Sometimes saying, “I don’t want orgasms” means more than just that.

There are women (especially hetero) who say they don’t want orgasms with a partner. Or at all. That’s totally okay, BUT I think it’s important to be honest with oneself (and her partner) about WHY she doesn’t want orgasms. This doesn’t apply to everybody, but many possible reasons can be worked around.

Maybe she’s never been with a partner who gave her attention outside of PIV/his own pleasure, and she feels like it’d be inconvenient or selfish to speak up about what works for her.

Maybe she hasn’t found what works for her yet and wants to take off the pressure of “having” to orgasm… but that doesn’t really mean not wanting one. It just means exploring the path to get there at a different pace.

Maybe she’s worried she’ll take too long, that her partner will grow impatient, or that she’ll take it personally as a sign that her body is “broken” or “frigid”

Maybe she’s actually really easily orgasmic by herself with a vibrator or a dildo, but believes that orgasms with toys are inferior or unnatural, or is worried that her partner would feel threatened or replaced. (FYI even the best carpenters use power tools if it gets the job done. It doesn’t mean they’re not great carpenters, nor does it mean their work isn’t as great.)

Maybe she really likes receiving oral but is self-conscious about how her labia look or smell. Or is just really distracted by intrusive/negative thoughts about her body in general.

Maybe she’s thinking, “well, I’ve never had one / only had wimpy ones, so how great could orgasms possibly be? They’re overrated.” But how would you know how great an orgasm could get, if you’re not exploring ways to improve your orgasms?

It’s important that your partner respects when you don’t want to have an orgasm, BUT it’s also important to speak up, to have a partner you can be honest with and explore with, and to trust that they won’t let you give up on yourself too soon.


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