4 Common Misconceptions About Sex-Positive Bloggers
When I reveal that I’m a sex toy reviewer, I sometimes hear variations of “Really?! But you’re so quiet/wholesome/[insert another synonym for demure]!”
On a bad day, I might clap back, “I’m sorry— I didn’t realize that introversion meant not having a clitoris, nor caring about extended orgasms.”
Here’s the thing: writing about sex is like writing about love, life, and happiness.
There is no uniform type of person who gravitates towards or philosophizes about sexuality. And among sex bloggers, the job is just one aspect of a person’s life, rather than everything they are. I wish more people understood that.
Here are just a few of the assumptions about sex bloggers that I’m tired of.
1. Myth: sex bloggers are party animals
Fact: Many writers are introverted,
including especially sex toy review bloggers!
Writing, to me, is exhibitionism in private. It means expressing the potently human parts of myself, and editing, without having to gauge others’ real-time responses. Ample focus and alone time are necessary ingredients.
I can jack off through the crotch slot of my pajamas, write about it in silence at 3 AM, and get paid in the comfort of my own home.
What’s more, I could hypothetically do all of it without ever talking to another human face-to-face. What part of that isn’t introvert-friendly?
Fact: Introverts can still enjoy parties. But also, sex parties vary.
Sure, some sex parties do involve a stereotypical combination of the following: vaginal weightlifting, leather body harnesses, local swingers, big whips, penis tug-of-war. Introverts can attend these parties, but it’s by no means a prominent part of my social life.
Plenty of play parties are more low-key. They revolve around anime, video games, food, and optional ganja — just like any other geeky hangout night. Kink and sex are merely other options for things to do. I’ve attended such parties not to have sex, but to know ahead of time that I don’t have to censor myself or deal with people’s expectations of what I’m supposed to be.
2. Myth: sex bloggers have a lot of sex with a lot of people…
Fact: Sexual expression varies from person to person, and sex bloggers try to normalize that.
Among us, plenty:
- Have only ever been with one person
- Are demi or asexual
- Have high sex drive and low attraction
- Only ever masturbate
- Struggle to orgasm due to SSRIs
These and endless in-between shades constitute a “normal” sex blogger’s sex life— just like with anyone else’s sex life.
3. …and they’re DTF with you, right now
UM, NO. HELLO! Mutually enthusiastic consent is mandatory, and someone’s job is irrelevant to that.
I like jacking off and having sex — but not with just anybody or everybody. Most people aren’t going to be my cup of tea. My blog doesn’t change that, and neither does your boner.
I shouldn’t have to explain that sex bloggers are humans with their own:
- Degrees of comfort when talking to new people
- Boundaries regarding how they use their time
- Bad days and mental hang-ups
- Aesthetic, sexual, and romantic preferences!!
Even when I am attracted to someone, there could be any number of reasons why I don’t want to [insert physical act] with them in the moment. Maybe I:
- Just ate something with heavy onion powder
- Subsisted on beef jerky and protein bars the past day
- Super relevant in the context of butt stuff
- Took an antidepressant that day
- Feel bloated and gassy
- Don’t feel great about my tiddies
- Don’t know if the other person will follow directions well
- Am giving them time to build up my attraction
- Am just not in the mood
A prospective partner interjecting, “I just think it’s interesting that a sex blogger wants to move so slowly” or “But I know you’re into that stuff!” doesn’t change any of the above. As a human, I don’t owe anyone my time, body, or energy. My flesh chassis has its limitations.
4. Myth: sex bloggers are experts on everything to do with mind-blowing sex
Fact: What makes the best, most mind-blowing sex, is highly subjective and dependent on mood. Nobody knows everything about sex— not even sex bloggers.
I can see why others would think “sexpert” is a compliment. However, I’m uncomfortable hearing it, especially on a date. That’s because people who idealize me as a sex expert too often carry the following assumptions:
- That I’d be freaky and know how to please them (ugh!)
- That pleasing me is strenuous, and I’d criticize their performance
Thinking that way sets up unrealistic expectations for everyone involved.
Above all, remember that the human body is complex.
You wouldn’t expect a doctor to know everything about how every condition affects every individual at every moment. There are cardiologists and neurologists and ophthalmologists. Likewise, sex bloggers have different specialties within the field of sexuality, such as:
- Antidepressants’ sexual side effects
- Squishy silicone dragon dildos
- Nontraditional relationships and swinger clubs
- Healing and pleasure after sexual trauma
I may have compared a lot of sex toys and conversed with a variety of people about sex, but I can’t know everything.
Some guys like having their balls played with, and some don’t. Some women need heavy clitoral pressure, and some don’t. Some strongly prefer deep penetration and cervix stimulation, and some find it painful. What my most recent partner enjoyed, you might not enjoy.
You also wouldn’t expect a doctor (outside the ER or ICU) to decode results without asking questions. At the least, a nurse would do a routine questionnaire to get the big picture. How are you feeling? Did this thing work for you? What didn’t you like about it? And they adjust accordingly.
Amazing relationships — sexual or otherwise — are built with time.
I don’t expect the first or even second session to be earth-shattering if we haven’t had an in-depth conversation about our preferences, kinks, and limits, and why we like what we like. Beyond that, day-to-day fluctuations in desire are human. I know that.
And I’d hope that my partner would extend that understanding to me, regardless of my job!
- Cat – Devon Janse van Rensburg
- Bananas – Matthew T Rader
- Fireworks – Mike Enerio
Also, this post was sponsored. All views expressed are my own, as always.