3 Emotional Needs of Sext Chat & Femdom Enthusiasts

"I work with men's men­tal health" is how I'd euphem­ize my work as a pro-Domme.

And it's the truth.

When a client is com­pelled to spend thou­sands of dol­lars a month to talk to me, it's not (just) because he wants to nut to fan­tasies of my bum smoth­er­ing his face.

Not when he could eas­i­ly find pic­tures of sexy women on the internet.

It's because I held space to:

• Witness and val­i­date clients in their sex­u­al pro­cliv­i­ties — ones they might be too ashamed to share otherwise
• Talk about their for­ma­tive expe­ri­ences lead­ing up to their masochism and desire for degradation.
• Chill and chat when they're lone­ly and need appre­ci­a­tion or perspective.

My pre­vi­ous post about female dom­i­na­tion prin­ci­ples answered the ques­tion: how do Dommes lever­age men's emo­tion­al needs in a pow­er exchange?

This post has some over­lap but is more of a behind-​the-​scenes look at how these needs can show up in less bla­tant­ly sex­u­al ways — and how sex-​adjacent chats can be therapeutic.

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Compassionately Witnessing the Roots of Male Submission

There were a lot of things I had nev­er ver­bal­ized until speak­ing to you … You gave me a lot of hard truths about myself towards the end that I've worked hard to internalize.

—a past goon­ing and humil­i­a­tion Femdom client

So much of pro-​Domming is about men­tal health, shame, and man­ag­ing dif­fi­cult feel­ings when men aren't often taught func­tion­al ways to han­dle them.

When anger and horny are the pri­ma­ry sanc­tioned emo­tions for men, it's not hard to see how jack­ing off becomes the default destress­ing activ­i­ty. Then, that habit can asso­ciate the stress­ful mem­o­ry with arousal over time.

My favorite kind of chat is when the client ini­tial­ly wants to be degrad­ed, but I pause to ask ques­tions that could be summed up as fol­lows: "Who hurt you? … How did that make you feel?"

• Sometimes, it's an ex-​girlfriend who cheat­ed and was par­tic­u­lar­ly cruel
• Sometimes, it's about his bound­ary issues and whether he can stand up for himself
• Sometimes, it's how he feels about his body

He feels pow­er­less for what­ev­er rea­son and talks about it.

Then he real­izes he doesn't want to jack off at the moment any­more — he wants to destress, feel good, and be seen.

Most impor­tant­ly, com­pas­sion gives him a tem­plate that makes it eas­i­er for him to feel deserv­ing of connection.

As one Instagram com­menter put it:

Sex work­ers are often the soci­etal recep­ta­cles for desires and feel­ings that oth­ers don't want to see — a form of heal­ing that is simul­ta­ne­ous­ly demo­nized by the very soci­ety that makes it nec­es­sary by stig­ma­tiz­ing those same desires, lifestyles, etc.

—@bruja_​diosa on Instagram

That's not to say that kink always stems from trau­ma — but that, even in the cas­es where it does, I give the client the choice to:

• Avoid the dif­fi­cult feel­ing by jack­ing off
• Work through it and talk about it directly

Sometimes, Clients of Femdoms Just Want to Be Seen

Fantasies can get quite spe­cif­ic or lay­ered — a few I've per­son­al­ly encoun­tered included:

• A stur­dy, 9‑foot-​tall giant­ess engulf­ing much of a penis with her ample labia and huge hips.
• Telling a man what to wear to the gay club or slut­ty date — and how delec­table he would look to the other(s) while wear­ing a sequin skirt, glim­mer­ing gold lip gloss, and penis-​locking cage
• His dream about watch­ing me get railed by big, beefy mil­i­tary guys — then pil­ing onto his embar­rass­ment about how turned on he is by that.
• Him show­ing off his frilly lin­gerie, dress­es, and his sis­sy devices — often want­i­ng affir­ma­tion about what a good gal pal he is
• A box­ing or MMA match where­in the ten­sion ris­es, and I knock him out at the end

I've out­lined some types of male sub­mis­sives in a past post.

