Sexual Satisfaction Isn’t Just One Destination For Men, Either
Here's one of my greatest regrets as a sex blogger — and what I wish I had said.
When a friend of a friend mentioned being unable to finish during sex with his wife, I wish I had suggested:
- To decentralize penis-in-vagina intercourse
- That he could adjust something on his end
It's not that there wasn't "a real solution" — there were plenty. However, some of them involved the discomfort of shifting what is normal or standard.
For one, vaginal intercourse doesn't have to be the ultimate standard main course act — and even if it is for you, you could frame finishing a different way as dessert. It's okay to have dessert!
And an orgasm during intercourse isn't necessary for sexual satisfaction. I often tell women it's okay to have intercourse but finish during other sex acts, like mutual masturbation, oral sex, using toys on each other, and more. The flip side is that it's okay for men, too!
And when people say, "It ruins the mood" to finish with a partner in a way other than straight-up vaginal intercourse, my main question is: "Would it ruin the mood more than not finishing with them at all?"
If not, consider changing the activity to something that does get you off.
If yes, don't finish, and own it.
We also didn't have to jump immediately to, "She's not tight enough for him."
- His masturbation habits
- How tight of a grip he used
- His hand movement cadence
- What he thought about when masturbating
- Whether his porn fantasies corresponded to what he did in "real life" sex
Were his favorite kink porn deals rough and rife with aggression? Did he watch sensual erotica focused on feelings and scenarios, and if so, what themes were prominent? It's certainly possible to consume internet porn with intention, but it takes awareness of what turns one on about the fantasy.
When you break down what's "normal," you realize that what's expected isn't destiny, and it doesn't have to define you as a sensual being. You don't have to be stuck with any one metric by which you measure normalcy or success; there are many ways to be normal and have risk-aware consensual spice.
If you can't cum during intercourse, it's okay, really!
Focus on the ways you can cum.
And if cumming isn't easy for you, focus on the ways you can have fun. Just as women are told that orgasm is a natural byproduct of enjoyment, it's okay for men to enjoy the ride without focusing on finishing, too.
And if sex isn't fun for you yet (or anymore), focus on what turns you on. Maybe explore different erotic content than usual, see what your body responds to in day-to-day life, and consider how that can transfer to the bedroom.
And if you're not turned on, focus on what makes you feel good — because you deserve pleasure.
It's been years since I told him that I didn't "have a real answer" when I, in fact, had multiple potential answers for a man concerned about whether his wife's vagina was tight enough for him.
While it was easy for him to say a too-loose vagina was something on her end — and that is a possibility that can be worked with — other possibilities for breaking out of a sexual rut deserved nuanced consideration. Whether they would have been comfortable to hear at first doesn't change that.
This post was sponsored. Views expressed are my own, though a blog post is no substitute for the nuances of sex therapy.
I don't know enough about this couple to tell them what to do — and I might never. But if there's anything I've learned since that conversation, it's to appreciate that we often have more options than we think. Seeing them might take a shift in perspective.
PLEASURE PRINCESS. COMPACT, HIGH-CAPACITY HUMAN. CERVIX SORCERESS.
I've tested over 350 sex toys and love diving deep for cervical orgasms, A‑spot stimulation, and kinky odysseys into the subconscious.
Mesmerizing mindfucking or physical fisting? Blowing men or minds? Opening books or legs? Why not all of the above?
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