Carnal Confessions from the Kinky Congregation

I am Superior Trask, head of penance, here to disclose the sins of the congregation.

Punishment and spiritual cleansing shall be conducted amid your sinful souls; the rosary will also be prayed for your broken, kinky minds.

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CONFESSIONS: my readers’ spicy sensual sins

My masturbation practice, Your Eminence.

The oddly specific

One fucked the gear shift of a 1985 Toyota 4Runner, “and it was surprisingly good.” I hope they used a condom, both for the sake of hand hygiene and possibly vaginal hygiene.

Another replied, “Getting fucked with a large rolling pin onstage at Burning Man in front of a few hundred weirdos.” I don’t know if the context of it being at Burning Man makes it more wild or less wild.

And oddly enough, a response of “having a wedgie fetish” didn’t surprise me, which probably tells you something about the stuff I’ve seen. (Hint: one dude started jacking off to relieve stress from his traumatic high school bullying experiences — thereby solidifying the neural connection between wedgies, being beaten up, and arousal.)

Another reply’s risky business included spicy video chatting in a church parking lot and almost getting caught by a steward, resulting in “by far the most exhilarating” orgasm they’d ever had with their partner, “given and the breathlessness from both” of them.

The spicy and scandalous

Finally, perhaps the most scalding-hot tea came from a Domme who finalized her pet play pup’s breakup with his girlfriend of 4 years. In her words:

“He… found that he wanted to commit to his service on a more full-time basis, so I strongly encouraged the breakup. She has no idea why their relationship ended. I met him the morning after for a short cruel session and to make him sign a contract which makes him mine completely for the next 12 months.”

Actual homewrecking and consent contracts are past my personal limits, but as taboo fantasies, they’re more common than you might think in the kink world.

The best of the rest

Other contributors confessed to kinks that included knife play (I love Chaotic Kink for acrylic knife play blades), boss hookup roleplay with a stranger, watersports, anal play, consensual nonconsent (rape play), and group sex with multiple horror movie/show characters.

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CONFECTIONS for my cunt: cute spooky dildos!

Regarding spooky characters, who didn’t drool over Jamie Campbell Bowers as Vecna in Stranger Things? In the words of Twitter user @ciwywisteria

tbh i understand vecna’s motivations cause if i went from looking like a hot piece of ass to THAT… i would be mad too

Alas, Uberrime changed his mind about making a textured Vecna dildo — in favor of the equally-rugged, glow-in-the-dark Toxxxic Avenger and the Calaveras dildo with skulls for balls.

Here are a few other fantasy toys that might fit someone’s fetish for fear.

The Uberrime Night King is one of my all-time favorite dildos for deep penetration.

La Boutique Voila makes a cutesy alien vibrator that, sure, is meant for external use, but if its 2.1″ diameter head fits, I sits (on it).

Glutton for Punishment Crafts makes a sturdy acrylic meat cleaver paddle, and Velvet Alley Designs makes a meat cleaver cock ring (complete with blood drips in your color of choice).

Practically all of Velvet Alley’s shop is spooky-themed!

• Their “knife stabbing an anatomical heart” dildo is a customizable and creative beauty.
• They have silicone skeleton finger extenders and unicorn skulls
• Clitoral grinders galore are featured, like brains and (duh) anatomical hearts of many sizes
• I’ll also begrudgingly admit that their Pennywise hand and arm dildo feels surprisingly and sensationally good, even if it’s a bit too creepy for me.

And, of course, my sacrilege would not be complete without the Mother Interior nun dildo from Hole Punch Toys.

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CONFESSIONS: post-nut clarity — the good and the down bad

I asked my readers what gave them post-nut clarity, which they generally interpreted in one of two ways:

1. What kinks and fantasies they felt mildly ashamed of
2. What made the “What am I doing?!” sirens go off

There’s room for both here, starting with how down bad some of you could get.

The down bad

The last “horrible realization” someone had was that “the car sex definitely wasn’t worth the shin bruises OR the pharmacy visit.” Their “bar has been LOW for men in the past,” they prefaced. It’s okay — you live and learn.

