MysteryVibe Crescendo Bluetooth Customizable Vibrator Review

Reviewing this vibra­tor brings me all the remorse of hook­ing up with an ex, and more.

In 2016, I fell for all the MysteryVibe Crescendo's dreamy promis­es. Bending into any shape I want­ed it to. 6 total­ly cus­tomiz­able motors to please any and all of my eroge­nous zones. Swanky AF pack­ag­ing that goes above and beyond.

I gave it a chance. Left dis­ap­point­ed, I trash talked about it to my friends in real life. I lit­er­al­ly trashed it. And some­times, I'd feel a ping of FOMO when see­ing oth­er review­ers' pic­tures of it, but for the most part, I for­got about it.

That was until MysteryVibe boast­ed a new­er ver­sion with stronger, qui­eter motors.

A second chance for the MysteryVibe Crescendo

I saw recent rave reviews that made me won­der whether we even tried the same damn sex toy. Maybe 2018 Crescendo was gen­uine­ly that much dif­fer­ent from 2016 Crescendo. Maybe I'd have some closure.

I did get clo­sure— in the form of, "Ahh, I remem­ber now. Thaaaat's why I got rid of this piece of shit." The Crescendo has hard­ly changed a fuck­ing bit. It's just as dis­sat­is­fy­ing and cost­ly and its mar­ket­ing as haughty as ever.

Ugh, the vibrations…

Yes, the MysteryVibe Crescendo does have 6 motors in it that you can cus­tomize… and they all suck. The 16 speeds range from "Is this thing on?" to "This swarm of wasps resents me as much as I resent them."

If I didn't have any expe­ri­ence with my cunt's reac­tion to stim­u­la­tion, I'd seri­ous­ly ques­tion whether the pal­try con­trac­tions I got from using the high­est speed on my cli­toris were even an orgasm. I'd get more sat­is­fac­tion from feel­ing a tin­gle in my nose and sud­den­ly hav­ing the urge to sneeze vanish.

And if that's the best that the high­est steady speed can do, the smart­phone app-​controlled pat­terns have no hope. Which, you know, is a huge chunk of the inno­va­tion that users pay $180 for.

"The first" unisex sex toy?

"Crescendo is the world's first tru­ly uni­sex and uni­ver­sal vibra­tor," MysteryVibe's web­site says. ?????? What exact­ly makes a vibra­tor "tru­ly" uni­sex????? You can use a Magic Wand for broad stim­u­la­tion on a penis, can't you? Or get a stro­ker attach­ment for it. Even a bul­let vibra­tor can be a sex toy for penis­es if you stick it under the fore­skin or against the frenu­lum.

Oh, you meant an adjustable, insertable vibra­tor that can also bend around the penis. Gotcha.

In that case, the Je Joue G‑Kii has been around since 2010 and costs way less than the MysteryVibe Crescendo, as of the day I post­ed this review.

Je Joue's vibra­tions are mod­er­ate­ly pow­er­ful. (Meaning they're way more pwer­ful than the Crescendo's. You real­ly only can go up from there.) They start with a rich, low purr and are among my favorites for hold­ing against my cheek dur­ing blowjobs.

UPDATE: The Je Joue G‑Kii is the most scream-​inducing G‑spot vibra­tor I have ever tried.

UPDATE: Check out my new­er post, 3 Rumbly Blowjob Vibrators For Fantastic Fellatio: Manta, Vim & Bond

In all fair­ness, the G‑Kii adjusts at one posi­tion into vary­ing U‑curves, and it "only" has two motors. But for those look­ing for an alter­na­tive to the Crescendo's gim­micks, the G‑kii is ver­sa­tile enough to be used on the under­side of a penis, inside a vagi­na, or as a dual stim­u­la­tor. Moreover, the G‑Kii's vibra­tions are bet­ter, and its build is much sturdier.

You deserve better than the MysteryVibe Crescendo

To the Crescendo's cred­it, its bend­able joints do allow it to stim­u­late my G‑spot, A‑spot, and pos­te­ri­or fornix. Sometimes. If the han­dle doesn't bend under pres­sure from thrust­ing hard. In con­trast, the G‑Kii has joints that would actu­al­ly click into place, while also pro­vid­ing way bet­ter vibration.

Because let's face it: the Crescendo might as well just not vibrate at all. If MysteryVibe released a more afford­able, non-​vibrating ver­sion as a dil­do, I'd be real­ly into that. For now, for the same price as a Crescendo, you could get a G‑Kii and a Dodil, and have way more fun with them.

The Crescendo's cus­tomiz­able pat­terns had poten­tial. I respect the hus­tle of the peo­ple who made the pro­gram­ming pos­si­ble. But ulti­mate­ly, if the motors suck and it costs $180, no amount of nov­el­ty is going to save it. I'd rather have few­er motors and min­i­mal pack­ag­ing, in exchange for bet­ter motors and a low­er price.

Until there's actu­al­ly a sub­stan­tial hard­ware update, I'm over the smoke and mir­rors. The sexy pack­ag­ing can store my paint­brush­es, but it can't get me off. I expect lux­u­ry vibra­tors to have actu­al­ly good vibra­tions that can— that's kind of the point, isn't it?

Further reading

• 3 Rumbly Blowjob Vibrators For Fantastic Fellatio: Manta, Vim & Bond

Disclosure

Hey hey! SheVibe was think­ing of stock­ing this prod­uct, so I vol­un­teered to give my opin­ion on whether they should or not. They sent the  MysteryVibe Crescendo to me in exchange for my hon­est and freely-​given review.