­cone, it’s gummy-​like but still has plen­ty of bounce when it’s this thicc. Let's just say there's a com­pelling rea­son the Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner wine bot­tle dil­do was in my huge dil­do mega-​guide.

Is it possible to insert a wine bottle dildo vaginally?

I can bare­ly get the Moonshiner bot­tle dildo’s “shoul­ders” in deep enough to fold the neck. And don’t both­er hand-​thrusting it. At least, I wouldn’t do it that way; it’s far eas­i­er to sit on this huge dil­do while using a double-​sided suc­tion cup to hold it in place on the ground.

When I can get it in, it’s just a cease­less squeeze/​clench, cum, repeat cycle with no fur­ther effort. When I can get it in. I def­i­nite­ly can’t use all of it, but the bottle’s neck and shoul­ders have to count for some­thing.

Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner silicone wine bottle dildo
My vagi­na doesn't "take" huge dil­dos; it con­sumes them.

“That’s the biggest part, though!” a friend respond­ed when I told him that.

“Yeah, it’s anoth­er dil­do that makes me want to be extra nice to my mom for bring­ing me into the world.”

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6 Responses

  1. Sm says:

    "Country girls make do"
    I'm from Texas and this meme was always a plus. Lmao

    With the lube it reminds me of elotes.

  2. Cam says:

    The moon­shin­er has a nice col­or scheme

  3. MK says:

    Okay I always pic­tured leak­ing the moon­shin­er blunt end first and using the cork side as a han­dle. Is it pos­si­ble that way?

  4. D. Dyer says:

    Admittedly, part of why I would like these is for dis­play pur­pos­es. they are gor­geous but it is excel­lent to know they are also satisfying.

  5. C says:

    The first time I was curi­ous­ly search­ing Hole Punch’s site and saw the Evolver i just thought it was beau­ti­ful, but at the price point it was nev­er some­thing I could spring for- so I entered for it in your give­away and I’m real­ly hop­ing I’ll win it ☺️ Also, your line about being extra nice to your mom for giv­ing birth to you after your expe­ri­ence with the Moonshiner made me laugh. Personally there’s no way I’d be able to take that one, lol.

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