Uberrime Cthulhu Review: Huge Monster Dildo with Baseball Bat Girth

Stack two soda cans on top of one anoth­er. That's rough­ly the size of the large Cthulhu dil­do.

Is there such a thing as too big? Yes, and I still came on the large Uberrime Cthulhu's mas­sive 2.7‑inch girth. 

It's not enough to say that it's fill­ing. It's not enough to say that it made me cum again and again. It filled me and pushed me to the lim­it of what I thought I could handle.

Uberrime Cthulhu Monster Dildo Sizes

Americans will use any­thing but the met­ric sys­tem, except when some­thing is 9mm. But I name these objects to evoke com­par­isons with things many of us see in every­day life.

Of course, there's more to a dil­do than absolute size; there's shape and soft­ness, too.

Cthulhu Dildo Shape & Silicone Softness

If you get the large size, you'll prob­a­bly go with the squishi­er Shore 0030. I per­son­al­ly did that and got the medi­um Cthulhu dil­do in a small in 0050 den­si­ty. The dif­fer­ence is like warm gum­my can­dy vs. cool gum­my can­dy, respec­tive­ly — and it affects how intense the sen­sa­tion is, from stretch to tex­ture to the orgasm contractions.

Of course the tapered head made it (this next word will do so much heavy lift­ing) rel­a­tive­ly easy to get in. And, as a bonus, it slipped into my fornix­es, the pock­ets in front of or behind the cervix, so easily.

I had the lob­u­lar, curved head tilt­ed against my front wall where I'd be more sen­si­tive. Of course I twist­ed it a lit­tle to savor the tex­tures. And the ver­ti­cal, tentacle-​like con­vex­i­ties dug into the tens­est parts of my walls where the girth swelled to its max­i­mum. I had no choice but to relax to get it in.

Orgasm Rating: Extreme Eldritch Ecstasy

I need­ed the super­nat­ur­al surrender.

This is not jack­ham­mer­ing and sharp, quick flicks like when I cum on an actu­al­ly human penis-​sized dil­do. Oh, no, no. My body pre­car­i­ous­ly bal­ances arousal with relaxation.

Instead of one long, hard con­trac­tion fol­lowed by rapid-​fire rhythm, I'm breath­ing slow­ly and clench­ing with every exhale auto­nom­i­cal­ly, sev­er­al sec­onds at a time. It's not that I exact­ly planned Lamaze breath­ing, but my ner­vous sys­tem did it for me.

It's not just that I want to crush whatever's inside me. The arousal has built, and blood flow has pooled, and the nerves are stretched so much, and the rise from the plateau is so intense that every lit­tle move­ment felt like a lot, like I'd over­heat in overwhelm.

And then from there each orgasm feels like it's build­ing on the last, to the point where I can bare­ly tell when one ends and the next begins.

If you love slow builds, big stretch­es, and deca­dent sur­ren­der, like being com­mand­ed to breathe deep and accept being a hole with a heart­beat, Uberrime's Cthulhu will give that orgasm an oth­er­world­ly vibe, espe­cial­ly with the large size.

The large Cthulhu is a sur­pris­ing­ly smooth oper­a­tor; I can take my time with its soft­ness while also bul­ly­ing my brain with mind­less pre­frontal cor­tex shut­down. The medium's swelling and reced­ing towards the base gives me some­thing to grab onto, as an over­sized pussy plug with some stay­ing pow­er when I wrap the tight­est part of my wall around its nar­row­est part.

Verdict on Uberrime's Cthulhu Monster Dildo

It's not just that Uberrime's col­or choic­es just keep get­ting bet­ter as the com­pa­ny evolves. (And no, it's real­ly not a coin­ci­dence that the trend of color-​shifting eye­shad­ow pig­ments has made its way into sol­id sil­i­cone suspensions.)

It's not just that the Cthulhu mold is real­ly fuck­ing pret­ty — though that can­not be dis­re­gard­ed, with the car­toon­ish wings and scal­loped bor­ders and wrin­kled bends and extra eye­brow ridge detail­ing and eight ten­ta­cles that coil into "balls" on the base for counterweight.

It's an absolute art piece that catch­es light luxuriously.

It's an exer­cise, both lit­er­al­ly for my pelvic floor, and fig­u­ra­tive­ly in the prac­tice of ced­ing con­trol. I can slow down the thrust­ing, but I must orgasm. I don't have a choice.

There is, of course, a “Small” size for a col­lectible Cthulhu cock that’s still with­in the realm of real human penis sizes I have per­son­al­ly seen.

However, if you love being filled beyond big, beyond bab­bling and whim­per­ing, Uberrime's Medium and Large Cthulhus might be your speed.

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