Hankey’s Toys Topher Michels Medium Review: HUGE Realistic Dildo

[Image: Topher Michels dildo by Mr. Hankey's Toys next to Uberrime Xenuphora and bottle of Sliquid Sassy]

For size com­par­i­son, the Uberrime Xenuphora ten­ta­cle dil­do is about the size of the aver­age man's penis. Let that sink in.

Despite its average-​sounding name, Mr. Hankey's Topher Michels medi­um dil­do is any­thing but that.

Don't be fooled: with a 2.68" diam­e­ter near the shaft, this dil­do looks gar­gan­tu­an next to my oth­er "real­is­tic" toys.

I put "real­is­tic" in quo­ta­tion marks because I hes­i­tate to call the Topher Michels dil­do that. Yes, it's a high­ly rep­re­sen­ta­tion­al life­cast of its epony­mous porn star. Complete with vas­cu­la­ture, a dis­tinct cor­pus spon­gio­sum, frenu­lum, ure­thral mea­tus, and scrotum.

There's a rea­son I sim­ply refer to it as "the big, wrinkly ball sack dildo."

(One of my friends inspect­ed the testes and said to his twin broth­er, "My balls look like that. Don't your balls look like that, too?" And a fel­low sex blog­ger com­ment­ed, "Wow, that's real­ly the Shar-​Pei of dil­dos, isn't it?")

Mr. Hankey's Toys Topher Michels Lifecast Dildo Sizes

Hankey’s Toys Topher Michels Medium Review: HUGE Realistic Dildo 1

The man­u­fac­tur­er sells the Topher Michels in 4 sizes.

Topher Michels' actu­al penis, though sig­nif­i­cant, isn't quite the beast that Mr. Hankey's Toys' "medi­um" is.

This big dil­do comes in two sizes at SheVibe:

Original size
  • 5.83” cir­cum­fer­ence (at ridge)
  • 5.6” cir­cum­fer­ence (mid-​shaft)
  • 6” cir­cum­fer­ence (near base)
  • 4.9” insertable length
  • 6.4” total length
  • 6.75” cir­cum­fer­ence (at ridge)
  • 7.75” cir­cum­fer­ence (mid-​shaft)
  • 8.5” cir­cum­fer­ence (near base)
  • 6.75” insertable length
  • 8.5” total length

(Fun fact: a friend of mine once hooked up with a guy whose dick is the same size as the Topher Michels medi­um. The dude was 4' 5". As in, FIFTY-​THREE INCHES tall. Talk about hav­ing three legs…)

[Image: medium Topher Michels huge dildo next to tiny lube bottle]

It's lit­er­al­ly larger-​than-​life. Mr. Hankey's Topher Michels is more like pho­tos on a cere­al box with the fine print, "Enlarged to show texture."

Key Features of Hankey's Topher Michels Medium Dildo

Hooo boi, even on the tac­tile lev­el, there's a lot of tex­ture! There's so much skin-​like sur­face grain and veinage, espe­cial­ly high­light­ed by the glossy sil­i­cone surface.

Defined Head and Curved Shaft

From a struc­tur­al stand­point, one of the most notice­able traits (besides the balls) is the engorged head. The coro­na on Mr. Hankey's Toys' Topher Michels doesn't only flare out — it's sharp and curls slight­ly upward on the dor­sal side. Combine that with the curved shaft for the seri­ous­ly tar­get­ed stim­u­la­tion that my G‑spot some­times craves.

Even with shal­low pen­e­tra­tion, I'm prac­ti­cal­ly a 3‑pump chump when using Mr. Hankey's Toys' Topher Michels.

Bullet Cavity/​Lock-​On Hole

[Image: a view of the Mr. Hankey's Topher Michels Vac-U-Lock hole in the base]

To max­i­mize plea­sure with it, I like insert­ing a bul­let inside the Vac-​U-​Lock/​Lock-​On hole — one slight­ly big­ger than the "standard"-sized We-​Vibe Tango.

One would think that the Topher Michels dildo's THICC, squishy sil­i­cone damp­ens the vibra­tions, but the Exposed Nocturnal packs such a punch that it doesn't mat­ter. I can still come by hold­ing the bot­tom half of the vibrat­ing dildo's shaft against my clit.

