Uberrime Cthulhu Review: Huge Monster Dildo with Baseball Bat Girth

Stack two soda cans on top of one another. That’s roughly the size of the large Cthulhu dildo.

Is there such a thing as too big? Yes, and I still came on the large Uberrime Cthulhu’s massive 2.7-inch girth.

It’s not enough to say that it’s filling. It’s not enough to say that it made me cum again and again. It filled me and pushed me to the limit of what I thought I could handle.

Uberrime Cthulhu Monster Dildo Sizes

Americans will use anything but the metric system, except when something is 9mm. But I name these objects to evoke comparisons with things many of us see in everyday life.

Of course, there’s more to a dildo than absolute size; there’s shape and softness, too.

Cthulhu Dildo Shape & Silicone Softness

If you get the large size, you’ll probably go with the squishier Shore 0030. I personally did that and got the medium Cthulhu dildo in a small in 0050 density. The difference is like warm gummy candy vs. cool gummy candy, respectively — and it affects how intense the sensation is, from stretch to texture to the orgasm contractions.

Of course the tapered head made it (this next word will do so much heavy lifting) relatively easy to get in. And, as a bonus, it slipped into my fornixes, the pockets in front of or behind the cervix, so easily.

I had the lobular, curved head tilted against my front wall where I’d be more sensitive. Of course I twisted it a little to savor the textures. And the vertical, tentacle-like convexities dug into the tensest parts of my walls where the girth swelled to its maximum. I had no choice but to relax to get it in.

Orgasm Rating: Extreme Eldritch Ecstasy

I needed the supernatural surrender.

This is not jackhammering and sharp, quick flicks like when I cum on an actually human penis-sized dildo. Oh, no, no. My body precariously balances arousal with relaxation.

Instead of one long, hard contraction followed by rapid-fire rhythm, I’m breathing slowly and clenching with every exhale autonomically, several seconds at a time. It’s not that I exactly planned Lamaze breathing, but my nervous system did it for me.

It’s not just that I want to crush whatever’s inside me. The arousal has built, and blood flow has pooled, and the nerves are stretched so much, and the rise from the plateau is so intense that every little movement felt like a lot, like I’d overheat in overwhelm.

And then from there each orgasm feels like it’s building on the last, to the point where I can barely tell when one ends and the next begins.

If you love slow builds, big stretches, and decadent surrender, like being commanded to breathe deep and accept being a hole with a heartbeat, Uberrime’s Cthulhu will give that orgasm an otherworldly vibe, especially with the large size.

The large Cthulhu is a surprisingly smooth operator; I can take my time with its softness while also bullying my brain with mindless prefrontal cortex shutdown. The medium’s swelling and receding towards the base gives me something to grab onto, as an oversized pussy plug with some staying power when I wrap the tightest part of my wall around its narrowest part.

Verdict on Uberrime’s Cthulhu Monster Dildo

It’s not just that Uberrime’s color choices just keep getting better as the company evolves. (And no, it’s really not a coincidence that the trend of color-shifting eyeshadow pigments has made its way into solid silicone suspensions.)

It’s not just that the Cthulhu mold is really fucking pretty — though that cannot be disregarded, with the cartoonish wings and scalloped borders and wrinkled bends and extra eyebrow ridge detailing and eight tentacles that coil into “balls” on the base for counterweight.

It’s an absolute art piece that catches light luxuriously.

It’s an exercise, both literally for my pelvic floor, and figuratively in the practice of ceding control. I can slow down the thrusting, but I must orgasm. I don’t have a choice.

There is, of course, a “Small” size for a collectible Cthulhu cock that’s still within the realm of real human penis sizes I have personally seen.

However, if you love being filled beyond big, beyond babbling and whimpering, Uberrime’s Medium and Large Cthulhus might be your speed.

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