Wobble baby, wob­ble baby, wob­ble baby, wob­ble. Get in there! (Yeah, yeah!)

I was not expect­ing the BestVibe Phoenix to move the way it did. Self-​thrusting? Yes. A big, beau­ti­ful, shim­mer­ing fan­ta­sy dil­do with gyra­tion, though? Imagine my shock when I turned it on to see the tip revolv­ing in cir­cles. That seemed fit­ting of my freak show of a sex toy col­lec­tion — even though its shape isn’t exact­ly my type.

See, I like my dil­dos long, lean, and front-​loaded, and the BestVibe Phoenix is the oppo­site of that. It’s stout and point­ed at the tip — pret­ty par for the course of a canine or drag­on dil­do. Hence I hard­ly have any beyond one that was a sur­prise gift and this one.

What might draw someone to fantasy dildos?

To get into the head­space of some­one whose cunt craves canine dil­dos, I imag­ined those odd­ly spe­cif­ic tar­get­ed ads involv­ing pri­mal breed­ing fan­tasies — pinned down by the “Alpha” of the “pack.”

(Other sce­nar­ios the algo­rithms thought I’d appre­ci­ate includ­ed MFM three-​way hen­tai and a smut­ty romance ebook involv­ing a ruth­less and, well, shirt­less Navy Seal with the ice cube tray abs. I stared at the cov­er for long enough to for­give the adver­tis­ers for pro­fil­ing me.)

My attempt at immer­sion proved futile upon turn­ing on the motor, though. How does one con­tex­tu­al­ize the BestVibe Phoenix’s gyra­tion sensation?

Part of me con­sid­ered a cyber­punk romance involv­ing gen­i­tal modifications.

Part of me left it at, “You don’t.” Because, ulti­mate­ly, I felt like I had to plan my play around what this toy could do rather than the oth­er way — use its fea­tures to com­ple­ment sen­sa­tions I already liked.

BestVibe Phoenix thrusting, gyration, vibrations

Between the rigid, straight inner rod, and how the motor stalled against my walls, it just didn’t give me what I need­ed. The thrust­ing halt­ed entire­ly. More than any­thing, its under­ly­ing “skele­ton” felt jab­by, and its spin­ning was just… there, spo­rad­i­cal­ly strug­gling against my goril­la grip coochie.

Some cur­va­ture and more bat­tery juice could have made the gyra­tion sen­sa­tion bet­ter for tar­get­ing my A‑spot or cervix, but don’t expect the BestVibe Phoenix to give you that.

The BestVibe Phoenix has 2 steady set­tings and 5 pat­tern options. As always, if the con­sis­tent move­ments don’t do much for me, the rhyth­mic breaks don’t, either. And with that, the remote con­trol also won’t help much.

Phoenix self-thrusting dildo measurements

On the plus side, this dildo’s dimen­sions are quite domineering:

• 9” of insertable length
• 5.2” length above the knot
• 1.6” diam­e­ter across the head
• 2.1” diam­e­ter across the shaft
• 2.6” across the knot

You might like the BestVibe Phoenix if you can over­look the pointy, pok­ing pole beneath the suu­u­per soft sil­i­cone skin. That ain’t me, though!

Is the BestVibe Phoenix body-safe silicone?

And yes, I (fit­ting­ly) flame-​tested the Phoenix to check for mate­r­i­al safety.

The result? Its blaze stayed iso­lat­ed to the ini­tial incin­er­a­tion site — which, for our pur­pos­es, is great news! A cheap­er mate­r­i­al would have done one of the following:

1. Caught and spread the flames far and wide
2. Melted, like plas­tic in a microwave

And that wasn't the case here.

On the con­trary, flame-​testing the BestVibe Phoenix left behind pale gray ash that flaked off eas­i­ly, con­sis­tent with how I’d expect body-​safe, non-​porous sil­i­cone to behave.

I also cut it open and didn’t find any­thing weird beyond shod­dy con­struc­tion and elec­tri­cal tape. As such, I wasn’t wor­ried about using the exter­nal skin, but I wouldn’t expect the inner work­ings to last very long. It’s fine for the price.

Closing thoughts on the BestVibe Phoenix

While you might enjoy the squish, I per­son­al­ly found this toy too irri­tat­ing­ly prod­ding. I looked for­ward to dis­sect­ing the BestVibe Phoenix to look at its inner com­po­nents more than I antic­i­pat­ed hav­ing it against my inter­nals. Such a vivi­sec­tion makes a live­ly sex muse­um dis­play — but not so much a prac­ti­cal plea­sure product.

I came, I saw, and I con­quered with my coochie, to the point of stop­ping the thrust­ing entire­ly, when it should have been see, con­quer, cum.

Get the BestVibe Phoenix. Or don't.

This post was spon­sored. Writing and opin­ions expressed are my own.

Further reading: unique silicone dildos I liked

• Uberrime Anurian girthy amphib­ian mon­ster dildo
• Review: SelfDelve Corn, Hole Punch Evolver, Moonshiner sil­i­cone dildos
• Top 6 La Boutique Voila sex toys, ranked!
• 13+ Unique Sex Toys for the Collector Who Has Everything
• Rose Sex Toy Guide: Air Pulses, Colors, Variants, Plugs, and More!