Aren't you worried your sex-adjacent work will turn off a potential partner? How do you handle dating?

Hint: It's not just about sex; it's also about their world­view and their rela­tion­ship to taboo topics.

I had a date with a psy­chi­a­trist who's pas­sion­ate about psy­che­delics in ther­a­peu­tic set­tings. While the focus of his work was heal­ing from trau­ma, some­times strangers would paint him as a par­ty ani­mal and (incor­rect­ly) assume that he was will­ing to roll with anyone.

That por­trait just wasn't accurate.

Like a psy­che­del­ic trip, sex can be a vul­ner­a­ble expe­ri­ence, where envi­ron­ment and inten­tion are critical.

And I didn't have to explain that to him.

I also know some­one who works at a gun shop. He asked me, "Does it ever feel like work when you talk about sex? It feels like work when I talk about guns off the clock."

That's some­one who's hype about me lik­ing cocks and Glocks and a gazil­lion oth­er ADHD-​ass spe­cial inter­ests, many of which I have yet to discover.

How do they handle the unknown?

Some peo­ple just get it. They under­stand how this sex toy review­er became a sex toy review­er.

And when some­one doesn't under­stand some­thing, it mat­ters to me whether they:

• Get curi­ous and ask questions
• Fill in the blanks with what­ev­er fits their neat boxes
• Commit to their pro­jec­tions or update their world­views with new information

It's not just about whether they judge me for being exot­ic, but also what assump­tions those judg­ments are root­ed in, and whether they can see me whol­ly and clearly.

Be loved by the best and forget the rest

Some peo­ple fuck­ing get my mis­sion and not only tol­er­ate it; they active­ly appre­ci­ate my depth and dimen­sion and cheer me on:

• Normalizing and expand­ing plea­sure for women
• Unlocking ways to make life as a whole more pleasurable
• Witnessing oth­ers' pain and beliefs about love and worth
• Speaking up about taboos and men­tal health for everyone
• Walking read­ers through their rela­tion­ships with them­selves and their partners
• And of course, using sex toys in my own per­son­al life!

(Why wouldn't a part­ner want to see that? I mean, come on.)

And if a part­ner can't appre­ci­ate my gifts and my vision as a sex blog­ger, what's the point?

But isn't there pain in potentially not being liked?

Sure, there is. I haven't always been this ground­ed or com­fort­able with how peo­ple receive my work; it took me years and many new friends to get to this point.

Yes, some­times peo­ple get sus­pi­cious, rude, or aggres­sive. Yes, some­times it used to hurt, on an indi­vid­ual lev­el, to won­der if per­ceived slut­ti­ness made some­one like me less. Yes, it hurt to be liked by a part­ner but not by their par­ents or peers. No, it's not pleas­ant to learn the hard way that you can't assume your def­i­n­i­tion of a ful­fill­ing rela­tion­ship will align with that of some­one you real­ly like.

But, in the long run, it feels worse to be sti­fled by rela­tion­ships where I can't be me.

I have enough peo­ple I can be myself around.

I have enough sex-​positive pals and peers who cel­e­brate the freak — and read­ers who thank me for my work,

I see peo­ple in real life light up and get even more excit­ed to try some­thing new with their part­ners. I hear the excla­ma­tions of, "I learned some­thing new today!"

I know that for every rude com­menter on Instagram, there's some­one else who found my con­tent by Googling late at night when they were vul­ner­a­ble or embar­rassed — and they found it com­fort­ing, help­ful, or funny.

I see the stats and how many freaks click on my posts about creamp­ies and a cum-​eating fetish. (Seriously, it's one of my most-​viewed posts.)

I know that the right peo­ple for me think my work is won­der­ful, pro­found, fun, nec­es­sary, and heal­ing, all at the same time. Once you have that, and you're loved for you in your whole­ness, it stings a lot less to be dis­liked by some­one who ulti­mate­ly doesn't matter.

Shine bright, be you, do your own thing, and touch grass; it will be okay.

Further Reading

• EVEN MORE Truths about Dating as a Sex Industry Professional (February 2023)
• Diary of a Sex Educator (March 2022)
• 4 Misconceptions About Sex-​Positive Bloggers (January 2020)