Why do you emphasize having more orgasms than your partners? Where did the 10:1 ratio come from?

It start­ed with a throw­away com­ment on a pod­cast inter­view — and took off in a way I didn't expect.

I debriefed with a part­ner over text, "I still often think about that time I wasn't try­ing to get either of us off but made us both cum at the same time."

"Hey, at least you came!"

"Yeah, like six times."

And this good boy didn't stop at six the next time I saw him; we went beyond 10, and I lost count at some point while he fist­ed me.

I recalled the sto­ry in a pod­cast episode (ahh, mem­o­ries), and the mar­ket­ing team latched onto it in their promotions.

It's less about the exact num­ber and more the prin­ci­ple of cen­ter­ing female plea­sure — rather than mak­ing it an after­thought like many of us were taught

The 10:1 ratio was but a crude esti­mate that stuck. In truth, it's some­times 5 to 1 and some­times 20 to 1. Or more because, of course, I lose count when they all start blur­ring togeth­er back-to-back.

I write for peo­ple who real­ly fuck­ing love the altered head­spaces of cum­ming and tantric play and forced orgasms and conditioning/​behavior mod­i­fi­ca­tion to the lev­el of it being a con­stel­la­tion of kinks. It's not vanil­la, and it doesn't have to be for every­one. We're mak­ing vanil­la a spice again.

How is that even possible?

It real­ly is about find­ing a good fit while stay­ing con­nect­ed and curi­ous. I've had part­ners who:

• Read my body very well
• Knew my kinks
• Stayed hard for a looooong time due to antidepressants
• Had oth­er rea­sons for last­ing long, like social conditioning
• Loved using toys on me

Many of them would stay hard indef­i­nite­ly and not cum until I told them to — which I loved for repeat­ed cer­vi­cal orgasms, back to back!

That being said, the mag­ic wasn't just in their hands — it was in mine, too.

I primed my mind for pres­ence and plea­sure over time.

"How does it feel, know­ing you could make me cum when­ev­er you want to?" I asked a more recent partner.

"It's not me," he said, stroking my hair and rec­og­niz­ing that I was get­ting myself riled up. "It's the idea of cumming," 

Why the emphasis on having way more orgasms than your partner?

I want to show peo­ple that, despite com­mon cul­tur­al nar­ra­tives about female plea­sure, the so-​called orgasm gap isn't des­tiny, and orgasms for women can be quite abun­dant. Sex feels fuck­ing good for female bod­ies, too!

We aren't here to be the objects of male plea­sure — we are the sub­jects of pleasure.

Your body is your tem­ple, so wel­come vis­i­tors and wor­ship as you please and on your terms.

If you're will­ing to unpack your pre­con­ceived notions and explore your options, you might find that 5, 6, 10 of hers for 1 of his is more attain­able than you were pre­vi­ous­ly led to believe.

Of course, every body and dyad is dif­fer­ent. It's less about the exact num­ber and more about the prin­ci­ple of cen­ter­ing female plea­sure — rather than mak­ing it an after­thought like many of us were taught.

Sapphic women don't need this spiel; many of you have already ques­tioned het­ero­sex­u­al assump­tions and are hav­ing con­scious­ly con­nect­ed and sat­is­fy­ing sex.

Wherever you are in your jour­ney, I hope you find toys and oth­er las­civ­i­ous lux­u­ries that you (and your part­ners) love.

Can your content help someone who has a hard time reaching orgasm?

My main web­site is writ­ten with the horny, loud, and proud in mind, though oth­ers might find my reviews use­ful, too.

I bal­ance my expe­ri­ence with acknowl­edg­ment that oth­ers' expe­ri­ences and pref­er­ences may dif­fer from mine. If a toy is gen­tler or more intense than I'd pre­fer, I'm trans­par­ent about that while rec­og­niz­ing it might be per­fect for some­one else.

I also write for The Pelvic People on the side. Their shop spe­cial­izes in holis­ti­cal­ly help­ing read­ers through painful pen­e­tra­tion, so if inti­ma­cy and orgasm are touchy sub­jects for you, I give off a way more gen­tle vibe over at The Pelvic People's blog, Just the Tip.

While you can't nec­es­sar­i­ly promise your­self a cer­tain num­ber of orgasms, you can set your­self up to make plea­sure (and orgasms) way more likely:

• Valuing plea­sure and decid­ing that yours matters
• Slowing down to take deep breaths and tun­ing into your body's cues
• Establishing emo­tion­al safety
• Surrounding your­self with peo­ple who make you feel good
• Trying new things and see­ing what options are avail­able to you
• Savoring your sov­er­eign­ty and per­son­al power

These are tenets of not just enjoy­ing sex but also rel­ish­ing your radi­ant life.

My sex life has unfold­ed in ways my past self hard­ly even dared to imag­ine — and I hope that my work helps oth­ers real­ize the breadth of what is avail­able for their pleasure.

Further reading

• How do you make your­self cum so easily?
• Can you still enjoy sex with a part­ner after using all those toys?