Realistic Fake Cum Recipe: Semen "Shots" Taste-Test & Party Mixology

Mixing realistic-​tasting fake cum shots — olfac­to­ry notes of cake bat­ter and bleach and all — some­how turned into my most-​viewed and most-​liked Instagram sto­ry yet.

The slide showed me swirling a blender bot­tle with 8 ounces of this coconut water-​based con­coc­tion cumcoction.

My fol­low­ers were both delight­ed and dis­gust­ed when I shared the ingre­di­ents list — and my taste-​tester play part­ner prob­a­bly felt the same way sam­pling the mix.

He was the first to gri­mace when tak­ing a shot, and he wasn't the last.

"I think this is our ‘eure­ka,’" he said, sur­prised by how human it tast­ed. You can thank the banana extract and monosodi­um glu­ta­mate for that.

(I know how peo­ple feel about essays on cook­ing blogs, so click here to skip to the realistic-​tasting fake cum recipe.)

It only took us a month to final­ly get around to mak­ing fake ejac­u­late — we were too busy mak­ing and tast­ing actu­al cum — after my text about how coconut water some­times tastes like semen, depend­ing on the brand. He actu­al­ly agreed with me, which I saw and I raised, "It needs L‑arginine for the bit­ter bleach-​like notes, though," in a "Hahahaha, JK.….…… UNLESS?" kind of way.

The scale-​tipping moti­va­tor we need­ed was a wet-​themed kinky play party.

Mixing a batch for our­selves didn't cut it any­more — we hand­ed out 2‑ounce cups with lids like lit­tle gelatin shots, but with ludi­crous amounts of arti­fi­cial ejaculate.

Needless to say, par­ty­go­ers were skep­ti­cal at first. Carrying around a jar to sip and spit, and then snow­ball back and forth in my play partner's mouth, while oth­ers watched, was key to earn­ing trust before they'd accept the mys­tery mix.

[Upon tast­ing it, s]omeone else raised her eye­brows in delight. “HMM! I wish more cum tast­ed like that!”

Cum Lubricant vs. Fake Cum For Drinking

See, cum lube that felt and looked and slipped and stretched real­is­ti­cal­ly for use with sex toys (or just for sex) was famil­iar to many attendees.

I love when peo­ple ask for a realistic-​looking cum lube, because it's such an easy answer: shop the hybrid lube sec­tion. Even though white water-​silicone hybrid per­son­al lubri­cants aren't always mar­ket­ed as cum sim­u­la­tion prod­ucts for fetish pur­pos­es, they can pret­ty much all be used that way (though some are cer­tain­ly more opaque than others).

These body-​safe cum sub­sti­tutes are great for inter­nal use — water-​based for com­pat­i­bil­i­ty with a wide range of mate­ri­als (think toys, con­doms, and beyond), with just a lit­tle sil­i­cone for long-​lasting gel-​like glide, and an emul­si­fi­er to keep the for­mu­la stable.

Finding cum sim­u­la­tion lube for role­play is pret­ty straightforward.

But fetish-​level fake cum mixol­o­gy for drink­ing was a dif­fer­ent story.

[C]oconut water tastes like cum, and I couldn't dis­pute that that was some­what true… A body-​safe cum con­coc­tion might be a bit hard­er to exe­cute, but I think it’s pos­si­ble, as coconut-​flavored lube exists.

So here's what we com­bined, how we (and oth­ers) felt about dif­fer­ent iter­a­tions (believe me: it was a mixed bag), and what I'd do dif­fer­ent­ly for the next batch.

Realistic-Tasting Fake Cum Recipe

Here’s my edi­ble semen sub­sti­tute recipe — based on food sci­ence man­u­als and fetish forums relat­ed to breed­ing and cum play:

• 1 cup coconut water
• 1/​4 tsp xan­than gum
• 1/​4 tsp L‑arginine
• A lit­tle pinch of monosodi­um glutamate
• Potassium chlo­ride or table salt to taste
• 1 drop banana extract

I end­ed up mak­ing two batch­es of realistic-​tasting fake cum for oral:

• One with the orig­i­nal recipe above.
• One with some almond extract, less salt, and MSG (just a few crys­tals), and some guar gum.

Note: Due to the sug­ar con­tent in the coconut water, this recipe is not intend­ed for use as a lubricant.

A body-​safe cum con­coc­tion might be a bit hard­er to exe­cute, but I think it’s pos­si­ble, as coconut-​flavored lube exists. Thanks, Hathor/​SUTIL, for one of the best-​tasting lubes I have ever tried, OMG. I didn’t imag­ine shout­ing them out in an instruc­tion­al cum fetish post until now.

So, Why These Ingredients?

Someone at a pre­vi­ous par­ty point­ed out that coconut water tastes like cum, and I couldn't dis­pute that that was some­what true of some brands, some times of year. Kirkland coconut water dur­ing the sum­mer in the USA? Definitely. Coconut water fresh from a coconut? Hmm, maybe sometimes.

However, it need­ed L‑arginine or some­thing else bit­ter for the bleach-​like notes. The salts added, well, the salti­ness and the savory. And banana extract was the thing that made it uncan­ni­ly human.

FURTHER READING: Weirdly Specific Penis Facts You (Probably) Didn't Know: coag­u­lat­ing cum, Herbalife, 4‑hour erec­tions, and more

And why xan­than gum for tex­ture? It’s a well-​documented thick­en­ing agent for food and body care prod­ucts. One taster’s famil­iar­i­ty with it was because she has dia­betes and would use xan­than gum to adjust bak­ing recipes for tex­ture and con­sis­ten­cy when swap­ping sug­ar out for anoth­er sweetener.

