Partnered sex is one of the most com­pli­cat­ed things we're expect­ed to teach our­selves. Some parts come nat­u­ral­ly, while oth­ers are less intu­itive at first. Here are some small adjust­ments in the bed­room that can have an explo­sive impact.

1. Adjust Your Breathing

It sounds decep­tive­ly sim­ple: oxy­gen cir­cu­la­tion to the brain, gen­i­tals, and mus­cles is inte­gral to mind-​bending sex. Pay atten­tion to how you're breath­ing before an orgasm. Experiment with some­thing dif­fer­ent and see how that affects your pleasure.

Breathe more deeply into your bel­ly, using your diaphragm, instead of iso­lat­ing it to your rib cage and shoul­ders. Engage the pelvic floor by squeez­ing it with every exhale. Try breath­ing more slow­ly or more quick­ly before orgasm. Or some com­bi­na­tion of both where you breathe super fast (but deep) as you approach the peak and hold your breath and clench your core just before.

Try breath­ing in sync with your partner's breath while look­ing into their eyes— get a taste of how their phys­i­o­log­i­cal state feels in the moment.

Don't under­es­ti­mate the pow­er of con­scious­ly con­trolled breath. I've made myself come by rhyth­mic deep breath­ing, pelvic floor clench­ing, and visu­al­iz­ing ener­gy mov­ing up my body— a tech­nique I learned from Barbara Carellas' book, Urban Tantra.

2. Make a Yes/No/Maybe List

Get clos­er to your part­ner and open up about your kinks and inter­ests. The pos­si­bil­i­ties are end­less! One way to get the con­ver­sa­tion start­ed is to go through Bex Caputo's fan­tas­tic list of sex activ­i­ties, kinks, words, and feel­ings to consider.

Note what activities you're:

• into doing
• open to doing if your partner's into it
• unsure about or need to learn more about
• only will­ing to do under cer­tain circumstances
• not will­ing to nego­ti­ate doing

If you have a kink that you're appre­hen­sive about bring­ing up to your part­ner, con­sid­er lis­ten­ing to the Dildorks' episode about edge­play togeth­er. Hearing Bex and Kate's rad­i­cal com­fort with their poten­tial­ly ter­ri­fy­ing kinks is tru­ly An Experience. It made the top­ic feel less daunt­ing to me, know­ing that there will always be some­one freaki­er. And that's okay!

3. Give Oral Based on Sensation for You and Tactile Response

When fel­lat­ing, I have to feel the blowjob and do what feels good for me. That ends up being amaz­ing for the receiv­er in turn. (And for me to get excit­ed enough to come via giv­ing oral.)

One such exam­ple is feel­ing the coro­na against my tongue. Or the glans swelling up, get­ting hard­er, and the corona's more pro­nounced ridge against my lips as I go faster. Once I do start bob­bing my head at a near-​excruciatingly slow tem­po, I can feel the blood rush­ing into the shaft every sin­gle time my head descends. And I love estab­lish­ing a faster rhythm of the tip slid­ing against my hard palate. Or twist­ing my head while the tip is between my soft palate and tongue.

It's one thing to bob up and down know­ing that it's what effi­cient­ly works. It's anoth­er to feel every move­ment to enjoy the ride for your­self— and bob up and down as a side effect. Go forth and exper­i­ment with sensate-​focused BJs like a fel­la­tio som­me­li­er.

4. Use Positioning Aids

Sex pil­lows and wedges ele­vate the hips, mak­ing posi­tion­ing so much more com­fort­able and effec­tive. You can use a reg­u­lar pil­low for these pur­pos­es, but a firm and angled pil­low gives you more control.

Examples of ways to use a sex pillow:

• During cun­nilin­gus — ele­vat­ing the receiver's hips to max­i­mize the giver's access and reduce neck cramping
• Missionary inter­course — adjust­ing the receiver's body angle for more pres­sure against the front wall (G‑spot, prostate, ante­ri­or fornix/​AFE zone, etc.)
• Cowgirl — lift­ing the ridee's hips for deep­er penetration
• Doggy and wheel­bar­row — giv­ing the receiv­ing partner's hip flex­ors a break

Take it from a life/​figure mod­el: it's often not com­fort­able stay­ing in the same posi­tion for extend­ed peri­ods! Having some­thing firm enough to sup­port you but soft enough to be gen­tle on your cir­cu­la­tion goes a long way dur­ing sexy seshes.

5. Incorporate Sex Toys

Yeah, I'm a toy review­er and will scream from the rooftops about using toys with part­ners. And not only "cou­ples" toys for het­ero mis­sion­ary inter­course— some sex toys are awe­some for com­bin­ing with oral, and oth­ers are just awe­some, period.

I have a whole tag ded­i­cat­ed to cou­ples' play. Find it here.

UPDATE: I've also com­piled a guide to my favorite body care prod­ucts!

What simple things have made a big difference in your sex life?

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Hey! This post was spon­sored. All opin­ions expressed are my own, as always.