Carnal Confessions from the Kinky Congregation

I am Superior Trask, head of penance, here to dis­close the sins of the congregation.

Punishment and spir­i­tu­al cleans­ing shall be con­duct­ed amid your sin­ful souls; the rosary will also be prayed for your bro­ken, kinky minds.

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CONFESSIONS: my readers' spicy sensual sins

My masturbation practice, Your Eminence.

The oddly specific

One fucked the gear shift of a 1985 Toyota 4Runner, "and it was sur­pris­ing­ly good." I hope they used a con­dom, both for the sake of hand hygiene and pos­si­bly vagi­nal hygiene.

Another replied, "Getting fucked with a large rolling pin onstage at Burning Man in front of a few hun­dred weirdos." I don't know if the con­text of it being at Burning Man makes it more wild or less wild.

And odd­ly enough, a response of "hav­ing a wedgie fetish" didn't sur­prise me, which prob­a­bly tells you some­thing about the stuff I've seen. (Hint: one dude start­ed jack­ing off to relieve stress from his trau­mat­ic high school bul­ly­ing expe­ri­ences — there­by solid­i­fy­ing the neur­al con­nec­tion between wed­gies, being beat­en up, and arousal.)

Another reply's risky busi­ness includ­ed spicy video chat­ting in a church park­ing lot and almost get­ting caught by a stew­ard, result­ing in "by far the most exhil­a­rat­ing" orgasm they'd ever had with their part­ner, "giv­en and the breath­less­ness from both" of them. 

The spicy and scandalous

Finally, per­haps the most scalding-​hot tea came from a Domme who final­ized her pet play pup's breakup with his girl­friend of 4 years. In her words:

"He… found that he want­ed to com­mit to his ser­vice on a more full-​time basis, so I strong­ly encour­aged the breakup. She has no idea why their rela­tion­ship end­ed. I met him the morn­ing after for a short cru­el ses­sion and to make him sign a con­tract which makes him mine com­plete­ly for the next 12 months."

Actual home­wreck­ing and con­sent con­tracts are past my per­son­al lim­its, but as taboo fan­tasies, they're more com­mon than you might think in the kink world.

The best of the rest

Other con­trib­u­tors con­fessed to kinks that includ­ed knife play (I love Chaotic Kink for acrylic knife play blades), boss hookup role­play with a stranger, water­sports, anal play, con­sen­su­al non­con­sent (rape play), and group sex with mul­ti­ple hor­ror movie/​show characters.

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CONFECTIONS for my cunt: cute spooky dildos!

Regarding spooky char­ac­ters, who didn't drool over Jamie Campbell Bowers as Vecna in Stranger Things? In the words of Twitter user @ciwywisteria

tbh i under­stand vecna's moti­va­tions cause if i went from look­ing like a hot piece of ass to THAT… i would be mad too

Alas, Uberrime changed his mind about mak­ing a tex­tured Vecna dil­do — in favor of the equally-​rugged, glow-​in-​the-​dark Toxxxic Avenger and the Calaveras dil­do with skulls for balls.

Here are a few oth­er fan­ta­sy toys that might fit someone's fetish for fear.

The Uberrime Night King is one of my all-​time favorite dil­dos for deep pen­e­tra­tion.

La Boutique Voila makes a cutesy alien vibra­tor that, sure, is meant for exter­nal use, but if its 2.1" diam­e­ter head fits, I sits (on it).

Glutton for Punishment Crafts makes a stur­dy acrylic meat cleaver pad­dle, and Velvet Alley Designs makes a meat cleaver cock ring (com­plete with blood drips in your col­or of choice).

Practically all of Velvet Alley's shop is spooky-themed!

• Their "knife stab­bing an anatom­i­cal heart" dil­do is a cus­tomiz­able and cre­ative beauty.
• They have sil­i­cone skele­ton fin­ger exten­ders and uni­corn skulls
• Clitoral grinders galore are fea­tured, like brains and (duh) anatom­i­cal hearts of many sizes
• I'll also begrudg­ing­ly admit that their Pennywise hand and arm dil­do feels sur­pris­ing­ly and sen­sa­tion­al­ly good, even if it's a bit too creepy for me.

And, of course, my sac­ri­lege would not be com­plete with­out the Mother Interior nun dil­do from Hole Punch Toys.

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CONFESSIONS: post-nut clarity — the good and the down bad

I asked my read­ers what gave them post-​nut clar­i­ty, which they gen­er­al­ly inter­pret­ed in one of two ways:

1. What kinks and fan­tasies they felt mild­ly ashamed of
2. What made the "What am I doing?!" sirens go off

There's room for both here, start­ing with how down bad some of you could get.

The down bad

The last "hor­ri­ble real­iza­tion" some­one had was that "the car sex def­i­nite­ly wasn't worth the shin bruis­es OR the phar­ma­cy vis­it." Their "bar has been LOW for men in the past," they pref­aced. It's okay — you live and learn.

