11 VIOLENTLY PATRIOTIC America-Themed Sex & Kink Toys

I only use Facebook for three things nowa­days: event pages, Weirdly Specific Playlists, and the "Oh wow, that is VIOLENTLY American" meme tag group.

That last vibe was what I want­ed this post to evoke — it was orig­i­nal­ly a give­away, but now it's just fun to look back on the tongue-​in-​cheek absur­di­ty of aaaaal­l­l­l­l­ll the unique sex toys (and print­ing ser­vices — "MAKE ME FERAL AGAIN" hats, any­one?) avail­able to us nowadays!

Uberrime A-Spot Avenger dildo

This girthy dil­do was explic­it­ly designed for depth play. If you like being bot­tomed out with cervix mas­sage and front wall stim­u­la­tion, the Uberrime A‑Spot Avenger is for you. There's ridged piz­zaz galore with mul­ti­ple coro­nas and waves near the base.

G‑spot, A‑spot. 2" THICCness. You can have it all with the Uberrime A‑Spot Avenger. I nev­er don't want to play with a heav­i­ly tex­tured dil­do by Uberrime. And those super­hero col­or palettes? Drool. Fittingly, the one in this give­away is called The Patriot, inspired by none oth­er than Captain America.

Hole Punch Toys Evolver dildo + handcuffs

You can get a nun dil­do and a gun dil­do from Hole Punch Toys. That's pret­ty tongue-​in-​cheek American, I'd say. Hole Punch Toys doesn't take spicy toys too too seri­ous­ly (in case you couldn't tell). Their oth­er offer­ings include the Ass Cram Cone and Vagetable.

The par­tic­u­lar Evolver gun dil­do I have is a gray pearl col­or with a mar­bled "wood" grain grip. Its bar­rel insertable por­tion mea­sures 5.5" long by 1.5" wide.

Per read­er request, I also includ­ed a pair of chained double-​locking hand­cuffs donat­ed by Noir Leather. They're a local (to me) and POC veteran-​owned sex shop staffed by peo­ple who give a fuck about plea­sure and con­sumer education.

SelfDelve Corn on the Cob dildo + Sliquid Silk hybrid lube

Cue jokes about "Country girls make do," "Creamed corn," and some­thing about but­ter­ing. Choose between the "stan­dard" and "large" size Corn on the Cob dil­do from SelfDelve! I reviewed the lat­ter. It's more mas­sive, and it's squishi­er and feels deli­cious on my cervix! 

I paired this corn dil­do with a bot­tle of hybrid lube because it looks like… well. You know what it looks like. And it's per­fect for the innu­en­do of but­ter­ing your corn. Thank you to SheVibe for donat­ing the corn dil­do! Check out their badass art­work (includ­ing my super­hero trad­ing card) and unique selec­tion of sex toys. 

Hunter and Cruciform acrylic blades by Chaotic Kink

Chaotic Kink makes laser-​cut acrylic blades for safer kinky knife play. They have a vast range of blade styles, col­ors, and han­dle options for a wide range of aes­thet­ics. Cybergoth? Pastel princess? There's some­thing for you in the shop.

Currently, cus­tom orders are on pause, BUT you can still look at their port­fo­lio of past designs. They also have plen­ty of ready-​made blades, flog­gers, and whips.

These Hunter and Cruciform play blades fea­ture a reflec­tive mir­ror sur­face and resin han­dle. One is mod­eled after (duh) a hunt­ing knife, and the oth­er is a pre-​release spe­cial with lil cross­es in the neg­a­tive space. Look how cute they are!

Hackjob hatchet dildo by Funkit Toys

Continuing the hunt­ing theme, we also have a fuck­able hatch­et with a shim­mery brown han­dle and sil­ver blade. (On Halloween, there's also a ver­sion with red drips.)

Its flex­i­ble, insertable por­tion is about 7" long by 1.4" diam­e­ter, with ridges near the top. The Funkit Toys Hackjob ax dil­do can also serve as a thumpy impact toy for spanking.

Kenton from Funkit Toys' mar­ket­ing copy is fun­ny AF. What's more, he makes low-​cost sil­i­cone nofrill­dos for those who want body-​safe toys at an afford­able price. In his own words:

If you can afford a fanci­er dil­do, sup­port the cre­ation of fanci­er dil­dos. It's worth it. If not, though? I think you should be able to buy a safe, non-​toxic sex toy with­out wor­ry­ing about rent.

Golden Eagle dildo + Silc Touch Handle by Silc Arts

I've reviewed the Sparrow by Silc Arts, and the Golden Eagle dildo's plumage is just as intri­cate­ly feath­ered. This one is super squishy and mea­sures 8.6" long (7.5" insertable) and 2.1" max diam­e­ter. Its base also has some adorable flo­ral detailing.

Silc Arts also makes a detach­able han­dle for users who strug­gle with reach or aim­ing their dil­dos. That could include peo­ple with dis­abil­i­ties, short arms rel­a­tive to their tor­so, or lots of body fat to nav­i­gate dur­ing playtime.

Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner wine bottle dildo

Where there's corn, there's moon­shine. Or rather, what would have been moon­shine in the roar­ing (19)20s. In the 2020s, we have the lux­u­ry of squishy, insertable "wine bot­tle" dil­dos.

You're prob­a­bly a lit­tle curi­ous about huge dil­dos if you're fol­low­ing my blog. The Hole Punch Toys Moonshiner is strad­dles my lim­its, but you do you if you can han­dle 2.9" of diam­e­ter. I'm more impressed than any­thing else.

Blush The Realm Silver Bullet from SheVibe

Super afford­able. Pretty rumbly. Maybe big dils aren't your thing, and you want to stick to the exter­nals. Orrrrrrr per­haps you want a bul­let to make the gar­gan­tu­an Hankey's Toys Topher Michels vibrate.

The Realm's Silver Bullet can do both. And at the price, the bang-​to-​buck ratio is hard to beat.

Clitoris print apparel (DESIGNED BY ME!)

Toy? No. Spicy? Yes. Patriotic? YA! I want­ed cli­toris print dress­es to exist, so I made them hap­pen. They're inspired by pin­ups from the late 40s and ear­ly 50s with an all-​over print in lieu of pol­ka dots. AND YES, there's a ver­sion with a red and white striped skirt, because I must be extra in all regards.

The cli­toris print dress­es came in three col­or options (red and white, blue and white, and of course, RED WHITE AND BLUE). 

Thank you to all the donors who made this post possible!

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