Mini-Reviews: Velvet Thruster Teddy, Maia Max/Monroe, & Vixskin Colossus

The OG Velvet Thruster, just over 2 pounds, is the light­weight and refined descen­dant of a rec­i­p­ro­cat­ing fucksaw.

This sex­u­al pow­er tool's self-​thrusting mech­a­nism boasts up to 140 thrusts per minute and a robust 3‑inch range of motion. It's wor­thy of the title, "fuck­ing machine," but still stream­lined enough to fit in my day bag.

In 2018, I compared the original Velvet Thruster handheld fucking machine to crack:

I get all of the heart-​eyes-​emoji feel­ings, but the effect takes place faster. Plus, I don’t have to work for it beyond wash­ing the dil­do, lub­ing it up, and aim­ing. The orgasms repeat for as many times as I want, with hard­ly any effort.

… Orgasms until I’m straight up tired, inde­pen­dent­ly of whether my arms are sore. That’s a major plus when you’re multi-​orgasmic and think, “Well, I COULD go for anoth­er. And anoth­er. And another…”

But the Original Velvet Thruster Wasn't Perfect

Shown below are the Velvet Thruster mini Teddy TX, orig­i­nal Jackie, and Prime Sammie. The orig­i­nal motor has been dis­con­tin­ued in favor of the com­pact Teddy and almost-​as-​strong but sleek­er Prime base. Velvet's designs have come a long way!

For one, the OG Velvet Thruster was loud and sound­ed very much like a pow­er drill. It was also clunky to hold— for my vagi­na to get max­i­mum force, I'd need to prop the orig­i­nal Thruster box's base against some­thing like the bed or a cush­ion. If I do that, I block my access to the con­trol pan­el on the bot­tom. And the bla­tant­ly open air vents ren­der it not water­proof, which is ridicu­lous, giv­en the price tag.

These pit­falls weren't deal­break­ers for me, a con­nois­seur of deep pen­e­tra­tion and cer­vi­cal orgasms. But as both a review­er and a fel­low con­sumer, I was excit­ed to explore more afford­able options in the fuck­ing machine micro-niche.

Coming Up in This Fucking Review Sampler

• Velvet Thruster Teddy
  • Downsides and trade-offs
  • How pow­er­ful is it com­pared to the original?
• Maia Max and Monroe
• VixSkin Colossus and clos­ing thoughts
• Further read­ing: Velvet Thruster Prime, Teddy XL, GS
• Further read­ing: Velvet Prime Edward Review

You can find Velvet Thruster self-​thrusting dil­dos at The Thruster (25% off code: SUPER25)

Introducing the Velvet Thruster Teddy (a.k.a. The Mini Velvet Thruster)

Thankfully, The Thruster took review­er feed­back to heart when they designed their more com­pact (and fur­ther refined) Teddy mod­el. It's light­weight, has a suc­tion cup base, its charg­ing port is sealed off to mois­ture, and the but­tons are on the sides of the unit. AND, as a bonus, I can use the Velvet Thruster Teddy WHILE it's charging.

Much of what I loved about the orig­i­nal Velvet Thruster remains intact in its suc­ces­sor. Effortlessly get­ting fucked until I feel like faint­ing. Fuck yeah!

Downsides and Trade-​Offs With the Velvet Thruster Teddy

Unlike the OG Velvet Thruster Jackie, the Velvet Thruster Teddy is not a pow­er tool. In a nut­shell, the Teddy sac­ri­fices inten­si­ty for ease of use and price, but I think it's pow­er­ful enough to make the trade-​off worthwhile.

The small­er mod­el is just under 9" when col­lapsed and 11.5" when expand­ed, far more man­age­able to hold than the orig­i­nal Velvet Thruster's respec­tive 11" and 14". To accom­plish this, The Thruster had to down­size the Teddy's dil­do por­tion (5" instead of 6"), stroke length (2.5" instead of 3"), bat­tery, and motor.

How Does the Mini Velvet Thruster's Power Compare to the Original?

Its max­i­mum speed is 125 strokes per minute instead of 140. That's still admirable on paper. I can main­tain the claim that the mini Velvet Thruster Teddy mod­el deliv­ers a lit­tle over two strokes per sec­ond. In prac­tice, its less robust motor slows down under pres­sure— for exam­ple, when it's all the way in against my ceil­ing, and I come and clench.