And these guys are not nec­es­sar­i­ly try­ing to bust a nut the entire time they chat with me. Their mes­sag­ing or call­ing habits may include the following:

• Casually talk­ing for an hour about the kink, then tak­ing just 16 min­utes to touch him­self and cum
• Edging for hours, with or with­out cum­ming — depend­ing on my instructions
• Cycles of bing­ing and restrict­ing — or oth­er­wise dis­tanc­ing by means of account deac­ti­va­tion or blocking

Sometimes, they just want to share some­thing and feel hyped up, val­i­dat­ed, or under­stood when some­thing is too vul­ner­a­ble to talk about to just any­one. Then they dip. Then they come back for more.

Sometimes, They Want to Chill Chat With (and Learn From) Someone Open & Honest

Sometimes, sex chat clients want to:

• Have a sound­ing board or some­one to con­fess and vent to
• Hear my per­son­al sto­ries, which may be sexy and expand their perspectives
• Get sex toy rec­om­men­da­tions and tips for using them
• Learn to be a bet­ter lover — both to them­selves and for others

Since I review big dil­dos galore, my pro­files tend to attract men who want to jack off to the (role­played) reminder that they'll nev­er mea­sure up. That's the bulk of my clientele.

However, plen­ty of ser­vice tops — sub­mis­sives who are more active and eager to please — will ask ques­tions and ban­ter with me. They both appre­ci­ate and feel appre­ci­at­ed by my hon­est takes:

• Big and beefy bod­ies aren't my "type" — while I appre­ci­ate them, I, above all else, tend to like nerdy guys who love explo­ration. (Only through grit­ted teeth could I fol­low a for­mu­la and pre­tend that my "type" in high school was foot­ball players.)
• That big­ger isn't nec­es­sar­i­ly bet­ter when it comes to cock size. The aver­age penis length is what it is for a rea­son — and will com­ple­ment the aver­age vagi­nal length.
• Even if some­one loves length and deep pen­e­tra­tion, it's okay — even encour­aged — to use toys.
• Erotic ener­gy is about a gazil­lion oth­er things besides whether she came on "the real thing"
• Enthusiasm and open­ness to learn­ing your partner's unique pref­er­ences are bet­ter pre­dic­tors of sex­u­al sat­is­fac­tion than prac­ti­cal­ly any phys­i­cal trait.

Closing Thoughts

It's not easy, but work­ing in men's men­tal health has been worth it.

Sexting isn't just about the sexy stuff, espe­cial­ly when you're chat­ting with a pro-​Domme. It turns out that these chats can be ther­a­peu­tic, giv­ing men a safer space to:

• Sort through com­plex feelings.
• Explore their sexuality
• Talk about their unique kinks and past experiences.
• Feel seen and under­stood, no mat­ter how "weird­ly" spe­cif­ic their fan­tasies are
• Get a fresh per­spec­tive on how to be a bet­ter lover.

Sometimes, they want to be bathed in atten­tion and feel affirmed. And some­times, they want to have a straight-​up, hon­est chat with some­one who's seen it all.

It's more than just about the sexy stuff — sex work, includ­ing pro-​Domination, is ulti­mate­ly about deep human con­nec­tion, under­stand­ing, and growth.

Further Reading

• Gooner Humiliation Kink Affirmations for Jack-​Off Addicts
• Domina Decoded: 5 Femdom Principles for Male Obedience
• Breaking Chains: Defining BDSM & Reimagining Roles
• 7 Steamy Skills For Soft Dominant Dirty Talk
• 3 Types of Submissives Who LOVE Cock Cages!

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This post was spon­sored. Opinions expressed here are broad brush­es based on my own expe­ri­ences; these com­pos­ite char­ac­ters can­not pos­si­bly sum up the total­i­ty of kink! I encour­age you to prac­tice dis­cern­ment — some­times these sto­ries apply, and some­times, they don't.