Tl;dr what’s been up with my blog?
I took a hiatus between July 2016 and January 2017. For one, relations with my partner were going through a rough patch, and it was the kind of break that really made me question my identity. The other reason is because, truthfully, writing reviews has become draining.
Thus, in 2017, my one main goal is to write more about sexy, feel-good times, and fewer reviews, and my minor goal is to learn Arabic enough to dirty talk. That’s it.
So what happened while I was away?
I’ve almost reached my sex toy saturation point.
What initially drove me to explore sex toys is no longer there to nearly the same extent, and I’ve since settled down with my seasoned and fine-tuned collection.
When I was 19, I accumulated toys from a smorgasbord of sales and swaps. Every incoming parcel became a symbol of self-reliance, caulking the ego cracks left behind by an extensive string of sub-par hook-ups. Having only twice ever had meager orgasms with partners in my first two years of sex, I sought to fix my feeling of brokenness and ineptitude. My feelings were, I should add, over something totally normal for someone new to sex.
Maybe this next toy will be the first sex toy to give me a G-spot orgasm! Maybe this book chapter on how to have an orgasm induced by clenching, visualization, and breath will break through my mental hang-ups! Maybe that toy will give me my second cervical orgasm! (I had my first when I was 16 and didn’t have another one until I was 20.) Maybe all of that will translate into having orgasms with a partner!
All those “maybes” turned into the mental equivalent of “UGGNNSDLFJSDLKFJDH!!!111!1@!!!!@! FUCK YEAH” within less than a half year. This was magnified shortly afterward, once I started hooking up with the guy who would become my partner of 2 and a half years, a.k.a. the guy who made infamously made me cum for 20 minutes straight the first time we fucked, and continues to blow me away.
Nowadays, at age 22, I’m more acutely aware of what brings me joy and what’s worth the time and/or money I invest in it. I want less of what I “kind of” like and more of what I truly love. If I buy a toy, it’s because I’m fairly certain I will love it. If I accept a toy in exchange for review, it’s not necessarily free– the cost is hours of my time testing and writing about it, and because I only make meager money in commission, this is largely unpaid work for someone else’s profit.
Thus, even if my toy reviews are my most popular posts, the question is: if I don’t enjoy writing them, what the hell am I doing? Sex toy reviews may have gotten my blog started, but I think it was my banter about vibrators and my mild erotica of my own personal life that landed me a spot on Kinkly’s Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes list.
In other words, in 2016, I learned how to be okay with saying “no,” in order to make more room for joy.