I get to live at the same time as auto­mat­ed fuck­ing machines and VR porn — doo­dads that peo­ple in past decades only dreamt of.

My boyfriend can stick his dick in a mas­tur­ba­tion sleeve that auto­mat­i­cal­ly strokes up and down for him. What a time to be alive!

This post cel­e­brates the boun­ti­ful ways to upgrade your jack-​off ses­sions, with options for every budget.

Play an audio erotica story if you love sexy sighs and moans

Some peo­ple are aural­ly ori­ent­ed rather than visual.

Try a smut­ty audio­book. Or if long-​form isn't your thing, try one of Dipsea's sex-​positive short sto­ries com­plete with groan­ing. Maybe pair them with a lick­ing or self-​thrusting toy of your choice for more real­is­tic masturbation.

Handheld fucking machines: automated thrusters and strokers

Self-​thrusting dildos with a realistic stroke length

As far as real­is­tic hand­held fuck­ing machines go, the Velvet Thrusters are my favorite. Their Velvet Prime is more pow­er­ful and ver­sa­tile with swap­pable heads, while the Teddy is more com­pact and costs a lit­tle less. Its but­ton place­ment and suc­tion cup base also make it eas­i­er to use. Shown below is the Prime Sammie.

Nevertheless, the stroke lengths and speeds of both make for a plen­ty real­is­tic mas­tur­ba­tion expe­ri­ence — and my cervix loves that.

Realistic dual-density dildos and sleeves

You may have noticed in my Velvet Thruster reviews that I put a VixSkin Colossus sleeve on top of my dil­dos sometimes.

Not only does that make the thruster girthi­er — but the squishy sil­i­cone also adds a lay­er of flesh­like squish for a more real­is­tic feeling.

Such is the prin­ci­ple behind dual-​density dil­dos. They're firm on the inside for sta­bil­i­ty and squishy and skin-​like on the out­side — just like penis­es. Two of my favorite hyper-​realistic dual and triple-​density dil­dos include the Uberrime Maxime and Jock Real Skin slid­ing dil­do, respec­tive­ly.

Oral sex simulation toys for suction and "tongue" flicking

Flickering and suck­ing toys have been on the mar­ket for a while, but one, in par­tic­u­lar, became a viral sensation.

CalEx Empowered Queen & Pipedream Her Ultimate Pleasure

This toy's soft tongue licks and vibrates, while its cup attach­ments apply broad area suc­tion. Think of a pussy pump, but better.

TIP: Pair the Fantasy For Her Ultimate Pleasure with the Liberator Wanda for hands-​free cunnilingus simulation.

Biting Lips Vibrator

This toy made me come sur­pris­ing­ly quick­ly with its vibrat­ing tongue and lips that puck­er open and closed. It's deli­cious if you have a clit-​vag gap of about an inch; I like how the upper lip feels against my clit while the tongue is in my vagina.

VeDO Hummer

For those seek­ing a mechan­i­cal blowjob mas­tur­ba­tor, look no fur­ther than the VeDO Hummer. It's a fresh take on a super-​soft TPE sleeve in a Fleshlight-​style cup.

The VeDO Hummer's mains-​powered motor deliv­ers up to 109 suc­tion puls­es per minute, with five inten­si­ty options and five speed settings.

Just plug it into the wall and add some lube for a plea­sur­able, hands-​free, auto­mat­ed blowjob simulation.

Disclaimer

There's no oral sex sim­u­la­tor that feels exact­ly like oral. However, tongue-​flicking toys and auto­mat­ed stro­kers bring you sen­sa­tions that con­ven­tion­al vibra­tors can't, and that's worth exploring.

Toy mounts and suction cup adapters

My default posi­tion is lying on my back while man­u­al­ly thrust­ing a dil­do — which is com­fort­able, but hold­ing a toy's base is far from real­is­ti­cal­ly feel­ing like inter­course. Luckily, there are plen­ty of props for rel­a­tive­ly hands-​free rid­ing and thrusting.

A toy mount for riding dildos

A soft cushion-​style mount, like the Liberator Wing, is an option to con­sid­er, espe­cial­ly if your toy of choice doesn't have a suc­tion cup or oth­er­wise mount­able base.

For suc­tion cup toys, con­sid­er wrap­ping a Body Dock Lap Strap around a pil­low or chair seat (up to 30" around).

If you're more for rid­ing wand vibra­tors, try the Liberator Wanda mount.

Fleshlight shower mounts

People with penis­es are includ­ed in this post, too! This suc­tion cup show­er mount adheres clas­sic Fleshlights to (smooth, hard, and flat) sur­faces of your choosing.

Double-​sided suction cups and bullet cavity adapters

If a dil­do doesn't already have a suc­tion cup base, you can use a double-​sided suc­tion cup as an "adapter" on toys with flared and flat bottoms.

My favorites are by Lust Arts and Uberrime. The big­ger the suc­tion cup, the more weight it can hold.

If your vibrat­ing dil­do base has a bul­let cav­i­ty, you can use an adapter by Uberrime or Tantus.

FURTHER READING: Types of Dildo Bases — and 6 Things Can Do With Them

Where to mount your suction cup sex toy

Walls, doors, and head­boards are the most obvi­ous options, but not your only ones. Consider mount­ing your suc­tion cup base dil­do or Fleshlight to a chair or stool, or small­er objects you can move around for max­i­mum ver­sa­til­i­ty: a book, rigid piece of floor tile, or small to medi­um mir­ror. The last is a love­ly view for any­one watching!

With the small­er objects, you can hold them down with one hand, tilt them, or add firm pil­lows to strad­dle for hands-​free angling.

Be part of the scene with POV VR porn

With vir­tu­al real­i­ty porn, you're part of the scene.

BaDoink VR porn is stereo­scop­ic, mean­ing that instead of a sin­gle "screen," there's one for each eye. Your brain com­piles the two videos into one 3D scene.

And you can splurge on a head­set, but you don't need to— the cheap­est way to view VR porn is with a smart­phone app (high-​resolution reti­na dis­play for best results) and a Google Cardboard view­er to mount it.

Since most of my read­ers already have card­board lying around and a suit­able cell phone, they can DIY a VR head­set or get one for cheap.

Add a weighted blanket and partner roleplay ASMR

I know: mate­r­i­al things can't replace humans. But many of us are impro­vis­ing in new ways.

Being wrapped in a weight­ed blan­ket feels like a tight hug envelop­ing you. If you like cud­dling, you could throw in a body pil­low and an elec­tric blan­ket for warmth.

Play the sound of some­one whis­per­ing in your ears as you drift off to sleep — again, Dipsea is great for that. It's the per­fect way to end a solo night in.

What's your favorite way to make self-​pleasure feel more real­is­tic and immersive?

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Heads up! This post was spon­sored. Everything here is my writ­ing, as always.