As far as big vibrat­a­bles go, the Topher Michels and Blush bul­let pair­ing is one of my favorites, maybe sec­ond only to the (far firmer and rum­bli­er) Swan Wand Classic.

My part­ner also finds that putting his fin­ger inside the bul­let cav­i­ty makes it eas­i­er to hand-​thrust. Other users may want to use Vac-​U-​Lock holes for attach­ing to fuck-​saws, "sword" dil­do han­dles, or added strap-​on har­ness sta­bil­i­ty. (Otherwise, you're going to need a BIG, 2.5" O‑ring!)


Hankey’s Toys Topher Michels Medium Review: HUGE Realistic Dildo 2

Yeah, I can't not men­tion the Topher Michels dildo's testes again. They're conspicuous.

If you like real­is­tic dil­dos, you'll like feel­ing the balls smack­ing against you. My boyfriend finds that they make it eas­i­er for him to hold and thrust — which is under­stand­able when there's oth­er­wise such a big circumference.

(Myself, I'm not a fan of how the lube drips on them and gets all over my butt.)

For those who want extreme anal stretch­ing, though, the balls on Mr. Hankey's Topher Michels dil­do serve as a "stop­per." You won't have to wor­ry about this toy get­ting lost in your rectum.

A Big Dildo for Those Looking to Push Their Limits

[Image: medium Topher Michels by Hankey's Toys next to Vixen Creations' VixSkin Gambler and single-density Randy]

For ref­er­ence, the Vixen Randy (the black dil­do all the way on the right) is about the width of a soda can's top. The Gambler is even thick­er, just shy of 3 inch­es diameter.

What do the fol­low­ing sce­nar­ios have in common?

  • A cat wak­ing up from a nap
  • Someone com­par­ing COVID-​19 lock­downs to fascism
  • Me using the Topher Michels


The Topher Michels Medium dil­do starts (rel­a­tive­ly) thin, mea­sur­ing 2.13" diam­e­ter around the ridge at the top, and gen­tly ramps up to the final 2.7" near the base. It's an excel­lent fit for if you're look­ing to lev­el up, with­out going from 0 to 100.

If a more dis­tinct­ly con­i­cal dil­do to pre­pare for fist­ing is what you're look­ing for, con­sid­er the Tantus Fist Trainer. I didn't like it for vagi­nal use, how­ev­er, because of how pointy it is.

Me? Struggling to Fit a Dildo Inside My Vagina?


Topher Michels medi­um /​ my hand /​ We-​Vibe Wand

On the first two attempts, I seri­ous­ly couldn't fit the Hankey's Toys Topher Michels medi­um inside me. It hurt too much.

We're talk­ing like back in November 2019 or so.

At the time, I had used the suuuper-​squishy VixSkin Gambler before but not the Tantus Bishop or Fist Trainer. While Mr. Hankey's soft sil­i­cone could be used in stress balls, it has noth­ing on VixSkin's outer-​layer pliability.

Be real­is­tic about what you can han­dle. I enjoy using the medi­um Topher Michels' firm­ness for intense and over­whelm­ing G‑spot stim­u­la­tion, but insert­ing it all the way isn't for the faint of vagi­na. It takes dedication.

When I am relaxed enough to insert this colos­sal dil­do all the way, though, my cervix adores it. As always, your mileage may vary. (If you're look­ing for tips on using thick­er toys, def­i­nite­ly check out my Tantus Super Soft XL round-​up.)

My Verdict on Mr. Hankey's Topher Michels Medium Dildo

I'm not usu­al­ly a fan of real­ism for the sake of real­ism in dil­dos, but I can appre­ci­ate the lev­el of detail in this exag­ger­at­ed life­cast. I didn't use the Topher Michels dil­do (sole­ly) for brag­ging rights, though — I must come on it again and again. My vagi­na almost feels emp­ty with­out it.

Until my boyfriend comes over and his fist remix­es my guts, my walls are ready to C R U S H the Mr. Hankey's Toys Topher Michels.

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1 Response

  1. Rob says:

    Thanks for your awe­some review. I bought this to use on my wife and she loves it's nice coron­nal coron­nal ridge and his girthy shaft that gives her "out of body" O's. Also the fan­ta­sy of hav­ing anoth­er guys big dick inside her height­ens her excitement.?

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