Domina Decoded: 5 Femdom Principles for Male Obedience
Master female dominance and male submission, rule over him, and have him eating out of your hand.
Men's myriad motivations for sex go beyond the physical release — even with the slightest graze under the psyche's surface. Just a few reasons men might dominate or submit include, respectively:
- To feel important — or to feel self-worth in servitude.
- To feel powerful — or to reclaim agency in the choice to relinquish control.
- To get nurturing or soothing — or to know that the “unacceptable” parts are seen and accepted.
“[Importance, power, nurturing, and soothing] would more accurately define the expensive roleplay [sex workers] engage in,” wrote licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Brandy Engler in her book, The Men on My Couch.
While the book more often discusses dominant men, I have more experience with submissives — and their corollaries aren't that different regarding the desires expressed.
These bite-sized Femdom principles are just a swift synopsis of submission — and how a man's need for love might show up in the bedroom. Learn from it, live with it, and maybe make some money off of it if that's your kink.
- I. Submissive men want to prove their worth through action
- II. What makes a man feel like a man is context-specific
- III. Positive reinforcement for tangible tasks feels like gaining XP
- IV. Sometimes, insecurities are rerouted as kinks and turn-ons
- V. Domination isn't “just” about sex; it's about time and attention
Submissive men want to prove their worth through action
You've likely seen beautiful women set up wish lists to receive gifts from men online. While there may be selfish strings sometimes (such as sensual snapshots with lingerie), many of these men get off on simply knowing that they contributed to a woman's happiness in some tangible way:
- A beta simp orbiter buying condoms for her to use with her partners
- Financial domination where draining his bank account builds up her wealth
- Buying dildos for her and earning the privilege of skimming the saucy secretions left behind when she uses them
What these men are seeking isn't solely sexual gratification but also appreciation.
Moreover, it's human to crave a sense of significance and value in others’ eyes — including in more traditionally macho contexts like braving danger to be a badass hero and protector.
Once you understand that a submissive man's service is a way of deriving self-worth, everything else about female domination falls into place: “As long as you're serving me, you are redeemable, you have worth, and you have purpose.”
What makes a man feel like a man is context-specific
There are many ways for a man to serve. Ever hear the saying, "If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy”?
Handiness and technical skills are prime examples of how a man can step up — regardless of whether he has the stereotypical romance novel cover body — and feel like a man while doing it. If he can't be handsome, he can be handy. And if he can't be handy, he can be helpful and valuable in some other way. Providing financially can also fit the bill (no pun intended).
As I've said before, submission isn't inherently feminine.
“It isn't even about getting sexually turned on by serving,” added one of my subby guy friends. “I just want to know I'm appreciated as a person” — one who is wanted and needed.
Positive reinforcement for tangible tasks feels like gaining XP
Male submissives get a ping of dopamine every time you express genuine gratitude — and they want to be given opportunities to:
- Make you happier
- Hear “good boy” (or some other affirmation of how well they're doing)
- Get a treat (possibly in the form of eating you out)
…and so on.
Ramp up the rewards so they get the see-sawing spikes of dopamine with each tribute they give. It can feel like gaining experience points in a video game, particularly when “missions” and objectives are clearly laid out. Think of:
- “SMART” goals — specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-specific
- Sticker sheets if you're going for a soft Mommy Domme/little submissive feel
- Bank statements clearly showing how much you've drained them and bask in luxury
From there, positive reinforcement can form an association between doing something for you and being celebrated. Being thanked for a job well done feels fucking good to a submissive.
Note: I'm not condoning putting more and more into a friendship with the unspoken expectation of evolving into a different type of relationship. Healthy give-and-take — kinky or otherwise — works best when intentions are clear.
That said, friend-zoning could be turned into a tease-and-denial kink — maybe even with cock cages.
Sometimes, insecurities are rerouted as kinks and turn-ons
I've seen wires get crossed time and again. A man's insecurity, fear, or shame can somehow be among the things he jacks off to most:
- Perceived inadequacy compared to a partner's realistic dildo with massive measurements
- Freudian financial submission stemming from worries that he'll never measure up to how responsibly powerful his mother is
- A partner getting way more sexual attention than him (and conceivably seeing other guys)
But why is that so hot to the men who touch themselves to these hang-ups?
It's partly a coping mechanism when cultural conditioning portrays those emotions as weak but anger and lust as acceptable. Eroticizing intense emotion can be a way to reclaim and replay the experience on one's own terms to gain control over the situation. Just as anger could be hurt trying to be strong, so can sexual energy.
When a difficult feeling comes up, having a good wank can be a good distraction — until someone has done it so much that they associate that emotion with sexual arousal and gratification. With repetition, it becomes a habit wired into their neural networks.
Feel it to heal it or have some fun with their humiliation kink. Better yet, why not both? Vulnerability and being seen are two sides of the same coin.
Domination isn't “just” about sex; it's about time and attention
For someone to spend her precious time and energy on him is a reward.
Even a degrading comment could be interpreted as approval, especially if he has eroticized shame about his masculinity (or perceived lack thereof). To a submissive who gets off on degradation, it can be a sign that:
- She cares enough about how he feels to engage and have something to say to him
- He gets to occupy some of her mental and emotional bandwidth
- Something about his worldview — even when it's a limiting belief, like “What if my body is inadequate because of my penis?” — is being validated in some way, and feeling like he's “right” can be satisfying. (Note: I don't believe that about penis size, even though many men worry about it.)
And even when he gets off on her play rejection, pity, and disengagement with him? It can sometimes be even more effective with intermittent reinforcement, in that he should be grateful for any little crumb from her.
If you want to (not-so-playfully) punish a submissive for displeasing, you could say, “There is nothing you can do to make this better,” and don't give attention beyond that.
Your time and attention are currencies of approval and importance. Act accordingly if you're going to dominate.
Closing thoughts on female domination and male submission
As always, there are so many layers to dominance and submission:
- Taboos and edges of ethics
- Perceptions of power
- Parental influence (Thanks, Freud!)
- Gender euphoria (or dysphoria)
- Cultural (and subcultural) context
And I can't cover all that in one blog post; that's why these are bite-sized female domination principles.
The undercurrent, though, is that people want to feel like they matter — and submission is just one way to satisfy that craving for significance. On the surface, it can look like dominating someone means using them, but it goes deeper than that:
- People want to make others ecstatically happy — and service can be exchanged for appreciation.
- Submission means being told your purpose, at least for the moment.
- There are many ways for someone to serve and many reasons they might get off on it.
- Positive reinforcement gives a “ping” of accomplishment — releasing dopamine, the molecules of “yes, more, please!”
- The attention of a dominant party is an affirmation that you are worth something precious to them.
While the scenarios and stereotypes roleplayed can be gendered, the general motivation is the same. Remember: “As long as you're serving me, you are redeemable, you have worth, and you have purpose.”
Further reading:
This post was sponsored. The writing, opinions, and observations made here are mine — but what I know of the wonderful world of BDSM is just a drop in the bucket. There are so many ways to be dominant, but you'll likely see these principles again and again, in varying forms! Have fun sampling the sexual psyche out there!
PLEASURE PRINCESS. COMPACT, HIGH-CAPACITY HUMAN. CERVIX SORCERESS.
I've tested over 350 sex toys and love diving deep for cervical orgasms, A‑spot stimulation, and kinky odysseys into the subconscious.
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