Depending on how much resis­tance there is, the high­est setting's thrust speed can some­times drop down to 80 thrusts per minute. The lag has nev­er teased me or caused me any prob­lems since I usu­al­ly want slow­er thrust­ing right after I come any­way. However, if you desire more con­sis­tent speed con­trol, you might want to stick to the big­ger, orig­i­nal Velvet Thrusters.

(Unsure how fast 140 or 125 or 80 thrusts per minute is? Type the num­ber in this dig­i­tal metronome.)

UPDATE: New-​and-​improved Velvet Thruster Prime has been released! Read more about them.

Maia Max and Monroe: A More Affordable Handheld Fucking Machine?

I can bare­ly gath­er enough fucks to tell you about the Maia Max's (and Monroe's) fea­tures. The main thing to know is that I fuck­ing hate this thing and I'd be pissed if I spent $100 on it. A fuck­ing machine's rea­son for being is fuck­ing. If it's not fuck­ing, it's not working.

The Maia Max is a hand­held fuck­ing machine with 2" of thrust length, three speeds, and a max speed of around 100 strokes a minute. It also vibrates and comes with extras like an angle-​adjustable screw-​on suc­tion cup and remote con­trol. All this for $100 sound­ed too good to be true, con­sid­er­ing that the OG Velvet Thruster was $180–200.

Indeed, the bells and whis­tles are irrel­e­vant, because there's (of course) a rea­son the Maia Max is cheap­er than the Velvet Thrusters. I nev­er thought I'd say this, but this fuck­ing machine is no match for the resis­tance from my walls and ceil­ing. When I try to push the Maia Max all the way in and bot­tom myself out, it emits a piti­ful barely-​there but high-​pitched squeal before cow­er­ing and prac­ti­cal­ly shut­ting off.

UPDATE: I spoke to one of Maia Toys' reps about this prob­lem, and he said that it only hap­pens when the product's bat­tery isn't full. However, a fel­low review­er told me that her Maia Max stalled as well, even when charged. And I suck at charg­ing my pow­ered sex toys anyway.

If you pre­fer shal­low pen­e­tra­tion and don't plan on going espe­cial­ly hard, the Maia Max might be worth it for you. But I can only repeat the words of Rod Williams in Get Out: "Fuck you! Bye."

My Verdict: Get a Velvet Thruster Teddy Already

Let's imag­ine that my house caught on fire. I would retrieve my nearly-​indestructible njoy Eleven, but also have to start my col­lec­tion of pow­ered toys from scratch. In such a sce­nario, I would 100% buy the Velvet Thruster Teddy and a VixSkin Colossus to put on it.

Sure, the Velvet Thruster Teddy's pow­er can't com­pare to the Velvet Thruster Jackie. However, I'd hap­pi­ly sac­ri­fice pow­er for ease of use and con­ve­nience. The Teddy's but­ton place­ment makes more sense, its suc­tion cup allows for ver­sa­til­i­ty in posi­tion­ing, and its closed design means no wor­ries about water get­ting into the circuitry.

A Rad Add-On: Vixskin Colossus Cock Extender

The Velvet Thruster Teddy's low­er price also makes it far more prac­ti­cal to pair with a VixSkin Colossus cock exten­der. I see y'all rais­ing your eye­brows, so let me explain: the Colossus is a squishy sil­i­cone sleeve that slips over a penis (or in this case, dil­do) for added length and girth.

It would con­vert any of the afore­men­tioned fuck­ing machines into a longer (6.75"), fat AF (2.25"), self-​thrusting, dual-​density dil­do. Squishy on the out­side and firm on the inside, like a cock or like my Vixen Creations VixSkin Outlaw but fat­ter. Let that sink in: fuck­ing up my walls and ceil­ing with auto­mat­ed hands-​free fuck­ing and a flesh­like feel.

When I start­ed my blog, I nev­er imag­ined own­ing a self-​thrusting VixSkin dil­do, but here we are. I've merged a Velvet Thruster and VixSkin Colossus as part of my job. I am liv­ing the dream.

Hand-​thrusting the Outlaw and then hold­ing it sta­tion­ary while I come is an ample oxy­tocin det­o­na­tion on its own. But to con­tin­ue the thrust­ing with­out any effort on my part? That is the next sphere of heav­en for me, a proud pil­low princess of prodi­gious proportions.