4 Common Misconceptions About Sex-Positive Bloggers

When I reveal that I'm a sex toy review­er, I some­times hear vari­a­tions of "Really?! But you're so quiet/wholesome/[insert anoth­er syn­onym for demure]!"

On a bad day, I might clap back, "I'm sor­ry— I didn't real­ize that intro­ver­sion meant not hav­ing a cli­toris, nor car­ing about extend­ed orgasms."

Here's the thing: writing about sex is like writing about love, life, and happiness.

There is no uni­form type of per­son who grav­i­tates towards or phi­los­o­phizes about sex­u­al­i­ty. And among sex blog­gers, the job is just one aspect of a person's life, rather than every­thing they are. I wish more peo­ple under­stood that.

Here are just a few of the assump­tions about sex blog­gers that I'm tired of.

1. Myth: sex bloggers are party animals

Fact: Many writers are introverted, including especially sex toy review bloggers!

Writing, to me, is exhi­bi­tion­ism in pri­vate. It means express­ing the potent­ly human parts of myself, and edit­ing, with­out hav­ing to gauge oth­ers' real-​time respons­es. Ample focus and alone time are nec­es­sary ingredients.

I can jack off through the crotch slot of my paja­mas, write about it in silence at 3 AM, and get paid in the com­fort of my own home.

What's more, I could hypo­thet­i­cal­ly do all of it with­out ever talk­ing to anoth­er human face-​to-​face. What part of that isn't introvert-​friendly?

Fact: Introverts can still enjoy parties. But also, sex parties vary.

Sure, some sex par­ties do involve a stereo­typ­i­cal com­bi­na­tion of the fol­low­ing: vagi­nal weightlift­ing, leather body har­ness­es, local swingers, big whips, penis tug-​of-​war. Introverts can attend these par­ties, but it's by no means a promi­nent part of my social life.

Plenty of play par­ties are more low-​key. They revolve around ani­me, video games, food, and option­al gan­ja — just like any oth­er geeky hang­out night. Kink and sex are mere­ly oth­er options for things to do. I've attend­ed such par­ties not to have sex, but to know ahead of time that I don't have to cen­sor myself or deal with people's expec­ta­tions of what I'm sup­posed to be.

2. Myth: sex bloggers have a lot of sex with a lot of people...

Fact: Sexual expression varies from person to person, and sex bloggers try to normalize that.

Sure, some have slept with over 100 peo­ple and sought out swinger cou­ples for three-​ways, but that's not me. Nor is it the major­i­ty of sex bloggers.

Among us, plenty:

• Have only ever been with one person
• Are demi or asexual
• Have high sex dri­ve and low attraction
• Only ever masturbate
• Struggle to orgasm due to SSRIs

These and end­less in-​between shades con­sti­tute a "nor­mal" sex blogger's sex life— just like with any­one else's sex life.

3. ...and they're DTF with you, right now

UM, NO. HELLO! Mutually enthusiastic consent is mandatory, and someone's job is irrelevant to that.

I like jack­ing off and hav­ing sex — but not with just any­body or every­body. Most peo­ple aren't going to be my cup of tea. My blog doesn't change that, and nei­ther does your boner.

I shouldn't have to explain that sex bloggers are humans with their own:

• Degrees of com­fort when talk­ing to new people
• Boundaries regard­ing how they use their time
• Bad days and men­tal hang-ups
• Aesthetic, sex­u­al, and roman­tic preferences!!

Even when I am attract­ed to some­one, there could be any num­ber of rea­sons why I don't want to [insert phys­i­cal act] with them in the moment. Maybe I:

• Just ate some­thing with heavy onion powder
• Subsisted on beef jerky and pro­tein bars the past day 
  • Super rel­e­vant in the con­text of butt stuff
• Took an anti­de­pres­sant that day
• Feel bloat­ed and gassy
• Don't feel great about my tiddies
• Don't know if the oth­er per­son will fol­low direc­tions well
• Am giv­ing them time to build up my attraction
• Am just not in the mood

A prospec­tive part­ner inter­ject­ing, "I just think it's inter­est­ing that a sex blog­ger wants to move so slow­ly" or "But I know you're into that stuff!" doesn't change any of the above. As a human, I don't owe any­one my time, body, or ener­gy. My flesh chas­sis has its limitations.

4. Myth: sex bloggers are experts on everything to do with mind-blowing sex

Fact: What makes the best, most mind-​blowing sex, is highly subjective and dependent on mood. Nobody knows everything about sex— not even sex bloggers.

I can see why oth­ers would think "sex­pert" is a com­pli­ment. However, I'm uncom­fort­able hear­ing it, espe­cial­ly on a date. That's because peo­ple who ide­al­ize me as a sex expert too often car­ry the fol­low­ing assumptions:

1. That I'd be freaky and know how to please them (ugh!)
2. That pleas­ing me is stren­u­ous, and I'd crit­i­cize their performance

Thinking that way sets up unre­al­is­tic expec­ta­tions for every­one involved.

Above all, remember that the human body is complex.

You wouldn't expect a doc­tor to know every­thing about how every con­di­tion affects every indi­vid­ual at every moment. There are car­di­ol­o­gists and neu­rol­o­gists and oph­thal­mol­o­gists. Likewise, sex blog­gers have dif­fer­ent spe­cial­ties with­in the field of sex­u­al­i­ty, such as:

• Antidepressants' sex­u­al side effects
• Squishy sil­i­cone drag­on dildos
• Nontraditional rela­tion­ships and swinger clubs
• Healing and plea­sure after sex­u­al trauma

I may have compared a lot of sex toys and conversed with a variety of people about sex, but I can't know everything.

Sure, there are gen­er­al tips for bet­ter sex and stronger orgasms. However, what makes the best sex varies for each indi­vid­ual and is subjective.

Some guys like hav­ing their balls played with, and some don't. Some women need heavy cli­toral pres­sure, and some don't. Some strong­ly pre­fer deep pen­e­tra­tion and cervix stim­u­la­tion, and some find it painful. What my most recent part­ner enjoyed, you might not enjoy.

You also wouldn't expect a doc­tor (out­side the ER or ICU) to decode results with­out ask­ing ques­tions. At the least, a nurse would do a rou­tine ques­tion­naire to get the big pic­ture. How are you feel­ing? Did this thing work for you? What didn't you like about it? And they adjust accordingly.

Amazing relationships — sexual or otherwise — are built with time.

I don't expect the first or even sec­ond ses­sion to be earth-​shattering if we haven't had an in-​depth con­ver­sa­tion about our pref­er­ences, kinks, and lim­its, and why we like what we like. Beyond that, day-​to-​day fluc­tu­a­tions in desire are human. I know that.

And I'd hope that my partner would extend that understanding to me, regardless of my job!

Further read­ing:

• EVEN MORE Truths about Dating as a Sex Industry Professional: THE UNABRIDGED NOTES
• Diary of a Sex Educator: my job and my dat­ing experiences

Also, this post was spon­sored. All views expressed are my own, as always.

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