Review: SelfDelve Corn, Hole Punch Evolver, Moonshiner silicone dildos

Two allit­er­a­tive words sum up these three dil­dos: Midwest ‘mur­rikah.

What could be more Midwest than corn and moon­shine? And what could be more tongue-​in-​cheek American than dil­dos shaped like guns and nuns in the same shop?

You’d be for­giv­en if your ini­tial reac­tions to the SelfDelve Corn dil­do, Hole Punch Toys Evolver, and Moonshiner were a.) “Those are dil­dos?” or b.) laughter.

Because, damn right, they’re fun­ny as fuck — but also odd­ly effec­tive in use. And the dil­do arti­sans know it. Colin from Hole Punch Toys calls him­self a “mak­er of small-​batch, local, sea­son­al, cruelty-​free, organ­ic, arti­sanal sex toys for the dis­cern­ing pervert.”

SelfDelve quips about their veg­gie dil­do line, “Every fruit now comes into your bed­room with­out the nat­ur­al dis­ad­van­tages. Also, where else can you get corn in February?”

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SelfDelve Corn on the Cob dildo review

“City girls buy vibra­tors. Country girls make do.”

— the inter­net when they dis­cov­ered a par­tic­u­lar draw­ing by Toni Greis

I’m not sure what peo­ple antic­i­pate when they hear “corn dil­do,” but the SelfDelve Corn on Cob’s real­ism blows expec­ta­tions away. As with all of SelfDelve’s vegetable-​shaped dil­dos, their Corn on the Cob was cast from actu­al maize ⁠— grainy bulges and all.

(Did I Google “life­cast veg­etable” to clar­i­fy whether “life­cast­ing” would be a prop­er term? Yes, I did. And no, it’s not.)

Butter up this corn dil­do with your favorite cum hybrid lube. Let’s make some creamed corn.

I must also admit: I gig­gled at the corn dildo’s canon­i­cal prod­uct description.

“The SelfDelve Corn On The Cob Large Silicone Dildo is a par­tic­u­lar­ly excit­ing cre­ation of nature because the knob­by sur­face pro­vides extreme sex­u­al plea­sure when the corn ker­nels pass over the vagi­nal walls.”

How does the SelfDelve Corn dildo feel in use?

Once I get past the ini­tial nov­el­ty fac­tor, I can sum up my review with one repeat­ed let­ter: “AAAAAAAAAAAA.”

SelfDelve’s designs con­sis­tent­ly feel fuck­ing good. I’ve already lost count of how many orgasms the Corn on the Cob dil­do has giv­en me.

Damn right, the tex­tures daz­zle my front wall and grind against my clit. And watch­ing me fuck myself with the more mas­sive maize size option is enthralling. Even I won­dered, “How the hell does that fit inside her?”

The ver­sion I have mea­sures about 8.3” long and 2” across — thick­er than my wrist — while the small­er option is 7.9” by 1.6”.

What can I say? The SelfDelve Corn on the Cob dil­do is visu­al­ly impres­sive. And it doesn’t have to be any­where near the biggest dil­do I’ve used to make a colos­sal impact. (If you want a behe­moth of a veg­gildo spec­i­men, con­sid­er the SelfDelve Aubergine/​Eggplant instead.)

Delicious for deep penetration and cervix stimulation

The SelfDelve corn dildo’s tapered tip read­i­ly slips into my pos­te­ri­or fornix, and the firm­ness makes my cervix feel like the ahe­gao over­heat­ing emo­ji. Hard enough to grat­i­fy but soft enough for com­fort and to con­form to my G‑spot. Clenching around it is “oof.” Insta-cum.

I don’t know how they always nail it, but SelfDelve’s sil­i­cone is always a deli­cious bal­ance of intense and flex­i­ble. Want a tough curve? Try their cucum­ber dil­do. Or to feel like you’re being fucked by a cloud deity? Try the SelfDelve Marshmallow.  

Closing thoughts on the SelfDelve corn dildo

The SelfDelve Corn on the Cob Large dil­do will delight you if you’re seek­ing an insertable with:

• Filling girth
• Intoxicatingly adap­tive springiness
• Textures galore
• Endless comedic potential
• A star­ring role in a farmer fantasy

… maybe give this corn dil­do a good (some­thing that rhymes with shucking).

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Hole Punch Toys Evolver gun dildo review

So much for trig­ger discipline.

This revolver dildo’s design fea­tures a 5.5” long bar­rel, G‑spotty tip, and — an unex­pect­ed perk — a trig­ger that can grind up against the clit for dual stim­u­la­tion, depend­ing on your anatomy. 

