COME TOGETHER Book Review: Reignite Intimacy and Desire

Unlocking the Science of Long-​Term Attraction with Insights from Come Together by Emily Nagoski

I was hooked from the start: yes, research backs cer­tain keys to “keep­ing the spark alive” long-​term, but no, they aren't about fre­quen­cy or nov­el­ty or adven­ture or adding spice to the vanilla.

(If any­thing, cud­dling is a greater pre­dic­tor of sex­u­al satisfaction.)

Beyond that, plea­sure is the mea­sure of sex­u­al suc­cess — do you enjoy the sex you’re having?

If you're not, you don’t have to accept that — or fad­ing attrac­tion in rela­tion­ships — as “just the way things are.”

In Come Together, Emily Nagoski, PhD, unpacks how desire shifts over time and reveals ways to reignite desire, draw­ing from:

• Her own marriage
• What the research shows
• Her work as a sex educator

Ready to uncov­er the heart of Come Together and Nagoski's takes on long-​term attrac­tion? Here's what I love about it and a giveaway!

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Key insights from Come Together by Emily Nagoski

• Responsive desire — much advice about long-​term attrac­tion revolves around hit­ting the desire “accel­er­a­tor” and ignores the oth­er side. What about when out­er con­texts and inner feel­ings hit our desire “brakes”? (Hello, house­hold chores and care­giv­er responsibilities!)

• How do we man­age those brakes, trig­gers, and dis­trac­tions — togeth­er — and trans­form those stalls into oppor­tu­ni­ties for deep­er con­nec­tion and intimacy?

• An approach to com­mu­ni­ca­tion that breaks down core attach­ment needs like trust and admi­ra­tion — inspired by Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy work, which picks up where John Bowlby’s research on attach­ment the­o­ry left off.

• "Normal" sex vs. "bro­ken" vs. "per­fect" vs. wound­ed vs. heal­ing — hint: most of us have inter­nal­ized myths and beliefs about how sex “should” be or “could” be bet­ter or what our sex­u­al­i­ty is like com­pared to oth­er peo­ple. And we’d be more free if we threw those hang-​ups in the trash.

• How sex changes as we age or become dis­abled — because, on a long enough time­line, through sick­ness and in health, 'til death, many of us will be in inter-​abled relationships

• The con­di­tion­ing and beliefs under­ly­ing recur­ring fights in hetero-​type rela­tion­ships — WITH EXAMPLES!!! AND HOW A THERAPIST MIGHT PROCESS THEM!!! Look, the first quar­ter of this book was slow, but when I got to this chap­ter, I was like WOOOAAAAAAH, I’ll need to reread this passage

This book is packed, and the rela­tion­ship con­nec­tion strate­gies aren’t just the­o­ry. There are many action­able assign­ments and play-​by-​plays of cou­ples imple­ment­ing them.

Does Come Together offer practical solutions for couples* struggling with desire?

In short, YES! There are so many that I opened to a ran­dom page and felt like I had unlocked a great mys­tery of the uni­verse: if you’ve gone from part­ners on paper to room­mates in prac­tice, how do you rebuild interdependence?

Emily Nagoski went through exact­ly that while writ­ing her pre­vi­ous book, Come As You Are — and imple­ment­ed one of John and Julie Gottman's intimacy-​building activ­i­ties to turn it around.

It was sim­ple but saved me much over­think­ing; I got my money’s worth from that sec­tion alone.

(Disclosure: I was sent advance read­er copies of both the paper­back and hard­cov­er, but I also bought the ebook because I just didn’t fuck­ing want to put the book down when I went to bed and turned out the lights.)

*Also, this book is very inclu­sive of poly­cules, queer con­nec­tions, and so on, so while hetero-​type cou­ples would ben­e­fit from it the most, it's for every­one else, too.

This book is for those who have absorbed shame around erot­ic desire and emo­tion­al con­nec­tion.

And let’s be hon­est: that's pret­ty much all of us.

Closing Thoughts on Come Together by Emily Nagoski

I orig­i­nal­ly meant to write a lis­ti­cle about my favorite books to boost self-​love and rela­tion­al love, and frankly, I don’t think one para­graph would have done jus­tice to Come Together.

That said, just because I think a book is use­ful doesn't mean I think it will nec­es­sar­i­ly res­onate with everyone.

Who is Come Together by Emily Nagoski not for?

• Those who want a "quick fix" with­out tak­ing a close look at their habits and beliefs — sorry!
• Those try­ing to rebuild a rela­tion­ship all by them­selves — it cer­tain­ly helps if your partner's curi­ous with you.
• Those who find cutesy euphemisms and extend­ed metaphors annoying

Parts of it are slow and bro­ken down to 101-​level lan­guage to serve a wide range of expe­ri­ence lev­els, so it's not nec­es­sar­i­ly some­thing I rec­om­mend every­one read cover-to-cover.

As always with self-​help, find what you need, take what res­onates and leave the rest. There's some­thing for just about every­one here.

Who is Come Together by Emily Nagoski for?

Among those who can look past the writ­ing style, every­one would ben­e­fit from read­ing at least some of Emily Nagoski's book:

• Couples fig­ur­ing out how to han­dle mis­matched libido or desire gaps in com­mit­ted relationships
• Partners scared that that dimin­ished desire sig­nals some­thing wrong — and want­i­ng to keep the attrac­tion alive in a relationship
• Survivors re-​integrating sex­u­al plea­sure after trauma
• Overthinkers who want to observe cou­ples fight­ing so that they don’t feel so crazy with their own, very human, quib­bles and insecurities
• Singles emerg­ing from hookup cul­ture who want some­thing deeper
• Singles who recent­ly sep­a­rat­ed and want a lit­tle extra help build­ing some­thing new and true to their values
• Those who have absorbed shame around erot­ic desire and emo­tion­al connection

And let’s be hon­est: that last one is pret­ty much all of us.

Further reading about reading

• Weirdly Specific Penis Facts You (Probably) Didn't Know: coag­u­lat­ing cum, Herbalife, 4‑hour erec­tions, and more
• Ways Animal Mating Is Like Human Dating
• 3 Must-​Have Pleasure Products For Couples: Tongue-​Tied, Wicked Jelle, & The Layer