You can also use guar gum, but I wish I hadn’t. It behaves quite dif­fer­ent­ly from xan­than gum. Almond extract was anoth­er mis­take that ruined that batch.

(But it’s okay — I saved the sweet­est to sip and share with my play partner.)

Things I Would Do Differently Next Time

1. Use more xan­than gum and less MSG from the start.
   1. My play partner’s cum tends to be thicker.
   2. He kept insist­ing that his tast­ed way bet­ter than the mix, which I’m inclined to agree with. Also, his cum is more bit­ter and not near­ly as salty.
2. Mix wet and dry ingre­di­ents sep­a­rate­ly to reduce clump­ing. (More on that com­ing right up.)
3. Set aside extra time and tools for the guar gum — or skip it entirely.
   1. Xanthan gum thick­ens the mix, but guar gum is what makes it stick, result­ing in stringy strands. Why would I not want my edi­ble semen shots to do that? It turns out that guar gum is noto­ri­ous­ly dif­fi­cult to work with and tends to clump.
   2. I didn’t have a blender — and the shak­er bot­tle whisk wasn’t cut­ting it — so I tried a frother, think­ing I could just sub­merge it entire­ly and keep it steady, to stir the liq­uid with min­i­mal air. It was hard to beat the clock (get this mix ready in time for the par­ty), stir out the clumps, let the air bub­bles set­tle, and dilute out the excess almond extract. (Up next.)
4. Use less (if any) almond extract.
   1. The inten­tion was to round out and bal­ance the oth­er tastes — the bit­ter, the uma­mi, all of it. I didn’t have a drop­per with me by the time I start­ed the sec­ond batch, and I done goofed adding enough to take it from hyper-​realistic fake cum to marzi­pan cumfection.
   2. So I tried mix­ing more to dilute the almond taste. It still tast­ed plau­si­bly like cum by the time I got ready for the par­ty, but then again, it also prob­a­bly didn’t even­ly mix.
   3. In ret­ro­spect, I should have dipped a tooth­pick in the almond extract and then into the edi­ble faux semen shak­er. That’s all it takes.
5. Maybe add the slight­est bit of cocoa pow­der for more pro­nounced bitterness.

Of course, I’d try that last one dur­ing time set aside for exper­i­men­ta­tion — not dur­ing a time crunch between fuck­ing and min­i­mal sleep and max­i­mal par­ty­ing (and fuck­ing at a par­ty where we were, again, the last ones at the venue after all the oth­er guests had gone home).

He kept insist­ing that his tast­ed way bet­ter than the mix, which I’m inclined to agree with.

Reactions to Sharing Simulated Semen at a Party

I greet­ed my friend by hold­ing out a shot cup.

“Do I have to drink all of this?”

“You don’t have to drink any of it, homie. I’m just offering!”

She watched her part­ner try some first. Their reac­tion was one of fur­row­ing their brows, squint­ing, and gri­mac­ing with small but vig­or­ous nods. I couldn’t tell whether it was a pos­i­tive reac­tion until they said, “Oh, yeah. That’s cum.”

Someone else raised her eye­brows in delight. “HMM! I wish more cum tast­ed like that!”

Among those who hadn’t tast­ed semen before, their respons­es were vari­ants of “THAT’S what cum tastes like?!” and “I’m so glad I’m aller­gic to it.”

My over­all favorite reac­tions were:

• Something along the lines of, “I’ve been to kink par­ties for a long time, and this is the first I’ve seen any­thing like this.”
• Looking at my cum­fec­tion jar and com­ment­ing, “Could you imag­ine how long it would take to save up all that cum?”
• The inter­na­tion­al guy who flew in from a rel­a­tive­ly con­ser­v­a­tive coun­try. It was his first-​ever play par­ty, and he took that shot like a champ.

Finally, by the next day, when I had some sam­ples left to share, we were get­ting to the sweet­er aliquots, which were under­stand­ably cri­tiqued accord­ing­ly, and because they were too bubbly.

Which is fine — done is bet­ter than per­fect, though some­one then com­ment­ed that over­ly sweet semen was how he real­ized he was pre-diabetic.

Closing Thoughts on Cumfectionary Concoctions

I’d say the base for­mu­la was a banger, though I’d adjust it to be more bit­ter and less salty to match my play partner’s taste. Of course, cum varies in taste and con­sis­ten­cy from per­son to per­son and ses­sion to ses­sion. Diet, hydra­tion, and over­all health all affect the expe­ri­ence of one’s semen.

I’m open to mak­ing anoth­er real-​feeling and tast­ing cum fetish mix that’s more body-​safe for vagi­nal use, and I think that’s pos­si­ble when com­bin­ing coconut-​flavored lube with a water-​silicone hybrid.

It would be cool to refine edi­ble sim­u­lat­ed semen to the point of sticky strands with guar gum, but it’s more work than I ini­tial­ly bar­gained for.

At that point, I think my play part­ner and I would rather snow­ball his actu­al cum.

Our first date includ­ed spit­ting coconut water into each other’s mouths in the park­ing lot of a muse­um, but it def­i­nite­ly wouldn’t be the last time we did that.

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FURTHER READING:

• Why do some peo­ple fetishize creamp­ies?
• Strap-​On-​Me ejac­u­lat­ing dil­do review

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As usu­al, these fer­al field notes were writ­ten by me.

If you want to adver­tise on my blog, check out my col­lab­o­ra­tion poli­cies and code of con­duct.