7 Ways I Gauge Kinky Play Partners (From a Sex Toy Reviewer)

Foreplay starts long before anyone's clothes come off — so here's what I'm look­ing for in a play partner.

In my world, fore­play isn't just what you do between kiss­ing and inter­course; it's also antic­i­pa­tion lead­ing up to the moment you start sen­su­al­ly touch­ing, and can be built up through­out a date, the week, or over the course of a relationship.

It's in your curios­i­ty about the oth­er person's reac­tions, your abil­i­ty to read them, and your trust in their abil­i­ty to read you.

Rather than any spe­cif­ic tech­nique, I'm seek­ing attune­ment, respon­sive­ness, and engage­ment — if someone's attuned to my body, they can eas­i­ly learn what strokes and cadences I love.

That's what I val­ue in a rela­tion­ship, and here's how I start look­ing for that.

(This post is just the tip of the ice­berg. As always, decide for your­self what you val­ue most in a play part­ner. How might that show up in prac­tice dur­ing a kink scene or in ear­ly dat­ing? Or, if you're into romance nov­els, reverse-​engineer the media that makes you swoon!)

1. I observe how they act when I slow the tension way down.

A great play part­ner for me notices and finds ways to keep the ten­sion while adjust­ing or gen­tly check­ing in.

What hap­pens when I pull back from a kiss and pause? What if I'm so wound up I'm shaking?

Do they ask how I'm feel­ing? Do they build on the inten­si­ty by com­bin­ing their ques­tions with dirty talk? Do they fol­low suit and do some­thing sim­i­lar, just as slow­ly but inten­tion­al­ly, watch­ing how my breath­ing changes?

Rather than any spe­cif­ic tech­nique, I'm seek­ing attune­ment, respon­sive­ness, and engage­ment — if someone's attuned to my body, they can eas­i­ly learn what strokes and cadences I love.

2. I doubly observe how they respond when I say no or change my mind about something.

How some­one responds to a partner's "no" is a big fuck­ing deal, espe­cial­ly if they're incor­po­rat­ing kink and pow­er exchange.

In the ear­ly stages, when clar­i­fy­ing expec­ta­tions, see­ing how they respond to a "red light" or "yel­low light" in low-​stakes sit­u­a­tions gives me an idea of how they might han­dle a more emo­tion­al­ly involved scene.

When I tell them to stop, slow down, or try some­thing else, do they:

• Treat the con­nec­tion as an organ­i­cal­ly grow­ing entity?
• Expect sex­u­al encoun­ters to fol­low a straight path?
• Talk about alter­na­tives, from a place of curiosity?
• Deride my "no" with sneaky assump­tions?

It's one thing to talk about "must-haves"s and "hard no"s — though I will get to that in a bit! It's anoth­er to expe­ri­ence how some­one accom­mo­dates a partner's needs when they're vulnerable.

3. If we're talking about kinks, I ask them how that kink came to be (and more!)

…because that gives con­text to not just the actions that turn them on, but also:

• Why do they like it?
• Who is the char­ac­ter they're playing?
• How would they like to feel?
• What needs and inten­tions are being gratified?

I want a part­ner who's aware of or at least will­ing to self-​reflect on the "who," the "why," and the "how" — at least as much as they con­tem­plate the "what."

Book recommendation: The Dominance Playbook by Anton Fulmen

I love Anton Fulmen's take on "character-​based" vs. "plot-​based" BDSM in his Dominance Playbook for that:

• Would you rather tor­ment with fear or plea­sure? Are you a bul­ly, a Casanova, a coach, a care­giv­er, a ruler?
• Do you want con­trol over some­one by train­ing a hair-​trigger-​like orgasm response, cum­ming on com­mand repeatedly?
• Would you pair that with sweet teas­ing and hold­ing or objec­ti­fy­ing slurs?

There's no one right answer, but cer­tain­ly some answers would fit your dream dynam­ics bet­ter than others.

4. Cuddling in movie theaters and semi-public spaces with a skirt on!

How cre­ative do they get with touch when nobody's clothes have come off? Movie dates can also be a time to debrief on val­ues after­wards — tell them about a scene you love and see how they respond.

Observe: can they get spicy with limitations?

Do they assume that touch must esca­late to "more"?

Article Recommendation: What Is the Bristle Response?

The expec­ta­tion that phys­i­cal affec­tion leads to sex is one of the most com­mon pat­terns that sex ther­a­pists see in their prac­tices! Read more about the bris­tle response — why unspo­ken assump­tions about touch can feel stress­ful, and what to do about it — in my guest post for The Pelvic People.

5. Invite them to spicy parties and art shows.

If you're near a big city, chances are, there's a BDSM munch or play par­ty wait­ing for you and your part­ner (or poten­tial partner).