Personally, I quite like car sex because the enclo­sure means I have sur­faces galore to push up against and lever­age deep­er pen­e­tra­tion. If car sex is a must for you, con­sid­er keep­ing some cushy blan­kets and pil­lows in the back. Your shins will thank you.

"If using toys doesn't help, it's not good enough to go back to," read anoth­er response. I agree.

Another read­er deeply relat­ed to Lana Del Rey singing, "You fucked me so good; I almost said 'I love you" — except this per­son did say it in a "sit­u­a­tion­ship after a major heartbreak."

Needless to say, it's not all fun. One respondent's boyfriend said that God didn't want them to have sex any­more after the hard­est orgasm of their life. Another con­tem­plat­ed, "Maybe I'm actu­al­ly real­ly unhap­py with my sex life with my partner."

The good-​ish

A few also admit­ted that mas­tur­ba­tion was to quell not the horny but rather lone­li­ness and anxiety.

That's super com­mon among men espe­cial­ly — when feel­ings are tough to talk about, sex and mas­tur­ba­tion make a con­ve­nient catch-​all stand-​in for:

• Stress relief and blow­ing off steam
• Craving cud­dles and being held
• Connection with a partner
• Fantasies of alter­nate lives
• Feeling desir­able in some way

These read­ers find them­selves more pro­duc­tive after­ward, so they'll take what­ev­er dopamine they can get.

The kinky

Finally, some taboo fan­ta­sy fod­der that prompt­ed uncom­fort­able self-​reflection includ­ed swinger porn, hotwife sub­red­dits, and the splash of hot jizz against the back of one's mouth.

Whether they rel­ished the sen­sa­tion or found it dis­gust­ing is unclear — but I'd argue that the key to giv­ing a great blowjob is to enjoy it enthusiastically.

Great-​tasting fla­vored lube can undoubt­ed­ly help.

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CONFECTIONS: iconic candy-flavored lube for fall fun!

Autumn is so much more than pumpkin spice

In the spir­it of Halloween, I asked my fol­low­ers which sweet treats would be the most tasty as lube flavors.

What piqued your palate?

Peach rings were the most pop­u­lar reply, and I agree! Simple fruity fla­vors, such as a peach's tart­ness, pair well with the high-​intensity sweet­en­ers com­mon in fla­vored lube.

Try Sensuva's nat­ur­al water-​based peach for­mu­la. It's free of glyc­erin and propy­lene gly­col; and relies on both plant cel­lu­lose and propane­di­ol for its slick­ness. Alternatively, Exsens also makes a peachy nip­ple arousal cream, and Earthly Body's veg­an mas­sage can­dles add anoth­er lay­er to wax play.

Close con­fec­tionary con­tenders includ­ed piña colada-​like coconut — an aro­mat­ic main­stay of Bijoux Indiscrets' Slow Sex inti­mate body care line — and salt­ed caramel. My top coconut-​flavored picks from the Slow Sex line include:

• Full body mas­sage gel — deli­cious, drool-​worthy, and gen­er­al­ly safe for vagi­nal use
• Clitoral balm — slight­ly warm­ing for a slow build-​up — noth­ing too wild (thank good­ness!) and def­i­nite­ly effec­tive for me
• Oral sex balm — made from plant-​based oils and but­ters with coconut fla­vor and a slight cool­ing effect. I love the thick, stur­dy con­sis­ten­cy and how it glides between my lips and the head of a penis.

And since it's spooky sea­son, why not pair caramel-​flavored lube with can­dy apple? Sliquid Swirl's green apple fla­vor is delec­table for lick­ing off some­one. Combine it with Wicked Sensual Care's caramel or cin­na­mon bun lube for for­bid­den fruit with a fall twist.

Honorable mentions for lube include

Cherry vanil­la is anoth­er clas­sic and fan­tas­tic Sliquid Swirl fla­vor. It's seri­ous­ly one of the best lube fla­vors you can get — noth­ing bla­tant­ly fake, it could pass as light can­dy, and it's juu­u­u­ust sweet enough.

Mint is one of the less in-​your-​face fla­vors, often giv­ing a slight tin­gling sen­sa­tion. My top picks include:

• Morgasm's vanil­la mint-​flavored CBD lube
• Exsens' Mint Mojito warm­ing lube, if you don't mind get­ting fes­tive­ly fruity
• And I don't have to explain why Flintts Mouthwatering Mints, would be use­ful, yeah? 

System JO also offers a cot­ton can­dy lube — I wouldn't pick this one from a line­up, but you do you, boo!

Notes about lube ingredients

As far as vagi­nal micro­bio­me friend­li­ness goes, the Sensuva and Sliquid line­ups are your safest bets, as well as the par­tic­u­lar Slow Sex mas­sage gel for­mu­la I linked. Morgasm works fine for me, but I'd sug­gest patch test­ing first. Exsens, System JO, and Wicked fla­vored lubes are best used externally.

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CLOSING THOUGHTS: have you been good?

There was a 50/​50 split between "yes" and "no" when sur­vey respon­dents were asked, "Have you been good this year?"

What do you think? Do kinky fuck­ers like you deserve absolution?