Review: Je Joue Uma

On paper, the Je Joue Uma looks like everything I’m looking for. In practice, it initially confused me into questioning what I really like. My overall sentiment about this toy is “It takes getting used to.”

Yes, I’d replace it if it ever broke. Yes, the vibrations make it vastly more enjoyable rather than being just a bonus. Yes, it’s amazeballs internally. But I wouldn’t recommend it as a first sex toy at all– more like a third or fourth after you’ve already played with other G-spot toys and vibrators, and know what your G-spot and clit like.

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The Je Joue Uma has many of the hallmarks of a versatile toy. It has a bulging, gentle curve that can hit my internal erogenous zones but won’t snag on my pubic bone. At 1 3/8″, it’s filling but comfortable for everyday use. It has range and rumble: 6 speeds and 6 patterns, including that elusive low frequency purr.

If the We-Vibe Tango‘s “jump” when set against a hard surface is comparable to the sound of firecrackers, the Je Joue Uma’s jumping sound reminds me of the thrum of a sewing machine. It’s not as powerful, but the amplitude is definitely there.

But the vibrations frustrated and confused me at first.

Uma is rumbly and low, but for clitoral use the first few times, it took me longer to orgasm and less intensely so than with my other, comparatively surface-level rechargeable vibes. There were even a couple of outlier sessions where I laid there clenching my entire lower body, trying to squeeze an orgasm out, but it just wasn’t happening. Turned the speed up, up… oh. That was it. A feebly fleeting orgasm.

I nevertheless kept using it because apart from those two sessions, 1.) I genuinely enjoyed the gentle build-up, and 2.) sure, it took comparatively much longer, but taking a few minutes instead of seconds to orgasm is hardly anything to whine about.

Over time, the time discrepancy diminished and my body became acclimated to the Je Joue Uma’s vibrations. The orgasms got better and don’t take as long anymore, but are still different: they’re longer but not nearly as overwhelmingly intensely peaked as with my Simon.

 

Still, it was just so bizarrely befuddling to me, a supposed clitoral lightweight, that a rumblier vibe would take me longer. That is, until I read Emmeline Peaches’ reviews of Je Joue’s Uma and Mimi.

In her review of the Je Joue Uma, Emmeline wrote:

They have the same flittering, pulsating rhythm to them which I’ve never felt outside of the Je Joue line. These vibrations seem to combine deep, rolling pulsations (which have a rumbly feel to them) with gentler, rapid-fire quivers (which have a bit more buzz to them),

And in her Je Joue Mimi review, she elaborated:

Because these vibrations are so different to what I’m used to it can take longer to orgasm with the Mimi Soft but I definitely enjoy the journey. It’s like my clit is getting pampered and teased by the quivering chorus of the Mimi Soft’s vibrations.

This pretty much echoes what I thought at first. So there you have it: Je Joue a signature of vibration that might not resonate with everyone. Worst case, it will poorly resonate with your clit. Best case, your clit might actually like the uniqueness. I was somewhere in between, where I came to like it over time.

However, the throbbing pulselike quality of the vibrations is what make this toy shine internal use. The low speed and high rumble are, of course, great on steady settings, but when combined with the patterns, it further exaggerates the throbbing sensation.

Dildos are my favorite kind of sex toy, so of course shape is generally paramount to me in an insertable vibe and vibrations secondary. This doesn’t apply to the Je Joue Uma. In the time it took to hold down the “on”/+ button, I went from “Fuck, I just wasted $80 when I could’ve bought a really nice dildo” to “HOLY SHIT.” Vibrations, something I used to think were pleasant but not necessary, actually make this toy and they’re worth every penny here.

Where the shape makes it harder to aim at my G-spot, the vibrations’ amplitude makes up for the lack of precision. The vibrations are fabulous, but the shape is frustrating.

To find my G-spot with the Uma, I have to pull and let the hump drag on the way out; it’s more of a stationary inching toy than a thrusting one. Still, I couldn’t help but think, “big whoop” when I realized a way to make it work for me. It was still counterintuitive, took more effort, and demanded that I undo what I thought I knew about using G-spot toys.

It’s fine for my anterior fornix, but I’m used to G-spot toys with voluptuously rounded and girthy bulbous heads that lock into place behind my pubic bone and immediately press into the right spot. On the other end of the spectrum, gently curved G-spot toys without girth changes are also easy to thrust.

The bulging head is an awkward in-between where its petite girth takes more effort to aim. After the bulge’s max girth, the neck slopes and tapers to a very narrow 3/4 of an inch. As such, my vagina has a tendency to “suck” in the toy so that the shallowest, tightest section of my vagina can wrap around the narrowest portion of the neck. The girthiest part then rests way deeper in my vagina than where my G-spot is.

For comparison, with the Laid D1, the relatively uniform girth lends itself better to thrusting, while the comparatively squared head puts more pressure closer to my pubic bone. If I try to tilt the Uma back and thrust, the pressure gets aimed too far past my pubic bone to really do anything pleasurable.

One last gripe I have about the Je Joue Uma is how rigid and hard to press the buttons are. It’s not a problem if you’re able-bodied, don’t use lube, and can take a mental note about how to press the buttons. If you have, say, carpal tunnel or arthritis, or your hand is slick, it could definitely get in the way.

I see people recommending this toy as a versatile vibe and being great for beginners, and I completely disagree. For something this expensive, there shouldn’t be as many caveats as there are. For someone who’s already BFFs with their G-spot, has tried out other vibes, and wants something unique to invest in, though? This is great.

And as bizarre as it sounds, I didn’t really understand until trying the Je Joue Uma how vibration quality can make an insertable vibrator. It was always some other feature or combination of features that made me fall in love and I didn’t see the sense in paying extra for a luxury motor. You got me, Je Joue. I am a convert.

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