Most atten­dees are more there to min­gle than to play in pub­lic, but it can open the con­ver­sa­tion to what your "yes"es, "no"s, and "maybe"s are when it comes to what you want to do together.

If you're not com­fort­able tak­ing some­one to a sex or kink par­ty to see how they feel about sex­u­al­i­ty, per­haps find an erot­ic art show nearby.

See what res­onates with them — and how that res­onates with what you want.

6. How do they feel about flavored lube and toys in the bedroom, and why?

It's a small thing that might tell you some­thing about their expec­ta­tions and their rela­tion­ship to oral.

Some peo­ple assume that fla­vored lube is entire­ly use­less because, in their minds:

• Lube "should" be for intercourse
• Oral sex "should" be before intercourse
• They don't even con­sid­er vary­ing sex acts once inter­course starts

It's not a 100% direct cor­re­la­tion, but the "why" behind their atti­tude is worth considering. 

• Do they expect lin­ear pro­gres­sion from kiss­ing to oral to intercourse?
• Do they like using lube for a wide range of sex acts? Do they like lube at all?
• Are they open to mix­ing it up, like going from inter­course to oral with oth­er sensations?
• Can they at least con­sid­er why some­one else might like some­thing, even if they don't?

I’m not ask­ing whether they per­son­al­ly like arti­fi­cial fla­vors; I’m curi­ous about how they con­cep­tu­al­ize the flow and flex­i­bil­i­ty of sex.

7. Analyze a morally gray situation or character together.

This might be slight­ly con­tro­ver­sial, but I think it's good that I read some of the "Am I the Asshole?" sub­red­dit with a prospec­tive partner.

Obviously, it can start some fights, but it's good to be on the same page or at least be able to arrive at an understanding.

If their stance stays rigid­ly dis­mis­sive or defen­sive, con­sid­er how that might play out in oth­er sit­u­a­tions. It's not nec­es­sar­i­ly about agree­ing, but how they handle:

• Ambiguous infor­ma­tion
• Who they think deserves empathy
• Where empa­thy is deserved

Observe whether they can:

• Hold ten­sion with­out villainizing
• Update their view when giv­en new information
• Contextualize behav­ior with­out excus­ing harm
• Validate inter­nal expe­ri­ence, even if they wouldn't take the same action

Personally, I'm sen­si­tive to dis­missal of struc­tur­al forces, anx­i­ety, and nuance — because those forms of inval­i­da­tion can show up lat­er as dis­missal of shift­ing con­sent, emo­tion­al states, and con­tex­tu­al vulnerability.

It's all the same mus­cle, and, in sim­pler terms, I don't want to engage in pow­er exchange with some­one who lacks the empa­thy for it.

Closing Thoughts

Since sex and kink take abun­dant trust, I think there's a lot of over­lap between gen­er­al rela­tion­ship advice and kink advice — and you'll notice that if you read The Dominance Playbook.

However, when there's so much over­lap among…

• Neurodivergent peo­ple
• Those in ana­lyt­i­cal STEM fields
• Queer peo­ple
• Kinksters

…it can take a spe­cial degree of clar­i­ty and explic­it com­mu­ni­ca­tion — min­i­miz­ing unspo­ken expec­ta­tions — to nav­i­gate the inten­si­ty and trust of sex and kink.

Further Reading Recommendations

Tongue-​Tied by Stella Harris is great for geeks who want crystal-​clear com­mu­ni­ca­tion and nego­ti­a­tions. (Considering that the brain is a fun­ny place, and it's risky to make assump­tions about a partner's wants and needs, that should be every­one on this page… right?)

This book is so dense­ly packed with play­ful prompts for dis­cussing your likes, loves, and must-​haves in the bed­room — I'd argue every kinkster would ben­e­fit from read­ing it. Not every­one needs to read every page cover-​to-​cover, but it's a must-​have for the unini­ti­at­ed and might reveal some blind spots even for the experienced.

(Plus, by the time you're well-​versed in some­thing, it might not be easy to explain to a new part­ner. Tongue-​Tied by Stella Harris cer­tain­ly helps.

If you want the quick 101-​level ver­sion, I've writ­ten anoth­er guest post for The Pelvic People called "Reading Between the Sheets: Tuning into a Partner's Pleasure Cues." It's all about read­ing non-​verbal sig­nals that your partner's enjoy­ing the sen­sa­tions, and how to talk about sex before, dur­ing, and after play, so that next time can be even bet­ter.

I'll say it again: one of the most impor­tant sex­u­al skills to me is being attuned to a partner's turn-ons.

Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I’m yours for­ev­er.”
― M.D. Waters, Archetype