I got a sil­i­cone corn dil­do to clear con­cerns of agri­cul­tur­al pathogens or pes­ti­cides in my pussy. And the fully-​silicone Hole Punch Evolver frees my mind of:

• Whether a gun is loaded
• Whether it’s point­ed at any­thing I’d like to destroy
• Trigger dis­ci­pline
• What’s behind my target

You get the idea. If you’re look­ing for a gun­play kink prop, the Hole Punch Evolver dil­do might fit the bill.

Hole Punch Toys Evolver gun dildo colors and firmness

Hole Punch Toys’ sil­i­cone artistry with the Evolver gun dil­do is melt­ing face emo­ji. Even my ther­a­pist com­ment­ed, “That is beau­ti­ful,” when I showed her the shim­mer­ing pearl cylin­der and faux-​wood mar­ble grip. (Other col­or options include blue or black with “moth­er of pearl” accents.)

There are two sil­i­cone firm­ness­es in the Hole Punch Toys Evolver. Overall, it has very lit­tle “give” when you squeeze into it but will still flex at the thin point in the han­dle and all along the barrel.

How the Hole Punch Toys Evolver dildo feels in use

The Evolver dildo’s mush­room tip flares out a lot. It’s by no means abrupt, but the bev­el is quite sharp. Between the exag­ger­at­ed coro­nal ridge and firm­ness, it's very G‑spotty.

It’s not a toy that you push into the G‑spot on the “in” stroke, so much as one that pulls on it dur­ing the “out” stroke, so keep in mind your thrust­ing preferences.

If you want to use it for butt stuff, great news: the han­dle makes it safe for anal play!

Depending on your anato­my, the Hole Punch Evolver’s dimen­sions might be bet­ter suit­ed for dig­ging into the A‑spot. It mea­sures a remark­ably aver­age 5.5” long by 1.5” wide, which can bot­tom out some users. It’s not the per­fect length for me, but it goes deep and hard enough to hit the front wall below my cervix. The orgasms are bound­less and effort­less, espe­cial­ly while clenching.

And, again, the trig­ger can serve as a cli­toral stim­u­lat­ing node if your C‑V gap is on the short side. Suppose there’s less than 1 inch between your vagi­nal open­ing and cli­toral glans.

In that case, you’ll have an extra lay­er of appre­ci­a­tion for the Hole Punch Toys Evolver — mod­er­ate­ly deep pen­e­tra­tion and exter­nal grind­ing with one hand. It’s like hit­ting the “eject oxy­tocin” but­ton repeatedly.

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Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner bottle-shaped dildo

Legend has it that the Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner orig­i­nat­ed with porn star Proxy Paige ask­ing for a sil­i­cone wine bot­tle dil­do, to which the mak­er respond­ed, “How big?”

The canon­i­cal descrip­tion made me laugh way hard­er than any­thing I could have writ­ten myself:

“Do you love the idea of a bot­tle inside you with­out the pesky fear of jagged shards of glass lac­er­at­ing your ten­der flesh?  Well, look no further.”

Silicone wine bottle dildo measurements and colors

This wine bottle-​shaped sil­i­cone dil­do is a hel­la niche prod­uct. The for­mi­da­bly blunt end mea­sures 2.5” in diam­e­ter, while the “neck” on the oth­er side is about 3” long and 1.2” wide. (And look at the cork tex­ture detail­ing. So cute). Meanwhile, the “shoul­ders’” max­i­mum diam­e­ter is about 2.85” across.

You can get this wine bot­tle dil­do in sea glass green or hot pink (Proxy Paige edi­tion) with pur­ple “moon­shine.” 

It’s big­ger than the Fist Trainer and Bishop but small­er and squishi­er than the Pawn. At Shore 0050 den­si­ty sil­i­cone, it’s gummy-​like but still has plen­ty of bounce when it’s this thicc. Let's just say there's a com­pelling rea­son the Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner wine bot­tle dil­do was in my huge dil­do mega-​guide.

Is it possible to insert a wine bottle dildo vaginally?

I can bare­ly get the Moonshiner bot­tle dildo’s “shoul­ders” in deep enough to fold the neck. And don’t both­er hand-​thrusting it. At least, I wouldn’t do it that way; it’s far eas­i­er to sit on this huge dil­do while using a double-​sided suc­tion cup to hold it in place on the ground.

When I can get it in, it’s just a cease­less squeeze/​clench, cum, repeat cycle with no fur­ther effort. When I can get it in. I def­i­nite­ly can’t use all of it, but the bottle’s neck and shoul­ders have to count for some­thing.

“That’s the biggest part, though!” a friend respond­ed when I told him that.

“Yeah, it’s anoth­er dil­do that makes me want to be extra nice to my mom for bring­ing me into the world.”