February 2019 monthly faves, oddly specific kinks, and “fuck yeah!”s
The best gifts you can give yourself when newly single are: 1. time, 2. self-awareness, and 3. fun. Getting re-acquainted with your less-explored kinks is a huge part of that. Find out what made me say “Oops, that’s my kink, but also, EXCUSE YOU?” this month. (And also, what made my best friend say, “I get to fuck Han Solo in carbonite!”)
Favorite review from February: Emojibator Chickie
First things first! If my
Butt Chicken Emojibator Chickie review were my only post from February 2019 that someone read, I’d be okay with that. I made a Good Place reference and an Ariana Grande reference in it. Plus, a mention of clitoral butt sex with Satan.
You know a review is going to be good when it starts with:
I’ve heard of isolated incidents of clitoral suction toys making users bleed. The rumors sounded distant, like urban legends or stats that I’d never personally encounter. It wasn’t until I tried the Emojibator Chickie that shit got too real.
Want more? Go. Read my Emojibator Chickie review.
As I said, I just got out of a relationship, so promoting Valentine’s Day sales was the last thing I wanted to do. Instead, I wanted a relevant but evergreen list of favorite “couples’ toys” that I could share with people whenever.
Sex toys I’ve loved this past month
1Uberrime Splendid Large
Uberrime now has dual-density (firm core, squishy outside) Splendids in THREE SIZES! I jumped at the chance to try the Large. The Medium/original has received rave reviews, but at 5.5″ insertable length, I wasn’t sure if it’d be ideal for me. The Large has 7.5″, making it a far more consistently leg-shaking cervix Casanova. Plus, it’s girthy AF.
The solid pearl colors are GORGEOUS and oof, how I have missed glossy silicone. The Splendid is super slippery without needing much lube and currently the Large is my favorite thing in my endless review queue. Also shown in the photo: FemmeFunn Bougie Bullet and Zalo Marie.
2 Uberrime Aqua King
This Aquaman-themed dildo is seriously chunky. The downside is that the TSA probably wouldn’t allow you to take it in an airplane carry-on bag because you could legit use it to hurt someone. The upside is that you can use it to hurt someone. I gave my best friend 25 birthday spankings for his 25th birthday with it.
3 Kinklab Neon Wand + Power Tripper
I know! I won’t shut up about the Power Tripper electrostimulation attachment for the Neon Wand. Previously, I had only played with focusing the electricity at one point of contact, which gave a distinctly needle-like zing. This time, I gently rested a hand on my friend’s shoulder while kissing him, which diffused the sensation everywhere else we touched and gave a broader, more subtle tingle.
Other fun tips: get a custom-made steel paddle for electrified spankings. And! Fresh plants are conductive, so next time you’re hooked up to the Power Tripper, try picking some flowers or buy a bouquet and drag the stems along your partner’s body.
Oops, that’s my kink! But also, EXCUSE YOU?!1 One of my friends started a sentence with, “The awkward guys you’re into…” Though I felt mildly attacked, he wasn’t wrong. My dream is a pasty, lanky nerd with a baggy button-up shirt tucked into high-waisted pants.
2 A new Tinder date’s idea of dirty talk while I rode him: “You’re into younger guys, aren’t you? I can tell. What do you like about it? Defile me. Does fucking me make you feel younger again?” WOAAAHHH there, dude! If he had said that to just about anyone else, she would have kicked him out of bed. But I’m into it. Lucky him. 3 Taunting him when I had come ~twenty times, but he hadn’t come at all. “You have to earn it, and I think you kind of like that. I’m sorry, baby.” “No, you’re not.” “But I ammm.” “You’re not sorry.” “Awww. You poor fucking thing.” “You keep saying that. You’re not sorry. I know you’re not.”
Other “fuck yeah”s!
I received a call from my credit union about suspicious activity, but it was for a good reason! I ordered toys from a geeky sex shop in Australia, addressed to my best friend’s house for his birthday. In the package were the Pika Plug and a Hand Solo stroker (plus an adorable comic-themed care info card). “Is this the stroker? Hoooly shit. It’s Han Solo frozen in carbonite! I get to fuck Han Solo in carbonite!
My crush showed up in many of my dreams, including one about an outdoor FFFM 4-way. He wore not one, but TWO V-shaped cock rings in a stack under his corona. So unexpected???? My subconscious knows what’s up.
Zalo sex toys‘ packing is not only sturdy AF but also #aestheticgoals! Once you peel off the stickers, the boxes are beautiful and discreet enough to keep in plain sight. They’re perfect for keeping your small belongings in while Konmari-ing. Vibrator charging cords? Queer-themed enamel pins? Lube and condoms? The possibilities are endless.
The little things
Foil leaf stickers. Cocktails in Lucky Cat-shaped mugs. The selfie-worthy bathroom wall art at Antihero near Detroit. Matching Chaotic Queer and Lawful Bi pins with my best friend. Jetpacking/being the Big Spoon when I’m the physically smaller partner. A letter board that says, “Never tell me the odds.” Extra goodies from indie artists. Plans to attend a live-action roleplay of Fyre Festival. The @sagittariusthingz page on Instagram. Socks with Pomeranians printed on them. Testing negative for STIs. (Thanks, Planned Parenthood!) Wishing I could slap a raw chicken at 3725.95 mph. But also wondering who TF cooks chicken to an internal temperature of 450° F.
Oh, and planning my April Fool’s Day blog post. Stay tuned.