Personally, I quite like car sex because the enclosure means I have surfaces galore to push up against and leverage deeper penetration. If car sex is a must for you, consider keeping some cushy blankets and pillows in the back. Your shins will thank you.

“If using toys doesn’t help, it’s not good enough to go back to,” read another response. I agree.

Another reader deeply related to Lana Del Rey singing, “You fucked me so good; I almost said ‘I love you” — except this person did say it in a “situationship after a major heartbreak.”

Needless to say, it’s not all fun. One respondent’s boyfriend said that God didn’t want them to have sex anymore after the hardest orgasm of their life. Another contemplated, “Maybe I’m actually really unhappy with my sex life with my partner.”

The good-ish

A few also admitted that masturbation was to quell not the horny but rather loneliness and anxiety.

That’s super common among men especially — when feelings are tough to talk about, sex and masturbation make a convenient catch-all stand-in for:

• Stress relief and blowing off steam
• Craving cuddles and being held
• Connection with a partner
• Fantasies of alternate lives
• Feeling desirable in some way

These readers find themselves more productive afterward, so they’ll take whatever dopamine they can get.

The kinky

Finally, some taboo fantasy fodder that prompted uncomfortable self-reflection included swinger porn, hotwife subreddits, and the splash of hot jizz against the back of one’s mouth.

Whether they relished the sensation or found it disgusting is unclear — but I’d argue that the key to giving a great blowjob is to enjoy it enthusiastically.

Great-tasting flavored lube can undoubtedly help.

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CONFECTIONS: iconic candy-flavored lube for fall fun!

Autumn is so much more than pumpkin spice

In the spirit of Halloween, I asked my followers which sweet treats would be the most tasty as lube flavors.

What piqued your palate?

Peach rings were the most popular reply! Simple fruity flavors, such as a peach’s tartness, pair well with the high-intensity sweeteners common in flavored lube.

Exsens also makes a peachy nipple arousal cream, and Earthly Body’s vegan massage candles add another layer to wax play.

Close confectionery contenders included piña colada-like coconut — an aromatic mainstay of Bijoux Indiscrets’ Slow Sex intimate body care line — and salted caramel. My top coconut-flavored picks from the Slow Sex line include:

• Full body massage gel – delicious, drool-worthy, and generally safe for vaginal use
• Clitoral balm – slightly warming for a slow build-up — nothing too wild (thank goodness!) and definitely effective for me
• Oral sex balm – made from plant-based oils and butters with coconut flavor and a slight cooling effect. I love the thick, sturdy consistency and how it glides between my lips and the head of a penis.

And since it’s spooky season, why not pair caramel-flavored lube with candy apple? Sliquid Swirl’s green apple flavor is delectable for licking off someone. Combine it with Wicked Sensual Care’s caramel or cinnamon bun lube for forbidden fruit with a fall twist.

Honorable mentions for lube include

Cherry vanilla is another classic and fantastic Sliquid Swirl flavor. It’s seriously one of the best lube flavors you can get — nothing blatantly fake, it could pass as light candy, and it’s juuuuust sweet enough.

Mint is one of the less in-your-face flavors, often giving a slight tingling sensation. My top picks include:

• Morgasm’s vanilla mint-flavored CBD lube
• Exsens’ Mint Mojito warming lube, if you don’t mind getting festively fruity
• And I don’t have to explain why Flintts Mouthwatering Mints, would be useful, yeah?

System JO also offers a cotton candy lube — I wouldn’t pick this one from a lineup, but you do you, boo!

Notes about lube ingredients

As far as vaginal microbiome friendliness goes, the Sensuva and Sliquid lineups are your safest bets, as is the Slow Sex massage gel formula I linked. Morgasm works fine for me, but I’d suggest patch testing first. Exsens, System JO, and Wicked flavored lubes are best used externally.

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CLOSING THOUGHTS: have you been good?

There was a 50/50 split between “yes” and “no” when survey respondents were asked, “Have you been good this year?”

What do you think? Do kinky fuckers like you deserve absolution?