MysteryVibe Crescendo Bluetooth customizable vibrator review

Reviewing this vibra­tor brings me all the remorse of hook­ing up with an ex, and more.

In 2016, I fell for all the MysteryVibe Crescendo's dreamy promis­es. Bending into any shape I want­ed it to. 6 total­ly cus­tomiz­able motors to please any and all of my eroge­nous zones. Swanky AF pack­ag­ing that goes above and beyond.

I gave it a chance. Left dis­ap­point­ed, I trash talked about it to my friends in real life. I lit­er­al­ly trashed it. And some­times, I'd feel a ping of FOMO when see­ing oth­er review­ers' pic­tures of it, but for the most part, I for­got about it.

That was until MysteryVibe boast­ed a new­er ver­sion with stronger, qui­eter motors.

A second chance for the MysteryVibe Crescendo

I saw recent rave reviews that made me won­der whether we even tried the same damn sex toy. Maybe 2018 Crescendo was gen­uine­ly that much dif­fer­ent from 2016 Crescendo. Maybe I'd have some closure.

I did get clo­sure— in the form of, "Ahh, I remem­ber now. Thaaaat's why I got rid of this piece of shit." The Crescendo has hard­ly changed a fuck­ing bit. It's just as dis­sat­is­fy­ing and cost­ly and its mar­ket­ing as haughty as ever.

Ugh, the vibrations…

Yes, the MysteryVibe Crescendo does have 6 motors in it that you can cus­tomize… and they all suck. The 16 speeds range from "Is this thing on?" to "This swarm of wasps resents me as much as I resent them."

If I didn't have any expe­ri­ence with my cunt's reac­tion to stim­u­la­tion, I'd seri­ous­ly ques­tion whether the pal­try con­trac­tions I got from using the high­est speed on my cli­toris were even an orgasm. I'd get more sat­is­fac­tion from feel­ing a tin­gle in my nose and sud­den­ly hav­ing the urge to sneeze vanish.

And if that's the best that the high­est steady speed can do, the smart­phone app-​controlled pat­terns have no hope. Which, you know, is a huge chunk of the inno­va­tion that users pay $180 for.

"The first" unisex sex toy?

"Crescendo is the world's first tru­ly uni­sex and uni­ver­sal vibra­tor," MysteryVibe's web­site says. ?????? What exact­ly makes a vibra­tor "tru­ly" uni­sex????? You can use a Magic Wand for broad stim­u­la­tion on a penis, can't you? Or get a stro­ker attach­ment for it. Even a bul­let vibra­tor can be a sex toy for penis­es if you stick it under the fore­skin or against the frenu­lum.

Oh, you meant an adjustable, insertable vibra­tor that can also bend around the penis. Gotcha.

In that case, the Je Joue G‑Kii has been around since 2010 and costs $60 less than the MysteryVibe Crescendo, as of the day I post­ed this review.

Je Joue's vibra­tions are mod­er­ate­ly pow­er­ful. (Meaning they're way more pwer­ful than the Crescendo's. You real­ly only can go up from there.) They start with a rich, low purr and are  my favorite for hold­ing against my cheek dur­ing blow jobs.

In all fair­ness, the G‑Kii adjusts at one posi­tion into vary­ing U‑curves, and it "only" has two motors. But for those look­ing for an alter­na­tive to the Crescendo's gim­micks, the G‑kii is ver­sa­tile enough to be used on the under­side of a penis, inside a vagi­na, or as a dual stim­u­la­tor. Moreover, the G‑Kii's vibra­tions are bet­ter, and its build is much sturdier.

You deserve better than the MysteryVibe Crescendo

To the Crescendo's cred­it, its bend­able joints do allow it to stim­u­late my G‑spot, A‑spot, and pos­te­ri­or fornix. Sometimes. If the han­dle doesn't bend under pres­sure from thrust­ing hard.

In con­trast, the G‑Kii has joints that would actu­al­ly click into place, while also pro­vid­ing way bet­ter vibra­tion. And, if I real­ly want to hit two inter­nal zones at the same time, the Dodil's pos­able core would also hold up to firm stim­u­la­tion. It doesn't vibrate, but it's a com­pa­ra­bly cus­tomiz­able dil­do that costs $120 less.

Because let's face it: the Crescendo might as well just not vibrate at all. If MysteryVibe released a more afford­able, non-​vibrating ver­sion as a dil­do, I'd be real­ly into that. For now, for the same price as a Crescendo, you could get a G‑Kii and a Dodil, and have way more fun with them.

The Crescendo's cus­tomiz­able pat­terns had poten­tial. I respect the hus­tle of the peo­ple who made the pro­gram­ming pos­si­ble. But ulti­mate­ly, if the motors suck and it costs $180, no amount of nov­el­ty is going to save it. I'd rather have few­er motors and min­i­mal pack­ag­ing, in exchange for bet­ter motors and a low­er price.

Until there's actu­al­ly a sub­stan­tial hard­ware update, I'm over the smoke and mir­rors. The sexy pack­ag­ing can store my paint­brush­es, but it can't get me off. I expect lux­u­ry vibra­tors to have actu­al­ly good vibra­tions that can— that's kind of the point, isn't it?

Disclosure

Hey hey! SheVibe was think­ing of stock­ing this prod­uct, so I vol­un­teered to give my opin­ion on whether they should or not. They sent the  MysteryVibe Crescendo to me in exchange for my hon­est and freely-​given review.